Tuesday, July 10, 2012

An Impending Threshold

I am approaching a weight at which, in the past, I've freaked the fuck out and bolted back to my eating disorder.

Reasons I won't let that happen this time:
1. Mentally, it has been REALLY hard upping my calories to where they are now, and I don't want to go through that again.

2. I've already gotten past another weight threshold that held some arbitrary yet powerful significance for me, and I survived. Don't wanna go through that again, either. Why is it that reaching weight XXX makes me ecstatic on the way down, but disgusted on the way up?

3. This morning at work, someone left humungous homemade chocolate chip cookies in the break room. Almost every single person in the office scurried out to snatch one before they were all gone. Seriously, every single person who walked past my desk between 11 and 12 was like, "Have you heard about the COOKIES?!" But, of course, I was stymied as to how to fit one into my meal plan with lunch only an hour away. I even had a thought along the lines of: Wow, I would really like a cookie, and recovery is about trying new scary foods, right? J and R would be SO proud if I told them I had a huge, unplanned cookie this week. But hmm...what does this mean for the rest of the day? Should I cut my sandwich into thirds and only eat two of them? What if something else come up later, like...I don't know...what if someone sneaks into the apartment and force feeds me doughnuts tonight? And it just deteriorated from there. Long story short: no cookie for me.

What was my point?

Oh yeah: that someday, I want to reach a place where I can just eat a damn cookie.

4. For a couple days last week, I had bad cramps and realized that I was WILDLY excited to get my period again. It hasn't come for a few months (and it didn't end up coming this month either) but the cramps/bloating/zits were all definitely promising signs. (Am I twelve? Are you there, God? It's me, Marg— er, Kaylee.) Anyway, I really really really want to get it soon and the only way to get keep my hormones from going back into hibernation is to continue eating and gaining.

5. Yesterday one of my co-workers frowned at me and said something like, "I bet people aren't intimidated by you because you're so slight." Aside from the fact that I have a serious inability to shrug off comments about my body, this one bugged me a lot and I couldn't figure out why. Isn't "slight" just another word for "thin?" I like being thin! Then I decided this: slight sounds lame. I don't want to be perceived as slight. It sounds like someone weak and wimpy, someone without much of a presence or a backbone. I mean, I don't particularly want to be the brawny, barrel-shaped type or anything, but I would like to think there's a bit of a hardcore ass-kicker warrior woman hidden somewhere deep, DEEP inside me just waiting to bust out and go all kung-fu on the world.

So...I may or may not hit The Weight by my appointment with R on Thursday, but it will happen eventually and I'm trying to psych myself up for it. The dreaded Weight is still much below my even-more-dreaded Goal Weight, so I might as well get over it now.


  1. You are an inspiration for me.
    Keep fighting kaylee.

    1. JB—you just made my day!

    2. Glad I could make you smile.
      I'm just starting in this blogging world and looking for pen pals of sorts and found your blog.n
      Truly inspiring.

  2. I'm so proud of you, this is awesome! It's so great that you know you're in a scary spot, but have identified exactly why you want to keep pushing through the nasty feelings and keep working towards health. And that cookie will taste awesome! By the way, I totally see the ass-kicking warrior woman in you :) Keep up the great work!

    1. thanks Alie! it's been a while for me and chocolate chip cookies, but someday!