Thursday, July 14, 2011

Struggling

I'm having a pretty rough time lately.  Less food, more running. Weight loss.  It's sort of hard for me to admit, but when I step back and assess things, even I can see myself slipping.

I'm eating way less than I'm supposed to.  I'm not exactly sure how it happened, since I have always had good intentions about sticking to the meal plan throughout my recovery.  Since I first started seeing my dietician about seven months ago, I have generally stayed within an acceptable calorie range.

Lately, though, my range has been going down.  It hasn't really been systematic restriction, but more like the maximum calorie amount that I am "okay" with is getting lower and lower. Now I find myself stuck with this arbitrary upper limit.  I have no idea where it came from, but I absolutely will not eat over it.

Same with exercise.  I have a certain number of minutes that I must work out every day and it has somehow gone up.  It almost seems like I started exercising more without noticing; then once I did notice, I was stuck with it.

My weight is the lowest it's been since March.  The bad part is: I'm not disappointed one bit.  In fact, I'm relieved.  I feel like I dodged a bullet.  Whew.  How did I let myself get so fat?  Good thing I came back to my senses.

I feel like the past few months of eating and gaining weight belong to a different person, and now I'm back to being me again.

A major trigger has been depression.  Even though a lot of things are looking up lately (e.g. end of stupid internship in sight, lotsa good friend times happening, getting excited about school starting soon), I still find myself crying several times a day.  It almost doesn't seem unusual anymore, since this has been the norm for me for at least a couple of months, but I guess I have to admit that this is NOT normal.  That I shouldn't feel like this.

I'm trying really hard to eat better.  I saw my dietician today, and she was pretty concerned about my weight. Even when I know I haven't been eating enough, it usually doesn't fully register until someone else tells me.  Denial?  NEVER.

So I'm trying - to stick to the meal plan, to cut the exercise, and to not fall into the same traps my mind has been setting for years and years.

3 comments:

  1. It sounds like you are stuck in some habits that are hurting you. I'm sorry that it's so hard but I'm glad that your dietician is looking out for you. Maybe together you can strategize some ways for you to move past these barriers. I know that having a plan in place and the accountability of sharing it with someone else always helps me feel more empowered and "ready" to tackle even hard things. Keep trying. You SHOULDN'T feel like this and you deserve to get the help that you need to make it so it's not so hard for you.

    I know that as the time got closer and closer for me to start school again (we basically have the exact same history of when/how our disorder and recovery process began) I got really nervous and began self-sabotaging a little because I was too nervous about whether I could do it or not. I had to really ask myself if I was ready to go back, and listen for the honest answer. I told myself that I could stay back if I needed to, and this helped me feel like I had options. I weighed my options, and really did want to go back to school. This helped me to commit to it. A friend of mine who tried to return to school too soon after her ED did not do well. It took her a few tries and on her last one, she transferred schools, lived at home, and was patient with herself. Now, she is in graduate school and is (at least from what I can tell) doing well with recovery. Ask yourself if you are really ready to go back. If your answer is "yes," then use that to motivate yourself to do the things that will help you be successful. I think that could be a helpful exercise.

    I hope things look up soon!

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  2. It's funny how eating and exercise patterns can fall victim to opposite manifestations of the same trend: with eating, each new floor becomes the new ceiling, and with exercise each new ceiling becomes the new floor. We don't let ourselves go over the previous low for food or under what was the high for working out, so the whole situation can spiral and result in feeling stuck at the bottom of a very slippery slope.

    I'm glad your dietician is aware that your weight is down, please dont forget that she has the objective perspective and her concern is warranted. I know for myself, I tend to minimize or blow off the concerns of treatment providers sometimes, which sort of defeats the purpose of seeing them. It's also good that you're aware of it yourself, that can be the key part. I agree with what Sarah said, maybe it's the upcoming return to school that has you sliding a bit, sort of clinging to the old patterns out of some anxiety of the changes that will happen soon?

    Hang in there and remember that you can and did work yourself up to a more healthy place than you are now, and you can do it again. Maybe take it a step at a time, gradually work yourself back up to where you were and prove to yourself that it feels better, makes life easier, and is more in line with the life you really deserve.

    Keep your head high and don't lose confidence in your ability to kick this, everything happens just one day at a time.
    <3

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