Thursday, June 23, 2011

My Life is This

My life is this: I wake up in my childhood bedroom after (not) sleeping all night.  Wait until I hear my mom leave for work, go downstairs, gulp a cup of coffee, and head out for a run.  Sweat a lot.  Shower, dress, breakfast, jump in the car and speed to work.  I'm still always late.  It was more important to fit the run in.  Not that anyone cares when I show up - I am interning at a nonprofit that clearly has no clue what to do with interns.  So, I sit in my windowless cubicle and stare at my computer screen and debate whether or not to eat my snack.  Then lunch.  Then snack.

I make approximately six trips to the bathroom - partly because I have a freakishly small bladder, partly because I also make six trips to the water fountain, and partly because I can't sit still in my chair for more than twenty minutes at a time.

By four p.m. I'm so bored I want to rip my hair out.  Thirty minutes to go.  At four-thirty on the dot, I bolt.  Speed home, change, head to the gym.  Pound the treadmill, bike, sweat, another quick shower at home, dinner, collapse.  Snap at my mother.  Debate snack.  Eat it.  Collapse.

No, I am not supposed to be working out twice a day, but it is one of the unexpected snags that has cropped up in my recovery.  I've always been active - I played pretty much every sport at some point growing up, and got really into cross country and track during high school.  Since then, I have been a self-proclaimed Runner with a capital R.  I had to stop in December because my doctor scared me about my heart and my bones.  I've only just recently taken it up again (with permission!) in the past couple of months and I'm already hooked.  Totally addicted. I am definitely seeing how it can become a trigger for me, as I think a lot of people with EDs find.

So, the solution would be to stop, right?  Or at least come clean to my parents or my treatment team about how much exercise I'm doing, before it starts eating away at my mind again?  Ha.  Even though I know that I should be easing into exercise, it has been hard to rationalize that when I feel the need to "make up" for the past few months.  (Note: I KNOW this is irrational and disordered and completely unhealthy.  I am not advocating this type of thinking or behavior.  I really wish that I had been able to follow my nutritionist's advice on exercise because I do feel trapped in my routines now and it is definitely a setback I did not anticipate.)

Also, it is hard to justify cutting back the exercise when I am eating plenty and basically maintaining an okay weight.  I am JUST weight-restored...sort of.  Technically, according to my nutritionist, I am still a few pounds below "healthy" BUT I am in my range (albeit scraping the bottom, apparently, and bouncing in and out from week to week) and for now, that's good enough for me.  So it is really hard to convince myself that if I suddenly cut out the running, my weight wouldn't shoot up.

So this is my summer - okay food and weight, sucky job, insane running that keeps me sane - but there's still a whole lot of summer left to go.


  1. Hey, Kaylee! I really liked reading your blog so far (I will read from now on!) I really do suggest that you come clean about this to your treatment team. You are in a stage of life where you're focused on intensive recovery---you're definitely allowed to make mistakes, but this period of your life is supposed to be setting you up to move on stronger and better able to control those ED thoughts and urges so that you can pursue your real interests and dreams. If you don't come clean about how and what you're really doing, you will probably stay "stuck" here like you suspect and miss out on some of the freedom that you can find in recovery. I only exercise 3-4 times per week and actually enjoy my workouts rather than feeling forced into them--and I maintain my weight fine! I imagine this same freedom is possible for you. Just think about it.

    Have a great 4th!!!

  2. Sarah - Thanks so much for reading! I really appreciate your advice. I know that my habits are definitely keeping my mind in a not so healthy place and that now is the time to make real changes, but of course that's easier said than done. It is inspiring to know that you are able to have a healthy relationship with food and exercise - hearing those kinds of stories makes me so much more motivated to stick with it and give recovery a chance.