Oops, I didn't mean to go for a week without blogging. The break was only PARTLY my fault, since my laptop has been in the Computer Hospital since Friday.
Even before the laptop fiasco though, I was being lazy about updating. I guess I'm a little worried about always rehashing the same things - therapy, food, restaurant stress, body image blahs, etc. All of the above are definitely still very relevant to my life, but I shouldn't assume that everyone always wants to hear me bitch and moan about them. Any ideas for more interesting posts?
Anyway, a quick recap of the last week: therapy was...interesting. And stressful. My dietician J showed me a graph of my weight since I started seeing her and R. Basically, it was a straight line. Meaning, obviously, my weight has not changed in the past eight or so weeks. While this wasn't surprising (I weigh myself at home), I did have mixed feelings about seeing it mapped out in black and white. The eating disordered part of me always wants to lose weight. Always. The ED part only cares about the graph - why isn't the line going down?
At the same time, though, there is so much more going on than what showed up on J's graph. I am way more happy, social, and sane than I was eight weeks ago. While I admittedly have not thrown myself wholeheartedly into weight gain, I have no plans to starve and lose any. I don't feel fat; I just don't feel thin. So, staying at the same weight doesn't necessarily feel wrong, even though I KNOW that I am underweight and should, from a medical standpoint, gain at least X pounds to get back to where I last got my period.
J and R, however, are quite concerned that I haven't put on any weight since starting treatment with them. Both tossed around the idea of IP a couple of times - more as a scare tactic than as an actual threat, I think - but they are still going to work with me as long as I am "willing." It bothers me that they see me as UNwilling, since I feel like I'm trying so hard every day just to break even and it never seems like enough.
I told R that I knew he was probably frustrated with me for making zero progress over the past couple months. It's not his fault - I've been pretty impenetrable on the food/exercise issues. I realize it sucks, as a doctor, to prescribe medicine for a patient who won't take it but still shows up every week with the same complaints. Well, no shit you're still sick!
R was nicer than that. He said: "I'm not frustrated, Kaylee. I know you're trying. But if I let things go on this way much longer, then I'm just enabling your anorexia."
Happier news: I feel myself loosening way up in some food-related areas. I've been to three restaurants this week, went out for drinks at a bar after a full day's worth of food (yes, I'm legal!) on Thursday night, and ate a few gourmet chocolates with NO warning (a present from the boy, awwwww). No, I wasn't happy about the last-minute decision to go out for dinner last night; but yes, I ended up having an awesome Girls Night Out. Progress? I think so!
The semester is flying by. Why is it that a semester at school goes by in a heartbeat, while my semester at home seemed to last for an eternity?
I'll be better about blogging this week, I promise!
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Honesty Homework
One of the goals R set for me this week was to tell my roommate that I'm struggling with my eating disorder and ask her to eat more regularly with me. This wouldn't be that big of a deal - my eating disorder isn't a secret and we've talked about it before - except that I feel like it would draw SO MUCH unwanted attention. Seriously, there's no better way to kill my appetite than to scrutinize my eating habits. It makes me want to take my plate into the next room and scrape off all the food into the garbage can.
R is convinced that if I make my friends aware I'm struggling to eat enough, it will keep me accountable and reduce my anxiety about the increased intake and weight gain.
I'm convinced that if my eating is suddenly under the microscope, I'll freak out, have a nervous breakdown, and lose my mind. And somehow, inexplicably, get fat in the process.
Either way, R is probably right that I should try to eat with others more often - but easier said than done. I still have major anxiety about eating around other people because I worry about: a) looking weird, b) eating too much and getting fat, c) not eating enough and getting hungry again five minutes later. So yes, eating my own food in my own kitchen is much simpler.
I did manage to shake things up this weekend though - in fact, I ate in restaurants twice (yeah, TWICE). People, this is big. I hate restaurants. Or at least my eating disordered-self does. This actually is a good gauge of healthy-Kaylee versus ED-Kaylee because I used to love going out to eat. Not just for the food, although I liked that too, but for the whole festiveness of the occasion. Now? Not so much. Break in routine, unpredictability, unknown calories, etc. - all the usual suspects. So this weekend was an exercise in both social eating AND quitting the counting habit.
Anyway, back to R's assignment: I sort of indirectly brought it up with my roommate last night, just mentioning that things have been a little stressful because I am "supposed" to be eating much more than I am physically or mentally comfortable with. No mention of specific foods or meal plan requirements or the case of Boost stashed under my bed.
So...I guess I partly completed the exercise? For some reason, I don't think R will be totally satisfied with my half-hearted attempt. I didn't exactly mobilize the Food Police the way he seems to want. I just hate making my eating disorder an issue with others. Mostly, I hate the prospect of being forced out of my comfort zone. Call me stubborn.
On the plus side, I actually DID buy the Boost.
R is convinced that if I make my friends aware I'm struggling to eat enough, it will keep me accountable and reduce my anxiety about the increased intake and weight gain.
I'm convinced that if my eating is suddenly under the microscope, I'll freak out, have a nervous breakdown, and lose my mind. And somehow, inexplicably, get fat in the process.
Either way, R is probably right that I should try to eat with others more often - but easier said than done. I still have major anxiety about eating around other people because I worry about: a) looking weird, b) eating too much and getting fat, c) not eating enough and getting hungry again five minutes later. So yes, eating my own food in my own kitchen is much simpler.
I did manage to shake things up this weekend though - in fact, I ate in restaurants twice (yeah, TWICE). People, this is big. I hate restaurants. Or at least my eating disordered-self does. This actually is a good gauge of healthy-Kaylee versus ED-Kaylee because I used to love going out to eat. Not just for the food, although I liked that too, but for the whole festiveness of the occasion. Now? Not so much. Break in routine, unpredictability, unknown calories, etc. - all the usual suspects. So this weekend was an exercise in both social eating AND quitting the counting habit.
Anyway, back to R's assignment: I sort of indirectly brought it up with my roommate last night, just mentioning that things have been a little stressful because I am "supposed" to be eating much more than I am physically or mentally comfortable with. No mention of specific foods or meal plan requirements or the case of Boost stashed under my bed.
So...I guess I partly completed the exercise? For some reason, I don't think R will be totally satisfied with my half-hearted attempt. I didn't exactly mobilize the Food Police the way he seems to want. I just hate making my eating disorder an issue with others. Mostly, I hate the prospect of being forced out of my comfort zone. Call me stubborn.
On the plus side, I actually DID buy the Boost.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Monster Mood Swings
Sometimes my mood is so unstable it scares me. I can be fine in the morning, too busy to notice by afternoon, and ready to cry by dinner.
Like yesterday, for example: wake up, coffee, gym, shower, breakfast. All good. Class, lunch, and coffee/killing time with friends, which put me in a fantastic mood.
But then I walked home in a cold rain, my head hurt, my backpack was too heavy, and by the time I got to my apartment, I was practically in tears. No reason whatsoever, other than the fact that I was tired and everything seemed like too much.
Dinner became a nightmare because I was starving but didn't actually want anything. Option A wouldn't fill me up, Option B didn't sound good, and Option C just wasn't right. I just wanted to get it over with because I had a ton of reading to do, but decision-making was not happening. So I was hungry, exhausted, and basically falling apart at the seams.
Then my roommate came home, and a five-minute, completely mundane conversation with her brought me back to earth.
I know that part of it has got to be hormonal because it's back - right on schedule. My appetite is insane right now, leaving me empty and achy and worn out all the damn time. Combine that with cramps and bloating and a constant dull headache, and you haven't exactly got the makings of a happy camper.
Part of it is stress - I'm busy and worn out, but don't feel like I have a right to it because my class schedule right now is lighter than any other semester thus far. So I vacillate between anxiety over schoolwork, guilt about not doing "enough," and frustration at still feeling overwhelmed by a relatively underwhelming course load.
Part of it is also loneliness, because my apartment is not convenient to campus and I don't really live near a lot of friends I saw regularly last year. Usually I need my alone time, but lately I've just been too stuck in my own head. Sometimes I can't focus on anything because the whirl of worry is too strong for me to pull myself out of without external distractions.
My concentration is abysmal, my self-esteem is non-existent, and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I spend half my time running around in a manic half-hypoglycemic haze, and the other half collapsed in total body-numbing exhaustion. I lose track of my moods because they seem to change hourly. Just one day - one hour - of brain silence would be priceless.
I know this is the kind of thing I need to talk about with R, but it's hard to articulate. His priority is getting me to gain weight, but I quite honestly have zero desire to devote any more time and energy to food.
Like yesterday, for example: wake up, coffee, gym, shower, breakfast. All good. Class, lunch, and coffee/killing time with friends, which put me in a fantastic mood.
But then I walked home in a cold rain, my head hurt, my backpack was too heavy, and by the time I got to my apartment, I was practically in tears. No reason whatsoever, other than the fact that I was tired and everything seemed like too much.
Dinner became a nightmare because I was starving but didn't actually want anything. Option A wouldn't fill me up, Option B didn't sound good, and Option C just wasn't right. I just wanted to get it over with because I had a ton of reading to do, but decision-making was not happening. So I was hungry, exhausted, and basically falling apart at the seams.
Then my roommate came home, and a five-minute, completely mundane conversation with her brought me back to earth.
I know that part of it has got to be hormonal because it's back - right on schedule. My appetite is insane right now, leaving me empty and achy and worn out all the damn time. Combine that with cramps and bloating and a constant dull headache, and you haven't exactly got the makings of a happy camper.
Part of it is stress - I'm busy and worn out, but don't feel like I have a right to it because my class schedule right now is lighter than any other semester thus far. So I vacillate between anxiety over schoolwork, guilt about not doing "enough," and frustration at still feeling overwhelmed by a relatively underwhelming course load.
Part of it is also loneliness, because my apartment is not convenient to campus and I don't really live near a lot of friends I saw regularly last year. Usually I need my alone time, but lately I've just been too stuck in my own head. Sometimes I can't focus on anything because the whirl of worry is too strong for me to pull myself out of without external distractions.
My concentration is abysmal, my self-esteem is non-existent, and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I spend half my time running around in a manic half-hypoglycemic haze, and the other half collapsed in total body-numbing exhaustion. I lose track of my moods because they seem to change hourly. Just one day - one hour - of brain silence would be priceless.
I know this is the kind of thing I need to talk about with R, but it's hard to articulate. His priority is getting me to gain weight, but I quite honestly have zero desire to devote any more time and energy to food.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Settling In
I, for one, am glad that September is over. It's a month of too many changes. And while most of them were good this year (starting my junior year of college after taking a semester off, moving into a new apartment, being back on my own after living with my parents for eight months), the instability of the transitional period left me constantly anxious and on edge.
Now, I'm feeling much more settled. I'm used to my apartment, my roommates, my walking routes, and my classes. I have my daily routines. My anxiety levels have been toned down by orders of magnitude from where they were a couple of weeks ago. Now, my biggest anxieties are school-related, which oddly, I am much better equipped to handle than the little things like running out of yogurt or losing my umbrella on a rainy day or forgetting to do laundry on my one free afternoon. That stuff practically sends me into hysterics.
I am also getting used to R, my new therapist. At first, I was hesitant to see him because he is, you know, a dude, But I'm way more comfortable with him now after only three or four sessions. I really like R's personality and approach. We are still at a bit of a stalemate over the Weight Issue, but I'll get there. I think.
Lately I've been spending a ton of time with my roommate K (same one I visited back in June), and realizing how much better life is with such a good friend. Even though I am incredibly independent and need my alone time to function, I had forgotten how much easier life is with friends. I have been sloooowly opening up to K about the ED, which is big for me. For the longest time, I only ever discussed the anorexia with professionals - e.g. therapist, dietician, doctor. In some ways, that's easier because they are already familiar with the symptoms and don't need to be educated. Real people don't always get it. But when I talk to K about it, she seems genuinely interested in trying to understand my mindset and learn what is helpful/not helpful for me.
Food is more of the same. I really do want to do better because I've been noticing that my energy is definitely down. At times, I find myself slipping into that slightly manic must-eat-now state that only happens when I'm restricting. If I am consistently eating enough to sustain myself, I can hold out for longer and not dissolve into a shaky hypoglycemic panic if lunch gets delayed by an hour. Even though I haven't really lost any weight in the last couple of weeks, I think the recent loss combined with the lower intake (not scary low, just lower than R would like) is starting to take its toll. So I am motivated to turn things around NOW while my brain and heart and metabolism still have a fighting chance.
Okay, gotta get moving. I've got a 14-page paper and two 10-pagers due this week, plus a presentation and a big project for work. Peace!
Now, I'm feeling much more settled. I'm used to my apartment, my roommates, my walking routes, and my classes. I have my daily routines. My anxiety levels have been toned down by orders of magnitude from where they were a couple of weeks ago. Now, my biggest anxieties are school-related, which oddly, I am much better equipped to handle than the little things like running out of yogurt or losing my umbrella on a rainy day or forgetting to do laundry on my one free afternoon. That stuff practically sends me into hysterics.
I am also getting used to R, my new therapist. At first, I was hesitant to see him because he is, you know, a dude, But I'm way more comfortable with him now after only three or four sessions. I really like R's personality and approach. We are still at a bit of a stalemate over the Weight Issue, but I'll get there. I think.
Lately I've been spending a ton of time with my roommate K (same one I visited back in June), and realizing how much better life is with such a good friend. Even though I am incredibly independent and need my alone time to function, I had forgotten how much easier life is with friends. I have been sloooowly opening up to K about the ED, which is big for me. For the longest time, I only ever discussed the anorexia with professionals - e.g. therapist, dietician, doctor. In some ways, that's easier because they are already familiar with the symptoms and don't need to be educated. Real people don't always get it. But when I talk to K about it, she seems genuinely interested in trying to understand my mindset and learn what is helpful/not helpful for me.
Food is more of the same. I really do want to do better because I've been noticing that my energy is definitely down. At times, I find myself slipping into that slightly manic must-eat-now state that only happens when I'm restricting. If I am consistently eating enough to sustain myself, I can hold out for longer and not dissolve into a shaky hypoglycemic panic if lunch gets delayed by an hour. Even though I haven't really lost any weight in the last couple of weeks, I think the recent loss combined with the lower intake (not scary low, just lower than R would like) is starting to take its toll. So I am motivated to turn things around NOW while my brain and heart and metabolism still have a fighting chance.
Okay, gotta get moving. I've got a 14-page paper and two 10-pagers due this week, plus a presentation and a big project for work. Peace!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Rundown
So sorry for the lack of updates. There's not much going on beyond what I've already talked about. I'm hanging in there with eating, trying to stay on track as much as possible. I think my weight is pretty stable but I haven't really been keeping close tabs on it. You would think this is a good sign - that I'm less obsessive about weighing myself at EXACTLY the same time every morning like I usually do - but I historically get less rigid about the weighing ritual as my eating deteriorates. When the anorexia was at its worst last year, I barely ever weighed myself, even though we had a scale sitting right there in the bathroom. I was vaguely aware of my weight, as in I would hop on the scale every once in a while and register the number with a brief huh, that's lower than last time, and go on with my day. It's sort of similar now, except that my eating is way better than it was then and I'm still as nervous as ever for my weekly weigh-in with R. So, I'm not sure what to make of that observation.
In other news, I'm having a really good time with my friends and getting wrapped up in classes and schoolwork again. For the sake of my sanity, I HAVE to stay fairly busy, but it's a fine line between healthy-productive-busy and stressful-panic-self-destructing-busy. Lately I've been toeing that line, trying to figure out exactly where it lies. Schoolwork is starting to pick up, as are various club/research/work activities, and I'm trying to resist the urge to take on a million projects and throw myself into everything headfirst without first consulting my responsible, moderate, reasonable side.
I really hope my last post didn't come across as all doom and gloom, because I really am happy to be here and trying so hard to make it work. I don't think I was ever under any illusions that this would be easy, but the reality of it has still taken some getting used to.
Things I'm happy about:
1) My wonderful, compassionate, brilliant, endlessly supportive and understanding roommate.
2) My mom. We've been talking on the phone almost every day. I know she's super worried about me, and she is doing an amazing job of being available without prying.
3) Therapy. I really like R a lot, and I'm almost looking forward to seeing him this week. I feel like he is very purposeful during our sessions and sets a clear agenda and goal, whereas my old therapist W just sort of asked questions and listened to me ramble before moving on. So I'm thinking R is definitely an improvement and I could make some real progress with him. If only I didn't have to get weighed.
4) The delicious sushi I just ate for dinner. I was feeling fat and gross and really wasn't up to facing a restaurant, but my friends wanted to go and we ended up having a great time. Why don't I learn from these experiences?
Things I'm worried/stressed about
1) Schoolwork, exams, too much reading, blah blah blah.
2) The paper-thin walls of my apartment. Seriously, I can hear my neighbor snoring from the next unit.
3) Therapy. Like I said, I really like R a lot, but I HATE getting weighed. Last time he gave me to option of having blind weights, which I'm still undecided on. I have my own scale so I could theoretically check my weight anytime I wanted, but maybe having the blind weights with R will reduce some anxiety about my appointments so I can focus on the therapy part and not the weighing part.
4) Not having time to get to a grocery store. My food supply is majorly depleted. There are places on campus where I could eat, but not everything is Kaylee-friendly.
I think that's all for now!
In other news, I'm having a really good time with my friends and getting wrapped up in classes and schoolwork again. For the sake of my sanity, I HAVE to stay fairly busy, but it's a fine line between healthy-productive-busy and stressful-panic-self-destructing-busy. Lately I've been toeing that line, trying to figure out exactly where it lies. Schoolwork is starting to pick up, as are various club/research/work activities, and I'm trying to resist the urge to take on a million projects and throw myself into everything headfirst without first consulting my responsible, moderate, reasonable side.
I really hope my last post didn't come across as all doom and gloom, because I really am happy to be here and trying so hard to make it work. I don't think I was ever under any illusions that this would be easy, but the reality of it has still taken some getting used to.
Things I'm happy about:
1) My wonderful, compassionate, brilliant, endlessly supportive and understanding roommate.
2) My mom. We've been talking on the phone almost every day. I know she's super worried about me, and she is doing an amazing job of being available without prying.
3) Therapy. I really like R a lot, and I'm almost looking forward to seeing him this week. I feel like he is very purposeful during our sessions and sets a clear agenda and goal, whereas my old therapist W just sort of asked questions and listened to me ramble before moving on. So I'm thinking R is definitely an improvement and I could make some real progress with him. If only I didn't have to get weighed.
4) The delicious sushi I just ate for dinner. I was feeling fat and gross and really wasn't up to facing a restaurant, but my friends wanted to go and we ended up having a great time. Why don't I learn from these experiences?
Things I'm worried/stressed about
1) Schoolwork, exams, too much reading, blah blah blah.
2) The paper-thin walls of my apartment. Seriously, I can hear my neighbor snoring from the next unit.
3) Therapy. Like I said, I really like R a lot, but I HATE getting weighed. Last time he gave me to option of having blind weights, which I'm still undecided on. I have my own scale so I could theoretically check my weight anytime I wanted, but maybe having the blind weights with R will reduce some anxiety about my appointments so I can focus on the therapy part and not the weighing part.
4) Not having time to get to a grocery store. My food supply is majorly depleted. There are places on campus where I could eat, but not everything is Kaylee-friendly.
I think that's all for now!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Back to Life
Suddenly, I have a life again. I am taking classes, going to restaurants, highlighting textbooks, and staying out late. The transition back to college has definitely been hard, but I think I'm finally making it. I feel so much more connected and real and alive. Today when I was walking back from the gym in the most fantastic sunshine I've ever seen, I thought: I might actually be happy right now.
My classes are amazing. I love them all. I'm so thrilled to be back in an academic setting, to be engaged and stimulated and excited. Every morning, I am genuinely happy to get out of bed and start my day. I will never take this feeling for granted again.
That's not to say everything has been perfect. I spent much of last weekend feeling hugely insecure and fat and gross and lonely. What if no one even remembered me? What if everyone hated me for disappearing last semester without warning? How would I explain myself? Pushing myself to reach out to my old friends and initiate social contact involved a lot of freaking out and anxiety and omgwhatifIhavenofriends? But then, you know what? I just did it. And it has been so worth it. On Friday night, one of my best friends since freshman year gave me a huge hug and said, "Kaylee, I'm so happy you're back!" I wish I could express to her how freaking amazing that made me feel.
Eating has been so-so. Honestly, I'm really busy, and food isn't on my mind 24/7 anymore. It just isn't. I'm not trying to lose weight, but I'm not really trying to not lose weight either, if that makes sense. I'm finding myself eating less by accident, realizing it after the fact, but then still lacking the healthy perspective to add a snack and make up the difference. Part of me is screaming I'm fine! I ate less yesterday and I was fine! I don't NEED all that food. It's also hard to put my calories in context, because I've been working out much less here than I did all spring and summer at home, but now I am walking constantly, climbing stairs, and lugging a backpack full of books all over campus. So, do I need more or less food? The same? Different food? The thought of trying to quantify calories in/out makes my head spin. I find myself cutting corners here and there, just to "be safe."
The results: I'm down a couple of pounds, totally unintentionally, but I can't say I'm upset about it. This worries me a bit, but my weight really isn't forefront in my mind at the moment. I just feel like...I don't know, like I can't be bothered. I'm not actively trying to eat less, but I find that to be my default setting and I'm getting lazy about challenging it.
This isn't a very cohesive or exciting update, but I've got lots of reading to do and a paper (already!) to write. Have I mentioned that I LOVE being back at school? I know the stress will hit soon, but for now I'm working to stay balanced, calm, and really make the most of getting another chance without running myself into the ground. I've stayed out super late for three of the past four nights, so I'm aiming to make tonight an early one.
The results: I'm down a couple of pounds, totally unintentionally, but I can't say I'm upset about it. This worries me a bit, but my weight really isn't forefront in my mind at the moment. I just feel like...I don't know, like I can't be bothered. I'm not actively trying to eat less, but I find that to be my default setting and I'm getting lazy about challenging it.
This isn't a very cohesive or exciting update, but I've got lots of reading to do and a paper (already!) to write. Have I mentioned that I LOVE being back at school? I know the stress will hit soon, but for now I'm working to stay balanced, calm, and really make the most of getting another chance without running myself into the ground. I've stayed out super late for three of the past four nights, so I'm aiming to make tonight an early one.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Defeated by Ice Cream
Last night it hit me how far from normal I really am. I thought I was okay with most foods. I can usually fit most things into my meal plan, as long as I have a heads up. I eat bread, pasta, sugar, cheese, etc. All the scary stuff.
Last night, though, a bowl of ice cream totally kicked my butt.
I was hanging out with my friend C when all of a sudden, before I quite knew what was happening, we were sitting in a 24-hour diner with dessert menus in front of us. My friend ordered a sundae while I panicked and squirmed and took freaking forever to decide what to get. I didn't want to not order anything and sit there like an ED-possessed nutjob while C ate, but of course the ten minutes it took me to decide on a flavor, size, and topping squashed any shred of "normal" I may have still been hanging onto.
So by the time the waitress brought our orders to the table, I was a wreck. I played with my spoon until the ice cream was melting down the sides of the dish and I had made a huge yucky mess and thoroughly humiliated myself.
C was asking lots about what I've been up to and how I've been doing and all I could focus on was how much ice cream I may or may not have actually ingested.
WHY can't I be a normal person?
Last night, though, a bowl of ice cream totally kicked my butt.
I was hanging out with my friend C when all of a sudden, before I quite knew what was happening, we were sitting in a 24-hour diner with dessert menus in front of us. My friend ordered a sundae while I panicked and squirmed and took freaking forever to decide what to get. I didn't want to not order anything and sit there like an ED-possessed nutjob while C ate, but of course the ten minutes it took me to decide on a flavor, size, and topping squashed any shred of "normal" I may have still been hanging onto.
So by the time the waitress brought our orders to the table, I was a wreck. I played with my spoon until the ice cream was melting down the sides of the dish and I had made a huge yucky mess and thoroughly humiliated myself.
C was asking lots about what I've been up to and how I've been doing and all I could focus on was how much ice cream I may or may not have actually ingested.
WHY can't I be a normal person?
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Success?
Well, it was a loooong weekend. Definitely some ups and downs - but more ups than downs, I think. I'm pretty sure.
I had a crappy day at work on Friday. The usual boring uselessness. Then I saw my dietician and my weight was UP. Ugh. Not a lot (or even a very significant amount at all), but enough to take my shaky mood from bad to worse.
So I was NOT feeling up to the barbecue that night even though I was already totally committed and not going was not really an option. I even wanted to go. But, of course, I had to go through my ritual meltdown of tearing through my closet trying and re-trying on clothes and ripping my hair out.
Although I am pretty reserved by nature, I actually love people and nothing depresses me more than being lonely. Sometimes, though, the thought of having to put on my "normal" face and perform in a social setting is too overwhelming. ("I'm too fat/ugly/tired/stressed/busy/etc. to go!") I almost always end up having a great time once I'm there, but I guess my default is to stick to my regular, solitary routine and it takes a real push to get me out the door.
Long story short: I went to the barbecue and had a great time. My friends are hilarious and I haven't laughed so much in months. We ended up staying for over eight hours because no one, not even me, wanted to leave.
In terms of food, I got off easy. Another girl there was a vegetarian, so there were low-cal veggie burgers and salad. It ended up being a way smaller meal than I had even planned on, so I was starving when I got home and ate an extra protein bar at about 2 a.m. (VERY out of character for Kaylee) before going to bed.
Lesson learned: just go. You'll be fine.
The next day, my friend C came to visit. We ate dinner at home and hung with some other friends for a bit, but it was a pretty low-key night. I had therapy in the morning so I dropped C off at a coffee shop for an hour, then we went shopping. Again, though, I was low on calories. I had planned to grab breakfast at the coffee shop with C, but we were running late so I ended up only having a granola bar in the car. Lunch was small, and I didn't have any extra snacks with me. By late afternoon when C left, I was way under my usual calories. That, combined with two nights of very little sleep, had me falling apart by dinnertime.
My mom was cooking something elaborate and for some reason, it just seemed like too much. Too many ingredients, too many unknown factors, too much to calculate. I guess the little stresses of the weekend finally caught up with me and the idea of eating something new and unknown for dinner was just too much.
Even though I'd had a fantastic weekend, I was hungry and exhausted and basically in tears as I ate. My mom got to witness a full-on ugly cry, which had us both a little baffled. Yes, I had a good weekend. No, I don't want to talk about it.
These kinds of mood swings haven't been entirely unusual for me lately. I'm beginning to see how they are connected to changes in food intake, exercise, or stress. My body is definitely much stronger and healthier than it was six months ago, but sometimes I am terrified by how fragile my mind still feels.
I'm not exactly sure where this leaves me. My weekend was amazing in terms of reconnecting with old friends and catching up with C. Becoming socially engaged again is so important to me and always makes me feel so much better, so I am really proud of pulling that off. Foodwise, the fact that I avoided consuming thousands of excess calories and gaining thirty pounds overnight is always a success in my book...but I did eat less than I was supposed to and instead of feeling guilty about it, I feel relieved. So that, I guess, is a recovery fail.
I had a crappy day at work on Friday. The usual boring uselessness. Then I saw my dietician and my weight was UP. Ugh. Not a lot (or even a very significant amount at all), but enough to take my shaky mood from bad to worse.
So I was NOT feeling up to the barbecue that night even though I was already totally committed and not going was not really an option. I even wanted to go. But, of course, I had to go through my ritual meltdown of tearing through my closet trying and re-trying on clothes and ripping my hair out.
Although I am pretty reserved by nature, I actually love people and nothing depresses me more than being lonely. Sometimes, though, the thought of having to put on my "normal" face and perform in a social setting is too overwhelming. ("I'm too fat/ugly/tired/stressed/busy/etc. to go!") I almost always end up having a great time once I'm there, but I guess my default is to stick to my regular, solitary routine and it takes a real push to get me out the door.
Long story short: I went to the barbecue and had a great time. My friends are hilarious and I haven't laughed so much in months. We ended up staying for over eight hours because no one, not even me, wanted to leave.
In terms of food, I got off easy. Another girl there was a vegetarian, so there were low-cal veggie burgers and salad. It ended up being a way smaller meal than I had even planned on, so I was starving when I got home and ate an extra protein bar at about 2 a.m. (VERY out of character for Kaylee) before going to bed.
Lesson learned: just go. You'll be fine.
The next day, my friend C came to visit. We ate dinner at home and hung with some other friends for a bit, but it was a pretty low-key night. I had therapy in the morning so I dropped C off at a coffee shop for an hour, then we went shopping. Again, though, I was low on calories. I had planned to grab breakfast at the coffee shop with C, but we were running late so I ended up only having a granola bar in the car. Lunch was small, and I didn't have any extra snacks with me. By late afternoon when C left, I was way under my usual calories. That, combined with two nights of very little sleep, had me falling apart by dinnertime.
My mom was cooking something elaborate and for some reason, it just seemed like too much. Too many ingredients, too many unknown factors, too much to calculate. I guess the little stresses of the weekend finally caught up with me and the idea of eating something new and unknown for dinner was just too much.
Even though I'd had a fantastic weekend, I was hungry and exhausted and basically in tears as I ate. My mom got to witness a full-on ugly cry, which had us both a little baffled. Yes, I had a good weekend. No, I don't want to talk about it.
These kinds of mood swings haven't been entirely unusual for me lately. I'm beginning to see how they are connected to changes in food intake, exercise, or stress. My body is definitely much stronger and healthier than it was six months ago, but sometimes I am terrified by how fragile my mind still feels.
I'm not exactly sure where this leaves me. My weekend was amazing in terms of reconnecting with old friends and catching up with C. Becoming socially engaged again is so important to me and always makes me feel so much better, so I am really proud of pulling that off. Foodwise, the fact that I avoided consuming thousands of excess calories and gaining thirty pounds overnight is always a success in my book...but I did eat less than I was supposed to and instead of feeling guilty about it, I feel relieved. So that, I guess, is a recovery fail.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Weekend Worries
Lots of scary stuff coming up this weekend. First of all, I'm seeing my dietician tomorrow. The good news is that I get to miss an hour of work for my appointment. The bad news is that I will be getting weighed, which I despise. Also bad: I will have lots of unpredictable eating situations in the next couple of days that I do NOT want to approach if I am already upset about my weight. Since I weigh myself at home, I usually know what to expect at my dietician's office, but my weight has been doing funky things this week (fluctuating way more than usual for no apparent reason) so I worry that it will be high tomorrow which will land me in a Fat Funk.
More challenges: tomorrow night I'm going to a barbecue with some old friends from high school. The biggest issue with this is the "unknown" factor. I'm not exactly sure what's on the menu, and whether it will be a free-for-fall where everyone takes their own food, or if there will be a big to-do over how many burgers to cook, who wants potato salad, etc. So I'm nervous about attention to my eating, which never fails to kill my appetite. Stressing about food makes me not fun to be around, and I really don't want to let that ruin the night.
Then on Saturday, one of my best friends from college is coming to visit. (To clarify, our school is six states away but this friend grew up about an hour north of me.) I am really excited to see her, but definitely a little nervous about food. This friend is a little overweight but not unhealthy, since she is pretty active and eats well. Read: she's normal. At the same time, though, I know she worries about her weight and little comments about calories/fat/BMI tend to sneak into our conversations. Not to make her sound obsessed, because she's not. She also loves to go out for ice cream, which definitely worries me. I can usually do meals okay - it's the "extra" stuff (dessert) that freaks me out. More so when it follows a conversation about calories and BMI.
But even more than food issues, the idea of having someone in my "space" is always nerve-wracking to me. I love love LOVE seeing my friends, but I can't last very long without having some exit strategy for when I need some alone time. Food definitely plays into this - when you spend several hours with someone, you can only avoid eating for so long. This scares me. I don't really have issues with eating enough at the moment; it's more that I like to eat certain foods at certain times, prepare my own foods, and be able to measure/count/season everything myself so I know exactly what I'm eating. When I'm with friends, there's the pressure of not having that control, plus the pressure of trying to look normal. I can't plan obsessively, and I can't obsess about my lack of planning. Anxiety? YES.
I don't eat spontaneously. I don't skip workouts. I don't choose what looks yummy. Is this disordered? Duh. Does this lend itself to a fun-filled weekend of friends, ice cream, and barbecue? NO.
In the spirit of recovery, though, I am trying really hard not to let myself get stressed over what should be a really fun weekend. I have spent too many social events be overshadowed by my own freaking-outage in the past, and it's so not worth it. Lately, it has been occurring to me that recovery is not just about eating enough calories, but putting yourself in situations that are uncomfortable and stressful (for food reasons or otherwise), and coming out on the other side.
More challenges: tomorrow night I'm going to a barbecue with some old friends from high school. The biggest issue with this is the "unknown" factor. I'm not exactly sure what's on the menu, and whether it will be a free-for-fall where everyone takes their own food, or if there will be a big to-do over how many burgers to cook, who wants potato salad, etc. So I'm nervous about attention to my eating, which never fails to kill my appetite. Stressing about food makes me not fun to be around, and I really don't want to let that ruin the night.
Then on Saturday, one of my best friends from college is coming to visit. (To clarify, our school is six states away but this friend grew up about an hour north of me.) I am really excited to see her, but definitely a little nervous about food. This friend is a little overweight but not unhealthy, since she is pretty active and eats well. Read: she's normal. At the same time, though, I know she worries about her weight and little comments about calories/fat/BMI tend to sneak into our conversations. Not to make her sound obsessed, because she's not. She also loves to go out for ice cream, which definitely worries me. I can usually do meals okay - it's the "extra" stuff (dessert) that freaks me out. More so when it follows a conversation about calories and BMI.
But even more than food issues, the idea of having someone in my "space" is always nerve-wracking to me. I love love LOVE seeing my friends, but I can't last very long without having some exit strategy for when I need some alone time. Food definitely plays into this - when you spend several hours with someone, you can only avoid eating for so long. This scares me. I don't really have issues with eating enough at the moment; it's more that I like to eat certain foods at certain times, prepare my own foods, and be able to measure/count/season everything myself so I know exactly what I'm eating. When I'm with friends, there's the pressure of not having that control, plus the pressure of trying to look normal. I can't plan obsessively, and I can't obsess about my lack of planning. Anxiety? YES.
I don't eat spontaneously. I don't skip workouts. I don't choose what looks yummy. Is this disordered? Duh. Does this lend itself to a fun-filled weekend of friends, ice cream, and barbecue? NO.
In the spirit of recovery, though, I am trying really hard not to let myself get stressed over what should be a really fun weekend. I have spent too many social events be overshadowed by my own freaking-outage in the past, and it's so not worth it. Lately, it has been occurring to me that recovery is not just about eating enough calories, but putting yourself in situations that are uncomfortable and stressful (for food reasons or otherwise), and coming out on the other side.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Post mini-vacation high
I'm back home after back-to-back flight nightmares and a hellishly boring day at work, but somehow I am still in a good mood. I don't think I've remained consistently happy for this many days (about three) in a row since...probably last summer?
My weekend was fabulous. Exactly what I needed. My friend was the perfect combination of supportive, distracting, and ego-boosting to make me feel NOT worthless and fat. She also helped with some of my anxieties about school in the fall - namely, that everyone will gawk at how fat I've gotten and hate me forever.
In terms of food, I actually think I did fantastic - if I do say so myself. K's family is pretty health conscious, but relaxed about it. They basically eat anything (meaning meat, dessert, fruits/veggies, butter, oil, starches, etc.), but mostly just a lot of wholesome, real, home-cooked food. We had all of our meals at home, and I definitely ate more liberally at meals than I ever do at home (although I skipped all of my usual snacks...but I do think I made up for it at meals). Part of it was definitely not wanting to look like the weird anorexic friend who doesn't eat, especially since K and her parents are all aware of my eating disorder. But part of it was also just me letting go, eating what looked good, and listening to my body more than I have in a long, long time.
It was also the first time in years that I haven't counted calories. (Another confession: my nutritionist thinks I stopped counting calories weeks ago, but I haven't. I can't. I literally cannot NOT count...no matter what, I automatically add everything up in my head and I have no idea how to not do that. It is as instinctual as breathing. This is one issue that I KNOW contributes to my disordered thinking and makes me hugely obsessive, but I haven't even really attempted to address it simply because I have no freaking clue how.)
Anyway, I had no way to determine the calories in the foods K's mom prepared. I also didn't have to judge portion sizes because she always put everything on my plate for me. Basically, I had zero control over the food and I totally went with it. I even had dessert twice. Go me.
Now before you think I've fully recovered and mastered intuitive eating in 2 days, I have to admit that I have completely reverted to my usual rigid habits without missing a beat since being home. It wasn't out of guilty urge to compensate for gorging over the weekend; I didn't overeat at K's house, and my weight has actually inched down since I last weighed myself on Friday before my trip. I have just slipped back into my typical eating/running routines because that's what I do. I wouldn't have expected things to go any other way.
But this happiness thing is still lingering. I didn't even have an internal meltdown when BOTH of my flights got delayed and I didn't get home until midnight. Maybe my body is still soaking up all that wholesome, K-approved comfort food. Either way, I feel good and I'm hanging onto it.
My weekend was fabulous. Exactly what I needed. My friend was the perfect combination of supportive, distracting, and ego-boosting to make me feel NOT worthless and fat. She also helped with some of my anxieties about school in the fall - namely, that everyone will gawk at how fat I've gotten and hate me forever.
In terms of food, I actually think I did fantastic - if I do say so myself. K's family is pretty health conscious, but relaxed about it. They basically eat anything (meaning meat, dessert, fruits/veggies, butter, oil, starches, etc.), but mostly just a lot of wholesome, real, home-cooked food. We had all of our meals at home, and I definitely ate more liberally at meals than I ever do at home (although I skipped all of my usual snacks...but I do think I made up for it at meals). Part of it was definitely not wanting to look like the weird anorexic friend who doesn't eat, especially since K and her parents are all aware of my eating disorder. But part of it was also just me letting go, eating what looked good, and listening to my body more than I have in a long, long time.
It was also the first time in years that I haven't counted calories. (Another confession: my nutritionist thinks I stopped counting calories weeks ago, but I haven't. I can't. I literally cannot NOT count...no matter what, I automatically add everything up in my head and I have no idea how to not do that. It is as instinctual as breathing. This is one issue that I KNOW contributes to my disordered thinking and makes me hugely obsessive, but I haven't even really attempted to address it simply because I have no freaking clue how.)
Anyway, I had no way to determine the calories in the foods K's mom prepared. I also didn't have to judge portion sizes because she always put everything on my plate for me. Basically, I had zero control over the food and I totally went with it. I even had dessert twice. Go me.
Now before you think I've fully recovered and mastered intuitive eating in 2 days, I have to admit that I have completely reverted to my usual rigid habits without missing a beat since being home. It wasn't out of guilty urge to compensate for gorging over the weekend; I didn't overeat at K's house, and my weight has actually inched down since I last weighed myself on Friday before my trip. I have just slipped back into my typical eating/running routines because that's what I do. I wouldn't have expected things to go any other way.
But this happiness thing is still lingering. I didn't even have an internal meltdown when BOTH of my flights got delayed and I didn't get home until midnight. Maybe my body is still soaking up all that wholesome, K-approved comfort food. Either way, I feel good and I'm hanging onto it.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Weekend Trip
Tomorrow I am flying out to visit a friend from school, and I'm thrilled to say that I am actually excited about something for the first time in a long, long time. Actually, I'm 90% excited to see her and 10% excited to miss a day of this stupid internship.
This friend, K, was my roommate last fall before I moved back home. We met freshman year through a mutual friend and since then have become majorly close. We think alike and we get along pretty perfectly. Basically, we just get each other.
Another thing - she is the most normal, healthy, sane eater I have ever met. She eats three square meals a day, snacks when she's hungry, has dessert when she feels like it, works out to feel good, etc. In this way, she baffles me.
K was probably one of the first people to notice my wacky eating habits over the past year. She never got confrontational about it, but I definitely sensed concern. (I also think she MAY have mentioned something/possible e-mailed my mom to say she was worried...but I have no proof. If I ever confirmed that this were true, I would honestly just respect and love her even more. But again, no proof. And I don't think I will ever ask her about it because it would just put us both in an uncomfortable position.)
Similarly, I think I started realizing how far gone I was by comparing my eating habits to hers. Eventually, I just started avoiding her at mealtimes because the differences between us were just to extreme to ignore. It would have been funny - if not for the whole anorexia thing.
Anyway, rambling finished. I am ridiculously excited to see her tomorrow, even though it will be a whirlwind trip bookended by plane rides, which I despise. I'm a little nervous about the food stuff, obviously, but tend to do okay now eating with others. I fear drawing unwanted attention to myself ALMOST as much as I fear getting fat, so I usually make a point of eating normal(ish) portions and not engage in any blatantly disordered behaviors when I'm with people outside my family. Total peer pressure, 100%, but I guess it's good for me.
Off to finish (start) packing.
This friend, K, was my roommate last fall before I moved back home. We met freshman year through a mutual friend and since then have become majorly close. We think alike and we get along pretty perfectly. Basically, we just get each other.
Another thing - she is the most normal, healthy, sane eater I have ever met. She eats three square meals a day, snacks when she's hungry, has dessert when she feels like it, works out to feel good, etc. In this way, she baffles me.
K was probably one of the first people to notice my wacky eating habits over the past year. She never got confrontational about it, but I definitely sensed concern. (I also think she MAY have mentioned something/possible e-mailed my mom to say she was worried...but I have no proof. If I ever confirmed that this were true, I would honestly just respect and love her even more. But again, no proof. And I don't think I will ever ask her about it because it would just put us both in an uncomfortable position.)
Similarly, I think I started realizing how far gone I was by comparing my eating habits to hers. Eventually, I just started avoiding her at mealtimes because the differences between us were just to extreme to ignore. It would have been funny - if not for the whole anorexia thing.
Anyway, rambling finished. I am ridiculously excited to see her tomorrow, even though it will be a whirlwind trip bookended by plane rides, which I despise. I'm a little nervous about the food stuff, obviously, but tend to do okay now eating with others. I fear drawing unwanted attention to myself ALMOST as much as I fear getting fat, so I usually make a point of eating normal(ish) portions and not engage in any blatantly disordered behaviors when I'm with people outside my family. Total peer pressure, 100%, but I guess it's good for me.
Off to finish (start) packing.
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