Eating Disorders Awareness

Eek, didn't realize it was Eating Disorders Awareness Week. At least until I went on Facebook for the first time in a while last night and saw the 5 million posts about it.... At least it's already Friday, I guess. It's not that I have anything against NEDAW per se. I think awareness is a good thing, and I think that society in general has gotten better about covering the vast range of non-stereotypical eating disorders (a.k.a. acknowledging that there is more to eating disorders than 14-year-old white girls with anorexia) .

Thus I think all the attention given to eating disorders during this time of year is largely well-intentioned. BUT personally, I am so fucking sick of eating disorders that getting bombarded with headlines about rising rates and mortality statistics and EDs in boys and EDs in older women and EDs in minorities and binge-eating-counts and what-are-the-warning-signs etc. etc. etc. is kind of torturous. Plus, the week tends to morph into more of a love-your-body fest, at least on a college campus (which is where I've spent the last five years) than anything else.

I don't mean to bash the week; I think it's a good thing and I hope it continues. In fact, I hope that the attention eventually expands beyond just one week in February, since I think the whole "awareness week" thing has the tendency to sensationalize things a bit. Maybe not intentionally, but still. And too be honest, I don't know that we need to raise awareness of eating disorders very much; you'd kind of have to be a neanderthal not to know what they are or that they exist, but we do still very much need awareness about the nature of the illnesses—Axis I disorders on par with major depressive disorder and schizophrenia. Eating disorders are still portrayed as kind of romanticized and trendy, and I would like that to change.

And in the meantime, I kind of wish I could plug my ears with ED-info-blocking plugs until the week is over. I am finally in a place where I don't think about my anorexia every second of the day, and what do ya know, it's kind of nice.

Crummy Weather and a Post-Therapy Recap

Noooo!! It was SO warm and beautiful last week but now it's back to being frigid and I am REALLY NOT INTO THIS. I had just started being able to run outside again and I discovered a beautiful new trail in the park over the weekend, but of course now it's back to the icky smelly gym.

Boo

I had therapy this morning and was reminded that (1) Yes I still need to be in therapy and (2) Yes I still need to be taking my drugs. I also probably need to be getting more sleep, but that's a separate issue. For a while at the end of last year I was starting to feel like therapy was kind of useless because things were going so well, but I suppose I got cocky. Kind of nice to know I have that safety net in place, but also scary to realize that I'm still not "normal"...

Dr. P and I talked a little about food and weight stuff because I had been starting to freak out about it a little last week, but we came to the conclusion that it was more of a case of general Anxiety About Everything as opposed to a full-on anorexia resurgence. Because when I get anxious, the things I get anxious about are pretty predictable: (1) my weight, (2) my health, (3) my future (personal, professional, etc.), and (4) my weight again. As you can see, approximately 50 percent of all worries that cross my mind have to do with those STUPID little red numbers on the scale, but it really does seem that the longer I've spent at this healthy, solid weight (it's been several months) and the longer I've been eating a healthy, solid number of calories, the less my weight seems to matter and preoccupy me. But apparently when I'm stressed, those preoccupations seem to flare up, like an old nagging injury that never fully healed.

Given that I am perpetually stressed out, then, Dr. P is still set on me cutting down on my work hours in an effort to free up my schedule a bit. I have hours scheduled for the next two weeks, but after that I have committed to taking a week off from my job and seeing how I do. In the meantime, she wants me to try valerian root for sleep (any thoughts?) and mindfulness exercises  (NICE TRY DR. P!). I know mindfulness is like this magical thing, I KNOW, but I seriously just don't have the patience for it, sorry. My old therapist Dr. R once tried to make me do deep breathing exercises and I just kind of giggled and snorted through the whole thing and then he gave up.

Still beyond relieved that this AWFUL AWFUL test is over.

LET THEM BURN

Okey doke, peace out everyone.

Self-Efficacy and Medication

Things are feeling a little better. I guess I didn't realize how insanely stressed out I was last week, but getting to the end of it took a huge load off. Aside from the GRE, I had two interviews, two papers due, and a quiz. So once I got through it all, I just sort of fell apart emotionally. Although I'm feeling much more stable now, it still scares me how easily the depression and anxiety started to creep back in.

I think I need to do some serious thinking about how to make my mental health a priority. In one of my classes, we are learning about the idea of "self-efficacy" in promoting behavior changes. Put simply, self-efficacy means you believe in your ability to do something. If you don't have self-efficacy, it doesn't really matter whether you can actually do something or not, because you probably won't even give it a shot. If you don't think there's a remote possibility that you can quit smoking or can run a mile or can recover from your eating disorder, then you aren't likely to try. And in my case, I've decided that I have extremely low self-efficacy with regards to my mental health. I don't ever feel like I have any control over how I feel, but rather that my moods are solely a result of the circumstances. That's why I was so depressed last year; I felt that my depression was a direct result of my physical pain, so there was no point in trying to change my outlook. And then, alternately, starting in the fall I believed that my happiness was a direct result of not being in pain, so I never bothered to take precautions against future depression. All I could do was cross my fingers and hope the pain stayed away so that the depression would too.

But obviously that's not true. There is a lot that I can do to take care of my super duper fragile brain, which serves me pretty well in terms of schoolwork and test-taking and keeping my heart beating and blood flowing and all that, but NOT so well in terms of being normal and thinking positive and seeing the bright side of things and not catastrophizing about things that will likely never happen. The key is to remember that there is a lot that I can do, and that it's important to do them even when I feel fine instead of waiting until the bottom drops out. I can make sure to feed myself appropriately, get enough sleep, talk with Dr. P and my mom and my friends about stuff, and not let myself get as stressed out and overwhelmed as I have been.

And maybe most important at this point, I can TAKE MY GODDAMN MEDICATION. I've actually been better about it the past few days because feeling so low again scared me into compliance. I'm not ever opposed to taking it, but periodically I decide that I don't want to and maybe I'll see how long I can go skipping it. Like, what do I expect to happen?? Couldn't tell you. Anyway, I'm back on the drug bandwagon for now.

So, I guess here's to self-efficacy and my drugs and taking better care of my brain.

Change in the Air

Something has shifted over the past couple of days. I don't know what it is, or why, but suddenly I'm anxious and edgy and scared. And I'm not really depressed, but after months of not even remembering what depression felt like, suddenly now I do. I can remember what it felt like, and I can imagine it happening again.

Obviously I'm over-scheduled and stressed out, but it feels like more than that. It suddenly feels like something is missing again, or something isn't right, or, I don't even know. I'm not articulating this well. It feels like that general sense of peace and contentedness and okay-ness that I've had since about October or November is just gone. And that scares me so much, I can't even express it. I am so fucking scared that this brief happy period was just a honeymoon and that things are about to go to shit again.

Nothing really concrete has happened, but suddenly I'm freaked out about my weight, and I'm convinced that the nerve pain is coming back, and jesus now all of a sudden I'm crying as I type this, and now this is the second time I've cried in a week after going literally months without shedding a tear. I should be on Cloud 9—I took the GRE this morning and did way better than I expected, and then I went straight to an Important Interview and got offered a position for my next internship (starting in the fall) at a place that I really wanted. But for some reason now I'm back home and nothing feels right and I'm crying.

Maybe it's my period, or the change in weather, or the fact that I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a week, or the fact that despite all my grand plans I still can't manage to take my medication regularly.

Sorry for this. Hopefully some dinner and sleep with help.

Cleaning Up My Diet

Just as a heads up, I am going to talk quite a bit about specific foods and eating habits in this post, so if you think that might be triggering for you then you might want to skip this one.

I almost feel like this is a taboo topic for a (formerly?) anorexic blogger, but lately I've been thinking about how I should probably start eating healthier. Not "go on a diet" healthier, but the basic "more fruits and veggies, greater variety, and fewer salty snacks" type of healthier. Basically I've slipped into this rut of eating the same carby/snacky things all the time while my fruit/veggie and meat/protein intake has declined.

I assume that it is news to approximately none of you that my diet has very little variety. This is a product both of the eating disorder and of a general laziness/lack of interest in food or cooking. I still have anxieties and hang-ups about food, so it's easier to eat the same thing day after day and not think about it. Plus, cooking is not fun to me. I have zero interest in it whatsoever. It is not a creative activity for me; it's a chore.

Not my thing.

At the same time, I have been sloooowwwly increasing my intake over the last year or so. I have gone from semi-restricting (not full-on, but certainly not enough) to eating a normal, healthy number of calories. The lack of variety, though, means that this increase has essentially come through eating more of the same things: more plain chicken, more peanut butter, more cereal, more bread, more Clif bars, etc. I haven't really expanded my horizons in any significant ways; e.g. exploring new cuisines or food groups. The list of foods that I Do Not Eat is still a mile long: ice cream, white bread, most cheeses, pasta, candy, pastries, rice, beans, white potatoes, cous cous....obviously, I could go on. There are many many others that are "allowed" in theory, but that I don't ever actually eat either because of a million other logistical reasons: I don't know how to prepare them, they're expensive, they don't fit into my "routine" calorie-wise etc. etc. etc. Plus the fact that I am beyond busy and don't particularly want to spend my precious free time thinking about or preparing food.

So now that I've inundated you with excuses...here is the result of the above trends: over the last several months, I've noticed that I eat a super carb-heavy diet. My go-to snacks and lunches are generally some combination of toast with peanut, bagels with peanut butter, bananas with peanut butter (are you sensing a pattern?), pretzels, crackers, and Clif/Luna bars. On the nights when I get home late, I usually have something like a peanut butter sandwich or oatmeal for dinner because I don't feel like cooking a "real" dinner (with meat and vegetables and stuff). And dinner is pretty much the only time I eat vegetables (other than sometimes snacking on baby carrots during the day), so cutting out a "real" dinner means that I get no vegetables at all.

source

Additionally, I still tend to semi-restrict early on and eat the bulk of my calories later in the day. This means that by the time I get home at night, I am STARVING and hit the pretzels, carrots, etc. mindlessly. It's not at all that I overeat; just that I substitute that mindless, starvation-induced snacking instead of preparing a full, wholesome meal. And if I get to the end of the night and realize that I'm way short on calories, the way that I make it up (or at least come close) is through a bowl of oatmeal with - depending on how many calories I need - a tablespoon or so of peanut butter mixed in.

I am having this weird conflicted sense of pride for letting go of some of my compulsions (e.g. a year or two ago, I NEVER would have eaten a handful of pretzels without counting them out first and beating myself up afterwards) but also worried that I'm not fueling myself properly. This time it really is a question of food quality more so than quantity. Peanut butter is a gift from the heavens, don't get me wrong, but it certainly doesn't contain all the nutrients one would hope to get in a well-balanced diet.

I buy mine 40 oz at a time

In conclusion, my diet contains a ton of carbs and peanut but not many fruits and vegetables. I've also gotten into this unintentional habit of eating very little meat; sometimes I go several days to a week without any. It's not planned, and I have no intentions of being a vegetarian; I like meat and would like to eat more of it, but somehow it's fallen through the cracks.

So I guess my goals are as follows: (1) Re-balance my calories a little better throughout the day so that I am not blind with hunger by the time I get home and can't make healthy, rational choices. (2) Incorporate fruits and vegetables throughout the day, not just at dinner. (3) Find protein sources other than peanut butter.

Any other thoughts? I know I've written about the variety issue before, so I apologize if this was kind of repetitive; just needed to walk myself through it.

Rambly Ramblings

Hi all—hope it's been a stupendous weekend all around. I am still working on the best way to rearrange my schedule to keep things sane, but no matter what happens, I really need to be better abut managing my anxiety and keeping my life under control. I've really neglected the little stuff, like cooking dinner every night, getting to bed by midnight, reading in the mornings, and writing in my journal. It seems like I spend more and more time on my computer sending e-mails, poring over data, or working on school stuff. And then when I'm not on the computer, I'm on my phone texting, e-mailing, and checking the news. Sometimes all the tech time feels like living in some sort of alternate reality. But it also feels like if I don't keep up with things as they come, I'll just fall more and more behind.

source

On the positive side of things, I am nowhere near restricting or anything and my mood is still relatively stable and good. I get frustrated and exhausted and irritable at the end of a long shift or day, but seem to bounce back pretty quickly. In general I feel normal and resilient. And like myself, which is weird, because I really wasn't feeling like myself for a long time last year; I was this empty, sad shell who had no interest in anything because nothing felt worth it. Now, it's like I want to do so much that I can't fit it all in. Stressful, yes, but also more in line with my natural personality.

I had a pretty lame weekend in that I didn't really do anything fun, but I was super productive both yesterday and today, so I'm feeling pretty accomplished about all the work I got done. I just got off the phone with my dad, who is helping me do my taxes. Turns out I'm even poorer than I thought! But at least I should get a big fat refund check.

Also helps that the weather has started to warm up a tiny bit in College City. I mean, it's no Sochi or anything, but at least it's not completely arctic anymore. Speaking of, anyone else watching the Olympics? I've been totally into the snow sports—skiing and snowboarding—mostly, with a little speed skating but watching those races just makes me claustrophobic. You would think they'd make the track a little bigger, given how fast they're moving. But anyway. One thing I will never watch is curling. I just don't get it.

USA USA USA

Sooo, I've got a men's super G to watch. Happy Sunday, everyone. Be healthy and safe and warm!

Considering Adjustments

Feeling a little calmer, a little less out of control, a little less desperate, than earlier this week. I saw my beautiful, wise, sweet Dr. P on Wednesday, and we spent some time mapping out my schedule to get a better idea of the situation. This shouldn't have been a surprise to me, but it kind of was: turns out I've been working over 30 hours between my two jobs, spending 12 hours in clinic, and taking five classes. Plus studying for the GRE, plus tutoring, plus working in a food bank. And while I like staying busy and having lots of responsibilities, apparently I've reached my breaking point.

I don't mean breaking point in a scary way like with restricting and overexercising and out-of-control anxiety, but in a way that has me skipping snacks here and there, not sleeping well, and periodically on the verge of tears. I feel distracted, antsy, nervous, and irritable—and I hate that, because things had been going so well for a while. But I'm on top of it, and still feel pretty centered and normal and okay. I'm not at all depressed; just stressed.

And I'm willing to make some adjustments, but am struggling a little to decide where to cut back. Dr. P is really encouraging me to quit one of my jobs, which probably makes the most sense, but the lost wages will be really hard to swallow. "Hard" as in: I would probably have to either (A) take out more loans, or (B) ask my parents for help—both of which are REALLY unappealing options to me. My parents would help me in a heartbeat, I know, but I hate asking if I can avoid it. And I would like my dad to be able to retire sometime in the next few decades.

So the other option would be to cut way down on my hours, but that doesn't totally eradicate the money issue either. At least that way, though, I would always have the option to increase my hours whenever possible and maintain connections with my boss, colleagues etc.

Still mulling it over, I guess. One bright spot is that this time next week, the GRE will be over. And although I'm not really expecting to pull a mind-blowing score given how my studying has been going, I'll just be glad to get it out of the way. It is actually really frustrating because for some reason I am finding the GRE (especially the verbal sections) to be unexpectedly impenetrable. No idea why; I am very much a verbal person, and I got a high score on my SAT six years ago without cracking a book. So the whole thing is driving me nuts and I want it DONE.

And then there's the part of me that is considering dropping out of school completely and finding a real job with, like, a salary and benefits and work that actually ends at 5pm.

Underestimating the Strain

Apparently all the craziness has gotten to me more than I realized, because I just burst into tears at work for no apparent reason other than that I was tired. Guess I've gotta rethink this insane schedule....

Weekend Stressors

Feels like I oughta get all my posting in over the weekend because once Monday hits, it's like hopping on a treadmill set just a notch or two over my comfort speed.

Update on the guy situation: we had plans to get coffee Friday evening. On Thursday night, he texted me asking if I wanted to make it dinner instead, to which I stuck to my guns and said NO. Not only because of him and that whole situation, but because it had been a LONG week and I was tired and stressed and did not want to deal with a dinner out. So I lied and told him that I already had dinner plans. I was supposed to get off work at five and meet him at five-thirty, but of course I got held up and didn't end up leaving the clinic until almost six, and didn't have a chance to get my phone and update him. I called him when I was finally leaving, and we vaguely agreed to reschedule. And then I just ended up feeling guilty again.

Overall the weekend was okay—a little fuller than I would have liked, but still okay. I really try to keep my weekend days as open and stress-free as possible, since I have no time to myself during the week and really rely on the weekends to recharge and catch up on schoolwork, cleaning, laundry, errands, etc. Unfortunately I slept really poorly on Friday night and woke up the next morning feeling really crummy. Then I had to rush to get my car to the garage because my brakes have been having issues AGAIN. This wasn't a huge deal in itself, but it required me to trek back and forth between there and my apartment after dropping it off and then to pick it up (just under two miles one way). And then because I am anal and won't adjust my workout schedule for nothin', I stopped off at the gym and pounded out X miles on the treadmill in between these two treks. So overall I just ended up getting really tired and worn down.

THEN one of my friends ended up inviting me to a bar/restaurant and a movie, so I went out even though I wasn't totally up for it. Obviously I had a good time and am glad I went, but it just added to the overall exhausting nature of the day. And I hate that this is still an issue, but I skipped a snack in anticipation of the meal out and ended up starving, weak, and cranky by the time I got there.

Today was better, although I found myself wide awake at about 5am and couldn't get back to sleep, so I just got up and went to the gym. After I got home, ate, and showered, I discovered that the water supply to my washing machine was frozen (second time in a month) so I couldn't do laundry. I AM WOEFULLY SHORT ON CLEAN CLOTHES. Then I spent a few hours on campus doing work before getting coffee with a friend, which was nice. Afterwards I came home, worked some more, made dinner, watched the Olympics while I ate, panicked a little about what I should work on next, decided to work on a GRE practice set which did nothing for my self-confidence, and now I'm considering running away to a tropical island for a few weeks.

I'm mostly fine, just tired. I need to start saying no to things. I need to stop worrying about other people's feelings at the expense of my own. I need to figure out a way to study for the GRE that makes my practice test scores go up instead of down, which seems to be the trend lately. I need to get some SLEEP, and I need to do better at fueling myself for the insane, never-ending treadmill run that my life has become.

Boy Problemz

As promised:

There are actually two separate guys that I am having issues with, but the situation is too complicated to explain both, so I'll with the tougher case for now: Boy A is a PhD student who I've become really good friends with since we met about a year ago, but it's gotten to the point where he is clearly wanting MUCH more from the relationship than I do, and I have no idea how to handle it. We used to get coffee about two or three times a month, and just chat for an hour or so. But then it started turning into dinners, and movies, and random outings (he's the one who took me skiing a couple weeks ago) and he always pays. Like, doesn't even give me the option, no matter the cost, and lately it's been getting more and more insane. Like skiing, for example: he bought my ticket and paid for my equipment rentals, which came out to over $100. For my birthday, he bought me a $50 gift certificate for a massage. No matter how much I protest or reason with him, he refuses to ever split the check. I've told him over and over again that it doesn't feel right for me to let him pay, it isn't fair because I know he's on a budget, and that I am HAPPY to pay for myself, he doesn't listen. So it's gotten to the point where I find myself just turning down invitations because I don't want to face the issue anymore.

I think he's in love but doesn't quite know how to express it. Maybe it's a cultural thing? He's Asian, and much more reserved than most American guys I know. He's never made a move or anything like that, but I do get the sense that I am a big part of his social life. There was this happy hour event thing at school earlier in the semester, and when I saw that it was going to be in the building right next to his office, I texted him to ask if he would be there. He said to let him know when I arrived. When I did, and he showed up, I realized that he had only come to see me, but I was already chatting with people from my own program and didn't really get to spend much time with him. Eventually he must have left, although I didn't notice. Afterwards I stopped for a drink with some friends and must not have checked my phone the whole time. When I got home later, I saw that B had texted me a couple hours earlier asking if I wanted to get dinner with him after the happy hour. I texted back apologizing, telling him that I hadn't seen the text in time. He responded: "That's okay. I haven't eaten yet if you still want to go."

So that was when I realized that he had been waiting for me all night. And naturally, I felt awful and sad and depressed for him because I'm really not interested in dating him, like, at all. He's a perfectly lovely person, but the spark isn't there. Nor do I have the time or emotional energy right now to pursue a relationship that doesn't feel right.

And to be honest, I am starting to get frustrated with how much of my time he is taking up. Pretty much every week he wants to try some new restaurant (OBVIOUS ED STRESS) or go on some outing that, frankly, I have no time for. And I find myself feeling the need to save my free nights for him because I feel bad turning him down—to the point where it feels like I'm neglecting other relationships. So essentially, it's like the time-suck of having a boyfriend without actually having a boyfriend.

Plus, he's several years older than me (I'm 23 and he's 30), so I get the feeling he is really looking for a serious relationship, and I am not. Then I end up feeling guilty about it, because I don't want him to be wasting his time on me, but I also don't know how to officially turn him down when he's never tried to kiss me or make it official or anything like that. My mom and my best friend have both told me to have an honest talk with him, but it just seems so hard and awkward. I don't want to hurt him, but I also really need to look out for myself right now too, and at this point the situation is all stress and no fun. Ugh, I hate this.

Gym Etiquette Fail

Okay, so I will take full responsibility for being irrational and competitive with this girl last time, but this morning it was NOT MY FAULT. The gym was pretty empty when I got there, and I had the entire row of treadmills to myself. Peaceful, right? Well, no. About five minutes into my run, Gym Girl pops up and gets on the treadmill right next to mine. I kid you not—we were the only two people using the treadmills. There were at least 10 other free machines, and she picked the one right next to me. THAT IS AGAINST THE UNWRITTEN GYM RULES.

LITERALLY THIS WAS THE SITUATION

And I tried really hard to ignore her and, like, stay within myself and be calm and zen and all that, but she was making me SO self-conscious. So naturally I had to run harder/fast/longer than her! It was out of my control!! I won.

Yet another reason why winter sucks. As long as it's too cold and snowy to run outside, I'm stuck battling this girl and her personal space violation issues.

Unexpected Mini Vacation

I'm curled up in my comfy chair in sweatpants, fuzzy socks, and a thick sweater, drinking coffee, munching on pretzels, and enjoying an unexpected afternoon off. Originally, I'd had stuff scheduled back-to-back and would have been racing back and forth between my school's two major campuses al afternoon...but the forecast was predicting ice and snow, so I ended up getting out of work and as a result, found myself with an extra few hours of free time. Since I usually don't get home until 8 or 9pm exhausted and starving, vegging out at 4 on a Tuesday feels a little like heaven. Even better, one of my meetings tomorrow afternoon got cancelled so I have a full THREE hours free. What to do, what to do....

I am starting to get a little more into the swing of things at clinic, although it never ceases to amaze me how rough some people have it. Try (1) being addicted to painkillers (2) having asthma and COPD (3) having a bum leg from your dad beating you as a kid (4) being clinically depressed, and (5) being 100 pounds overweight. And yeah, that was just ONE patient I saw last week. Naturally she did was also unemployed, uninsured, and at her wit's end. The next patient was an alcoholic who is battling her ex, who somehow has custody of their son despite having spent five years in jail for beating the mom, being a registered sex offender, and prohibiting the son from going to school. HOW THE HECK DOES THAT WORK? I still tend to leave my shifts there feeling a little shell-shocked.

On the other hand, I'm doing well in my classes and enjoy getting to see my friends on campus again. I hung out with this guy yesterday who I have a little crush on so that was kind of sweet. And actually I'm going to need some serious Girl Talk soon because I have some boy issuez and they're stressing me out. I mean, not in a terrible way, just that I know I'm going to hurt someone's feelings and it sucks.

Anyway. That's another post. For now, I'm living up the grad school lyfe (it's similar to the thug lyfe, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept) with papers and reading and Excel sheets and all that jazz. I'm still pretty overwhelmed by my schedule, but really working to keep my sanity in order. For me, that means doing a few specific things:
—taking my medication DAILY
—eating a minimum of X,XXX calories per day, regardless of whether I exercise
—exercising some, but not too much
—drinking no more than 3 cups of coffee per day, and no caffeine after 4pm
—hanging out with friends 2-3 nights per week (no more, no less)
—getting to bed by midnight

It's all simple stuff, really, but these kinds of measures are always the first to go when I'm crunched for time/energy/brainspace/what-have-you. Goal of the semester is to still be as happy by the end as I am right now.

Have a great week everyone, love you all.

A Series of Stupid Decisions

Stupid Decision #1: Despite the fact that I have NO FREE TIME EVER and am TOTALLY OVERLOADED ON ALL FRONTS, for some reason I keep taking on more and more responsibilities. Some of them are awesome and exciting and completely worth it (my advisor wants me to present our paper at a poster seminar this semester!), but others are completely unnecessary and need to be delegated (I offered to drive 30 minutes to meet with someone about our group project between an another meeting and class next Wednesday; then I accepted a big project at work that will require extra hours and a quick turnaround) and now I'm stressed out all over again. STUPID. 

Stupid Decision #2: Despite the fact that I, you know, have an eating disorder and need to quit doing shit like this, I've been really bad about getting all my calories in this past week. Now I'm grumpy and have headaches all the time and can't sleep. STUPID. 

Stupid Decision #3: I am also being terrible about taking my medication. No real reason, except that periodically I go through these phases where I decide that I hate my medication and want to rebel and ditch it for a while. Plus I am embarrassed about going back to see my psychiatrist after the terrible place I was in last time, and skipping meds means that I can go longer before needing an appointment for more refills. My anxiety hasn't really been a problem yet, but I know that going off my meds abruptly is asking for trouble. STUPID.

Stupid Decision #4: This morning at the gym, I was on a treadmill next to this girl who I see there all the time. And being the obsessive, irrational, ultra-competitive person that I am, I decided to smoke her (NO I DON'T KNOW WHY). So even though I had planned on a short easy run, I jacked up the speed and pounded out X miles at a ridiculous pace for no reason other than to be a show-off. Now my hip, which had been essentially healed, hurts again. STUPID. 

There is probably a ton of other dumb stuff I've done recently too, but I think that's enough to share on the world wide web. You guys! Usually I'm smart! But sometimes my own stupidity astounds me.