Sunday, July 10, 2011


Well, it was a loooong weekend. Definitely some ups and downs - but more ups than downs, I think. I'm pretty sure.

I had a crappy day at work on Friday. The usual boring uselessness. Then I saw my dietician and my weight was UP. Ugh. Not a lot (or even a very significant amount at all), but enough to take my shaky mood from bad to worse.

So I was NOT feeling up to the barbecue that night even though I was already totally committed and not going was not really an option. I even wanted to go. But, of course, I had to go through my ritual meltdown of tearing through my closet trying and re-trying on clothes and ripping my hair out.

Although I am pretty reserved by nature, I actually love people and nothing depresses me more than being lonely. Sometimes, though, the thought of having to put on my "normal" face and perform in a social setting is too overwhelming. ("I'm too fat/ugly/tired/stressed/busy/etc. to go!") I almost always end up having a great time once I'm there, but I guess my default is to stick to my regular, solitary routine and it takes a real push to get me out the door.

Long story short: I went to the barbecue and had a great time. My friends are hilarious and I haven't laughed so much in months. We ended up staying for over eight hours because no one, not even me, wanted to leave.

In terms of food, I got off easy. Another girl there was a vegetarian, so there were low-cal veggie burgers and salad. It ended up being a way smaller meal than I had even planned on, so I was starving when I got home and ate an extra protein bar at about 2 a.m. (VERY out of character for Kaylee) before going to bed.

Lesson learned: just go. You'll be fine.

The next day, my friend C came to visit. We ate dinner at home and hung with some other friends for a bit, but it was a pretty low-key night. I had therapy in the morning so I dropped C off at a coffee shop for an hour, then we went shopping. Again, though, I was low on calories. I had planned to grab breakfast at the coffee shop with C, but we were running late so I ended up only having a granola bar in the car. Lunch was small, and I didn't have any extra snacks with me. By late afternoon when C left, I was way under my usual calories. That, combined with two nights of very little sleep, had me falling apart by dinnertime.

My mom was cooking something elaborate and for some reason, it just seemed like too much.  Too many ingredients, too many unknown factors, too much to calculate.  I guess the little stresses of the weekend finally caught up with me and the idea of eating something new and unknown for dinner was just too much.

Even though I'd had a fantastic weekend, I was hungry and exhausted and basically in tears as I ate. My mom got to witness a full-on ugly cry, which had us both a little baffled. Yes, I had a good weekend. No, I don't want to talk about it.

These kinds of mood swings haven't been entirely unusual for me lately. I'm beginning to see how they are connected to changes in food intake, exercise, or stress. My body is definitely much stronger and healthier than it was six months ago, but sometimes I am terrified by how fragile my mind still feels.

I'm not exactly sure where this leaves me. My weekend was amazing in terms of reconnecting with old friends and catching up with C. Becoming socially engaged again is so important to me and always makes me feel so much better, so I am really proud of pulling that off. Foodwise, the fact that I avoided consuming thousands of excess calories and gaining thirty pounds overnight is always a success in my book...but I did eat less than I was supposed to and instead of feeling guilty about it, I feel relieved. So that, I guess, is a recovery fail.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, sounds like you did a damn good job on many fronts! It's rare to hit the bullseye on every issue and event, but overall you did great on a lot of things and learned some good lessons (like how even when you're dreading an event, it often turns out to be fun). Especially on supplementing yourself (even late at night) when you knew you hadn't had enough, that can be an easy thing to skip out on, but it's great you were strong enough to do it. You didn't have a recovery fail by any stretch of the imagination. Recovery is a road or a spectrum or whatever metaphor you prefer; you win some skirmishes and lose some too, but the losses don't mean you've lost the war, don't black and white yourself out of credit for what you did tackle.

    Re: the dinner meltdown. I have found that even at my healthiest weights, my mind and moods are definitely still very fragile when I go too long without eating. I've had a lot of "sit on the kitchen floor crying because I'm famished but it has been 45 minutes in front of the fridge and I still don't know what to eat" episodes. Sorry you had a stressful dinner with your mom, but hang in there, you had done a lot that weekend and anyone would have felt a bit stretched after all of those challenges.

    Really glad you had such a good time with your friends! You deserve some time to just relax and enjoy them and let them enjoy you. ;)