I'm having a pretty rough time lately. Less food, more running. Weight loss. It's sort of hard for me to admit, but when I step back and assess things, even I can see myself slipping.
I'm eating way less than I'm supposed to. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, since I have always had good intentions about sticking to the meal plan throughout my recovery. Since I first started seeing my dietician about seven months ago, I have generally stayed within an acceptable calorie range.
Lately, though, my range has been going down. It hasn't really been systematic restriction, but more like the maximum calorie amount that I am "okay" with is getting lower and lower. Now I find myself stuck with this arbitrary upper limit. I have no idea where it came from, but I absolutely will not eat over it.
Same with exercise. I have a certain number of minutes that I must work out every day and it has somehow gone up. It almost seems like I started exercising more without noticing; then once I did notice, I was stuck with it.
My weight is the lowest it's been since March. The bad part is: I'm not disappointed one bit. In fact, I'm relieved. I feel like I dodged a bullet. Whew. How did I let myself get so fat? Good thing I came back to my senses.
I feel like the past few months of eating and gaining weight belong to a different person, and now I'm back to being me again.
A major trigger has been depression. Even though a lot of things are looking up lately (e.g. end of stupid internship in sight, lotsa good friend times happening, getting excited about school starting soon), I still find myself crying several times a day. It almost doesn't seem unusual anymore, since this has been the norm for me for at least a couple of months, but I guess I have to admit that this is NOT normal. That I shouldn't feel like this.
I'm trying really hard to eat better. I saw my dietician today, and she was pretty concerned about my weight. Even when I know I haven't been eating enough, it usually doesn't fully register until someone else tells me. Denial? NEVER.
So I'm trying - to stick to the meal plan, to cut the exercise, and to not fall into the same traps my mind has been setting for years and years.