Sunday, July 24, 2011

In Which I Realize I Am Totally Clueless

Uhhhh......well remember yesterday when I said that I didn't think my therapist and my dietician communicated very much?  Wrong.

Today when I walked into my appointment with W, she asked How are you? And I said, Good!  Great!  Fine!  How are you?  And I wasn't totally full of shit either, because I really have been feeling a little better lately - as in, no random crying fits or skipping food or pounding out extra time on the treadmill.  No jumping for joy or anything, but feeling pretty okay at least.  So I was somewhat looking forward to seeing W and having something semi-positive to report instead of the usual I hate my body I hate food I hate home.

But this morning as soon as I got through saying how Great! I was doing, W said, "B and I are very concerned."  I guess B had been really worried about me losing weight again at my appointment last Thursday so she called M (the main doctor who runs the treatment center that W and B work for, and coordinates all the therapists and dieticians and patients) and then M spoke to W, who has been in contact with B ever since.

Things that have been discussed at length for months without my knowledge:
1) my weight
2) my "affect"
3) my menstrual cycle (or lack thereof)
4) my fall class schedule
5) my future apartment's location (off-campus, meaning more walking)
6) my aversion to anti-depressants, even though W and M both think I should be taking something

The last one is the biggie. I have made it clear to both W and M that I do not want to be on anti-depressants (maybe more on that later), which they both seemed to accept.  Today I got the impression that they no longer respected my decision on that and they wanted to get my parents on board to convince/gang up on me to change my mind.

As for the other stuff, well, I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that my therapist and my dietician have talked about my weight and other relevant things, but it still feels like my privacy has been a little violated.  I have always been 100% honest with W about my weight, my intake, my period, etc. and it bothers me that she felt she had to confirm without telling me.

So, I'm not sure what to think about all this.  I've never really felt like my sessions with W had anything to do with my sessions with B, but they've really been coordinating all along.  Apparently W has asked B to look out for correlations between my weight/intake/exercise with my mood, and the two of them have even met with M for the Anti-D discussion.  Now, I just feel really left out of the loop and not clued into the whole plan that is supposed to be helping me.

This isn't meant to sound bitter at all.  I'm not angry - I know that these are professionals who are doing their jobs and genuinely trying to help me get better.  After having the day to think about it more, I realize that I'm actually grateful B and W been communicating because it means that they both have a much clearer and more complete idea of where I am recovery-wise than I thought they did.  It also means that they are able to pick up on things I can't necessarily admit to them on my own.

So I'm trying to be okay with knowing that all these Kaylee-centered talks are going on behind the scenes.  Giving up some of my autonomy (moving back home, getting weighed, handing over my food records) has been one of the hardest parts of recovery for me to accept.  I am intensely private and fiercely independent, and the thought of having others discuss something as personal as my weight makes my skin crawl.

I know that having my entire treatment team on the same page is a Very Good Thing in the long run and that it will only hurt me to float through treatment without really taking it seriously.  It is also a Very Good Thing that B and W are on top of their games and refuse to let me get away with sliding backwards.  At the same time, though, I'm still feeling a tiny bit pouty about the whole thing.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad that B and W are coordinating with each other about what is going on with you. Certainly, I can understand the feeling of violation, but keep reminding yourself that it will be helpful in the long run.

    I used to have some professionals who coordinated together about my treatment. Eventually, I got to a point of just saying, "did you talk to so and so?" It actually was relieving, because then I didn't have to hash out the whole thing again.

    Re: your post prior to this. I used to get the same way with my therapists--that I felt like nothing was relevant anymore by the time I saw them. My bad habit was saying, "oh, and by the way, this happened last week" just as I was heading for the door. It is important to try to talk about these things even if they don't feel THAT relevant to you at the time. Usually, there is a significance, especially in early recovery.