Monday, September 5, 2011

Back to Life

Suddenly, I have a life again.  I am taking classes, going to restaurants, highlighting textbooks, and staying out late.  The transition back to college has definitely been hard, but I think I'm finally making it.  I feel so much more connected and real and alive.  Today when I was walking back from the gym in the most fantastic sunshine I've ever seen, I thought: I might actually be happy right now.

My classes are amazing.  I love them all.  I'm so thrilled to be back in an academic setting, to be engaged and stimulated and excited.  Every morning, I am genuinely happy to get out of bed and start my day.  I will never take this feeling for granted again.

That's not to say everything has been perfect.  I spent much of last weekend feeling hugely insecure and fat and gross and lonely.  What if no one even remembered me?  What if everyone hated me for disappearing last semester without warning?  How would I explain myself?  Pushing myself to reach out to my old friends and initiate social contact involved a lot of freaking out and anxiety and omgwhatifIhavenofriends? But then, you know what?  I just did it.  And it has been so worth it.  On Friday night, one of my best friends since freshman year gave me a huge hug and said, "Kaylee, I'm so happy you're back!"  I wish I could express to her how freaking amazing that made me feel.

Eating has been so-so.  Honestly, I'm really busy, and food isn't on my mind 24/7 anymore.  It just isn't.  I'm not trying to lose weight, but I'm not really trying to not lose weight either, if that makes sense.  I'm finding myself eating less by accident, realizing it after the fact, but then still lacking the healthy perspective to add a snack and make up the difference.  Part of me is screaming I'm fine!  I ate less yesterday and I was fine!  I don't NEED all that food.  It's also hard to put my calories in context, because I've been working out much less here than I did all spring and summer at home, but now I am walking constantly, climbing stairs, and lugging a backpack full of books all over campus.  So, do I need more or less food?  The same?  Different food?  The thought of trying to quantify calories in/out makes my head spin.  I find myself cutting corners here and there, just to "be safe."

The results: I'm down a couple of pounds, totally unintentionally, but I can't say I'm upset about it.  This worries me a bit, but my weight really isn't forefront in my mind at the moment.  I just feel like...I don't know, like I can't be bothered.  I'm not actively trying to eat less, but I find that to be my default setting and I'm getting lazy about challenging it.

This isn't a very cohesive or exciting update, but I've got lots of reading to do and a paper (already!) to write.  Have I mentioned that I LOVE being back at school?  I know the stress will hit soon, but for now I'm working to stay balanced, calm, and really make the most of getting another chance without running myself into the ground.  I've stayed out super late for three of the past four nights, so I'm aiming to make tonight an early one.

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE SCHOOL! I feel like I'm doing the same thing as you. My mind is now stimulated by school, not ED so therefore I am not as focused on recovery...more about enjoying what I've got. I am afraid if I focus on recovery/ED I wont be able to remember as much school stuff...still thinking about this one