Probably My Last

I doubt anyone reads anymore, but just thought I owed one (probably) final update as my ED is gone and I don't have much interest in/time for blogging anymore.

When I say the anorexia is gone, I mean really and truly gone. I eat pretty much whatever I want, within normal adult reason (aka a reasonable amount of calories, snacks when I need, try to eat lots of vegetables and protein, try to limit carbs, but nothing is really off-limits). My friend and I go out for tacos and margaritas about once a month, where I stuff my face with chips and salsa before the drinks even arrive. And it doesn't ruin the rest of the night, or the next morning, or anything at all because it's fun and delicious. I cook all the time, and I enjoy food shopping, experimenting, sampling, and all the things that normal grown-ups who like food do.

I've also eased way up on exercise. Note to my former self: adding 30 min of weight lifting twice a week will do more for your body than all those miles and miles and miles of running. I have abs! And I eat more, work out less, and weigh less than I have in about 3-4 years. Who knew?

I have a year left of my PhD. It's going well, though I'm ready to be done with school and get out of this sad, racist, backwards Midwestern city (I'm allowed to say it; I've lived here for ten years.)

I'm also in love. Like, head over heels, crazy, nuts in love. My boyfriend and I are moving in together in a couple weeks (my parents are thrilled; his....less so, but learning to accept my non-interest in Jesus.). It's one of those stupid, boring-for-everyone-else relationships where we just feel perfect for each other and couldn't imagine life without each other. He sends flowers to my office randomly about once a month. He lets me wake him up at 7 on the weekends when I get bored even though he'd love nothing more than to sleep until noon. He lets me drag him to all sorts of dumb work and family events so I don't have to go alone. He hates Trump possibly even more than I do. He treats me like a fucking queen; and more importantly: like his equal. After many frustrating, non-satisfying, dead-end, non-starter relationships, I really wish I could go back and tell my younger self to RELAX, DON'T SETTLE. It's so, so worth it to hold out for the right one.

We talk a lot about how if we'd met when we were younger, we probably wouldn't have been able to hold onto each other. We were both so wrapped up in our own shit (me with my ED and my anxiety, him with his own stuff) that we weren't ready for a relationship; I truly had to get my own life in order before I could be a good partner. I wish someone had told me 2 or 5 or 10 years ago that it was okay to not have anything figured out, to be a little selfish and independent and disastrous, and that that was all part of the process of being 20.

I started this blog when I was barely out of my teens. I'm 27 now, and man do I feel it. But so does everyone, probably. By your late twenties, I feel like you should have lived through some shit and be ready to let a lot of it go. And then you hit 30 and realize how young you are.

Much love to all. I'll check my email here periodically so don't hesitate to get in touch.