A Pause in Packing

There are about 18 hours until I hop on a plane, fly five states away, and move into my new apartment in College City.  I'm not quite finished packing...but I'll get there.  Really not in the mood to go through my last batch of winter clothing and see what still fits me, what will/won't fit me in the next few months, and what I can fit into my two almost-full suitcases.  So I'm taking a break to blog.

- I had my last appointments with my dietician B and Dr. M this week.  There are some mixed feelings about that; obviously they have both been pretty important to my day-to-day life for the past several months, and some weeks they basically provided the only human contact I had, other than with my parents.  Still, it's not exactly like we were buddies.  They definitely saw me through my worst times physically and psychologically and I wasn't always the easiest, most forthcoming patient.  So I'm grateful for them, but definitely glad to be getting away.  As I was leaving her office on Tuesday, Dr. M asked me, "Do you have any sense of accomplishment about what you've done this year?"  I said no, not really, so she did some cheerleading and sent me off on a good note.

- M also gave me a referral for a new treatment center in College City.  When I contacted them, they told me that their only therapist who accepts my insurance is male.  I'm not sure how I feel about this; I don't have any problem working with men in general - I grew up with a big brother and have lots of guy friends.  Most of my professors are men, and three of my four college advisors (yes, I have FOUR different advisors) are men and I connect really well with all of them.  BUT I have enough difficulties in therapy as is, and I just don't know if I will be comfortable talking about feelings and body image issues with a man.  I haven't made an appointment yet, but am planning to at least give it a shot with this guy.  After some Googling, I've found that he has a ton of ED experience and seems really on top of his game, so we'll see how it goes.  Stay tuned on that one.

- This week, I've been making a big effort to spend more time with my family and my remaining friends in town, and really make the most of my last few days here.  Don't get me wrong - I've been completely miserable stuck at home since January, but I guess the end of summer is making me a wee bit sentimental about leaving.  As much as I might resent this town, I do get very attached to my routines and I'm feeling a little anxious about leaving this (albeit boring, unsatisfying, and generally shitty) living situation for a whole new one.  These jarring thoughts keep popping up in my head like last run on this road...last workout on this machine...last lunch at home...  Yes, most of these thoughts have to do with food and exercise.  Leave me alone.  It's a work in progress.  One big goal I have for this semester is to be a bit more spontaneous about that stuff - to be okay with changing dinner plans, saying yes to a last-minute lunch invite, skipping a workout, etc.  It's hard to look back and not see the past eight months as a huge waste of time, but I'm really trying to change that mindset and see every day as an opportunity.

Okay, sentimentalism over.

Right now I'm just doing the waiting game, puttering around shoving last-minute stuff into my bags, freaking out over details, wishing I could fast-forward to about a week from now.  Here's to travel, move-in, and all other transition-related issues going smoothly.

Weekend Trip

Tomorrow I am flying out to visit a friend from school, and I'm thrilled to say that I am actually excited about something for the first time in a long, long time.  Actually, I'm 90% excited to see her and 10% excited to miss a day of this stupid internship.

This friend, K, was my roommate last fall before I moved back home.  We met freshman year through a mutual friend and since then have become majorly close.  We think alike and we get along pretty perfectly. Basically, we just get each other.

Another thing - she is the most normal, healthy, sane eater I have ever met.  She eats three square meals a day, snacks when she's hungry, has dessert when she feels like it, works out to feel good, etc.  In this way, she baffles me.

K was probably one of the first people to notice my wacky eating habits over the past year.  She never got confrontational about it, but I definitely sensed concern.  (I also think she MAY have mentioned something/possible e-mailed my mom to say she was worried...but I have no proof.  If I ever confirmed that this were true, I would honestly just respect and love her even more.  But again, no proof.  And I don't think I will ever ask her about it because it would just put us both in an uncomfortable position.)

Similarly, I think I started realizing how far gone I was by comparing my eating habits to hers.  Eventually, I just started avoiding her at mealtimes because the differences between us were just to extreme to ignore.  It would have been funny - if not for the whole anorexia thing.

Anyway, rambling finished.  I am ridiculously excited to see her tomorrow, even though it will be a whirlwind trip bookended by plane rides, which I despise.  I'm a little nervous about the food stuff, obviously, but tend to do okay now eating with others.  I fear drawing unwanted attention to myself ALMOST as much as I fear getting fat, so I usually make a point of eating normal(ish) portions and not engage in any blatantly disordered behaviors when I'm with people outside my family.  Total peer pressure, 100%, but I guess it's good for me.

Off to finish (start) packing.