Why is it that increasing my meal plan not only makes me feel worse about my weight - but it also makes me feel worse about my hair, my skin, my nails, my feet, my eyebrows, and my teeth? Why does everything suddenly feel so wrong?
I've really been making an effort to do better with eating this week, and as a reward my mind has decided to mutiny by throwing every terrible thought about myself front and center. Now I'm not just fat, but ugly in every way. I never had a problem with my teeth before, but now they're crooked and yellow and nasty. My hair is too frizzy and refuses to lie right. My eyes are a gross color.
This makes me sound like I'm appearance obsessed, which I'm not. I hate that these new anxieties about my body make me want to hide from the world. For the most part I couldn't care less about fashion, but it still takes me forever to get dressed in the morning because everything I put on looks wrong. I worry that everyone will be disgusted by the zit on my cheek, and I would rather walk around wearing a ski mask than subject the world to that ickiness.
I wouldn't judge someone else for having flaws, but with myself everything seems so much worse.
Tomorrow I'm seeing R and J again. I'm super nervous about getting weighed, even though I weigh myself every day anyway. What is it about these Official Weigh-Ins that freaks me out so much? I usually have a general idea about what the scale will say before I even step on. I know weight fluctuates, but I still get hung up on minute changes. So I don't want to gain weight tomorrow because it will confirm that all the yucky pudginess I feel in my body is real.
But if I lose weight, I'll be disappointed in myself. R will be disappointed. He will probably give me a Very Serious Talk about motivation and goals and follow-through. The eating disordered part of me, though, will be ecstatic. And that's still a big part of me.
I don't want to end on that terrible note. Some good things:
- My exam today was easy. Whew!
- The weather was perfect - sunny, breezy, perfect temperature.
- My dad sent me a sweet e-mail last night that nearly made me cry (in a good way!).
- I have all my limbs, my eyesight, my hearing, and my mind.