So sorry for the lack of updates. There's not much going on beyond what I've already talked about. I'm hanging in there with eating, trying to stay on track as much as possible. I think my weight is pretty stable but I haven't really been keeping close tabs on it. You would think this is a good sign - that I'm less obsessive about weighing myself at EXACTLY the same time every morning like I usually do - but I historically get less rigid about the weighing ritual as my eating deteriorates. When the anorexia was at its worst last year, I barely ever weighed myself, even though we had a scale sitting right there in the bathroom. I was vaguely aware of my weight, as in I would hop on the scale every once in a while and register the number with a brief huh, that's lower than last time, and go on with my day. It's sort of similar now, except that my eating is way better than it was then and I'm still as nervous as ever for my weekly weigh-in with R. So, I'm not sure what to make of that observation.
In other news, I'm having a really good time with my friends and getting wrapped up in classes and schoolwork again. For the sake of my sanity, I HAVE to stay fairly busy, but it's a fine line between healthy-productive-busy and stressful-panic-self-destructing-busy. Lately I've been toeing that line, trying to figure out exactly where it lies. Schoolwork is starting to pick up, as are various club/research/work activities, and I'm trying to resist the urge to take on a million projects and throw myself into everything headfirst without first consulting my responsible, moderate, reasonable side.
I really hope my last post didn't come across as all doom and gloom, because I really am happy to be here and trying so hard to make it work. I don't think I was ever under any illusions that this would be easy, but the reality of it has still taken some getting used to.
Things I'm happy about:
1) My wonderful, compassionate, brilliant, endlessly supportive and understanding roommate.
2) My mom. We've been talking on the phone almost every day. I know she's super worried about me, and she is doing an amazing job of being available without prying.
3) Therapy. I really like R a lot, and I'm almost looking forward to seeing him this week. I feel like he is very purposeful during our sessions and sets a clear agenda and goal, whereas my old therapist W just sort of asked questions and listened to me ramble before moving on. So I'm thinking R is definitely an improvement and I could make some real progress with him. If only I didn't have to get weighed.
4) The delicious sushi I just ate for dinner. I was feeling fat and gross and really wasn't up to facing a restaurant, but my friends wanted to go and we ended up having a great time. Why don't I learn from these experiences?
Things I'm worried/stressed about
1) Schoolwork, exams, too much reading, blah blah blah.
2) The paper-thin walls of my apartment. Seriously, I can hear my neighbor snoring from the next unit.
3) Therapy. Like I said, I really like R a lot, but I HATE getting weighed. Last time he gave me to option of having blind weights, which I'm still undecided on. I have my own scale so I could theoretically check my weight anytime I wanted, but maybe having the blind weights with R will reduce some anxiety about my appointments so I can focus on the therapy part and not the weighing part.
4) Not having time to get to a grocery store. My food supply is majorly depleted. There are places on campus where I could eat, but not everything is Kaylee-friendly.
I think that's all for now!