Childhood Non-Memories

I think I've written before about how stressed out I get before Official Weigh-Ins with my dietician and therapist, and Friday was no different. I knew I had gained (still weigh myself daily...working on that...) and was really dreading having to step on the scale at my D appointment. The last time I saw her a couple weeks ago, I had lost and was at my lowest weight in a year-ish, and J gave me a Big Talk about scary health stuff and inpatient guidelines and all that. So I knew that I needed to gain, and I even wanted to gain to show her that I was serious and committed (and also to avoid inpatient, duh) - but of course I was worried that I had gained "too much" and that she would suddenly think I was a fat, greedy pig. My weight was holding pretty steady/dropping slightly for a while, but then seemed to finally jump up a couple pounds over the past week or so, which of course freaked me out and made me assume I was eating too much.

At my appointment, J told me that even though my weight was " up a little bit," it was still moving too slowly for her liking. So she proceeded to add to my meal plan. Part of me was relieved to hear that she didn't think I was gaining too quickly, but mostly I was baffled that she saw the need to add more food. If I'm already gaining on the XXXX cals a day I eat now, how much more will I gain on the beefed up plan??

BUT that last paragraph sounded incredibly eating-disordered, so I'm going to cut myself off from that line of thinking. Later during my appointment, J gave me a list of suggestions for increasing calories, which I mostly shrugged off like, what?? I can't eat any of that stuff. Even when I think I'm doing well, it shocks me sometimes to remember how many self-imposed food rules and restrictions I still have. Don't want to give too many specifics, but most added sources of fat and calories are pretty much off-limits. Some of my rules don't make much sense (e.g. I'll cook with oil in the pan but won't pour dressing on my salad, or I'll have a slice of cheese on my sandwich but won't add sprinkles to my fro yo. Logic? Hello? You out there?) but are definitely set in stone in my head.

Anyway, J gave me this long list of relatively high-cal foods, and asked what I had liked to eat as a kid that I might consider adding back in to my diet. And honestly? I couldn't think of anything. That wasn't even me trying to be sneaky and pretend like "oh please, J, I've always lived on fruits and veggies and Diet Coke. Mmm lettuce and carrots, brings back some great childhood memories." I know I used to eat desserts and snacks and candy, I just couldn't remember what. I also couldn't remember when, or under what circumstances, I would have eaten them. Did I just randomly walk past the pantry and decide to make a bowl of ice cream? Was that before or after lunch? Did I still eat lunch at the same time? Did I have a side of chips with lunch? How much popcorn did I eat at the movies? Was I still hungry for dinner? I suppose it's a testament to my healthy mindset at the time that I literally cannot recall anything about what or when I ate - I guess that means I never really paid attention. That's good, right? I wasn't always this neurotic, calorie-phobic freak.

So, I'm still wracking my brain, trying to think of foods I used to like. Maybe I can't recreate the totally carefree eater I once was, but I can certainly try to formulate a semi-normal, healthy adult version.