Monday, June 27, 2011

Post mini-vacation high

I'm back home after back-to-back flight nightmares and a hellishly boring day at work, but somehow I am still in a good mood.  I don't think I've remained consistently happy for this many days (about three) in a row since...probably last summer?

My weekend was fabulous.  Exactly what I needed.  My friend was the perfect combination of supportive, distracting, and ego-boosting to make me feel NOT worthless and fat.  She also helped with some of my anxieties about school in the fall - namely, that everyone will gawk at how fat I've gotten and hate me forever.

In terms of food, I actually think I did fantastic - if I do say so myself.  K's family is pretty health conscious, but relaxed about it.  They basically eat anything (meaning meat, dessert, fruits/veggies, butter, oil, starches, etc.), but mostly just a lot of wholesome, real, home-cooked food.  We had all of our meals at home, and I definitely ate more liberally at meals than I ever do at home (although I skipped all of my usual snacks...but I do think I made up for it at meals).  Part of it was definitely not wanting to look like the weird anorexic friend who doesn't eat, especially since K and her parents are all aware of my eating disorder.  But part of it was also just me letting go, eating what looked good, and listening to my body more than I have in a long, long time.

It was also the first time in years that I haven't counted calories.  (Another confession: my nutritionist thinks I stopped counting calories weeks ago, but I haven't.  I can't.  I literally cannot NOT matter what, I automatically add everything up in my head and I have no idea how to not do that.  It is as instinctual as breathing.  This is one issue that I KNOW contributes to my disordered thinking and makes me hugely obsessive, but I haven't even really attempted to address it simply because I have no freaking clue how.)

Anyway, I had no way to determine the calories in the foods K's mom prepared.  I also didn't have to judge portion sizes because she always put everything on my plate for me.  Basically, I had zero control over the food and I totally went with it.  I even had dessert twice. Go me.

Now before you think I've fully recovered and mastered intuitive eating in 2 days, I have to admit that I have completely reverted to my usual rigid habits without missing a beat since being home.  It wasn't out of guilty urge to compensate for gorging over the weekend; I didn't overeat at K's house, and my weight has actually inched down since I last weighed myself on Friday before my trip.  I have just slipped back into my typical eating/running routines because that's what I do.  I wouldn't have expected things to go any other way.

But this happiness thing is still lingering.  I didn't even have an internal meltdown when BOTH of my flights got delayed and I didn't get home until midnight.  Maybe my body is still soaking up all that wholesome, K-approved comfort food.  Either way, I feel good and I'm hanging onto it.

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