Saturday, March 3, 2012

My Worst Side

Again, really sorry for my freaking out last night. And thanks for the kind words, it means so much to me. When I'm stressed/panicky/overwhelmed, I hold it in all day long, plaster on a happy face for my friends and professors and boss, and put all my energy into being great, thanks for asking! until I get home and crumble. There's no reason to think any of my friends would be anything less than sympathetic and supportive if I were to unload some of my problems onto them, but for some reason I just don't do it. It's like I have this stubborn mental block that won't let me be anything other than Miss Dependable and Efficient and Smiley in public. Unfortunately, that means Mama Bear and this blog take the brunt of my ranting and raving - sorry, raw deal, I know.

I hate gaining weight. I. Hate. It. I haven't even put on very much (in fact, my therapist R says I'm "basically maintaining") but I feel it everywhere. My jeans are tight. I can see my stomach through my shirt. I swear I'm getting a double chin. I feel fat and yucky all the damn time. This isn't a very original or interesting problem to have, but it is what it is. I'm Kaylee and I have anorexia and I'm afraid of getting fat. The end.

The other big thing is that I finally came off the meds that were making my eyes so horribly dry. (Recap: first I was on an SSRI for about a month, and then switched to an SNRI for about three weeks.) I tried to stick it out, but it was becoming pretty obvious that my eyes were not going to hold out. When I saw R this week, I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted off. Now. When I first brought up my eye issues to him a few weeks ago, I didn't get the impression that he was taking it very seriously, but this time he did. He helped me get in touch with my GP (who is affiliated with R's treatment center), who gave me the green light to quit taking the pills. I've been totally off for about 2-3 days now and...well, I thought I was on a low enough dose that withdrawal wouldn't be a problem, but oh boy was I wrong. I am so freaking dizzy and sick and disoriented. Yesterday and this morning, I was too nervous to drive because I didn't think I could see straight enough to stay on the road. I've been feeling a lot better in the last few hours, so hopefully the worst has passed.

Part of me is relieved to be off the medication, and part of me is terrified. As much as I was fundamentally opposed to being on an anti-depressant (for myself, not for people with depression in general. Yes, I'm a hypocrite), I have to begrudgingly admit that the med definitely helped with my anxiety, which has been massively reduced to normal, manageable levels over the past couple of months. I hate that I tried medication, it basically worked, and I still had to give it up because of a stupid side effect. It's obviously too soon to tell what will happen, but I'm praying that I go back to feeling like my real self, and not back to the insanely anxious, non-functional version of myself.

Other health stuff - I don't really wanna talk details on here, but I'm stressed. And frustrated. And scared.

And this is a stupid issue but it's bugging me a lot lately: I hate feeling needy. I hate feeling like I need to go to therapy, and then leaving my appointment feeling dissatisfied that R didn't work some psychiatric magic and make me all better. I hate calling my mom in tears because I don't know why I just had a shitty day and no I don't wanna talk about it. I hate not being able to care when my friend tells me about her day because my brain is too full of worrying and obsessing and counting, and I'm just too mentally exhausted to be anything other than completely narrow-minded and selfish.

I do not like who I've become, but I don't know how to be different.


  1. Wow do I sooooo remember being where you are now. You are describing my former self to my current self. I have some thoughts, but don't have time to type them right now... but I'll be back!

  2. Hang in there, girl. I'm rooting for you.

    And I *totally* get the medication thing. Small secret: I went off my meds three weeks ago - and for no good reason. They were perfectly effective with minimal side effects, I just hate the idea of ME being on medication. Anyone else with depression? Go for it! Me? God forbid.

    Incidentally, I totally get the weight gain thing too - and how even "maintenance" seems gross and disgusting and like you're living in an entirely new body.

    1. Yes! The meds totally freak me out - I hate hate hate having some foreign substance in my body, and I feel like it's ridiculous for me to even think about taking it. Plus I still don't always recognize my thoughts/fears/anxieties as irrational, so it doesn't seem possible that medicating myself will help to eradicate them. But regarding other people, I completely recognize that depression/anxiety etc. are brain chemistry disorders and require outside intervention.

  3. Hey there~

    i'm back! So, what I really just wanted to tell you was that I really relate to not liking who you have become with your eating disorder. Actually, realizing I had become a bad friend b/c I was too busy counting and re-counting and re-counting in my head was one of the things that got me to make my first stab at changing. That moment, mind you, was when I was 21. I'm now 27 and only recently started considering myself recovered.

    for a while, it feels like you're in a lose-lose situation. If you do the ED thing, you lose b/c you don't like who you've become. If you don't do the ED thing, you lose b/c you feel so out of control and horrible (and fat). I hate to tell you but that's just how it feels for a while.

    You mentioned that you don't know how to be different. Well, being different isn't some grand choice you'll make and then become. Rather, "being different" will happen in very miniscule moments of time, added up over time. As you go throughout your day, try to have an awareness of what is going on for you - and try to see yourself as the director of your own life through a series of little moments. In moments when you have a calm and a peace about you - and an awareness of what's going on with you - you can make a choice that is in line with the woman you want to become. A large part of how I recovered was by trying to honor the woman I wanted to become. It happens moment by moment, bite by bite, interaction by interaction, etc. If this was too vague, let me know and I'll try to give more details...

    1. No that makes so much sense, thanks for writing it out. It's definitely the little stuff that needs to happen - like accepting a lunch invite once a week or adding an extra half cup of cereal every morning - that will make the most effective differences over time, but those are also the hardest to implement. It feels like, why bother? I keep convincing myself that these minor changes won't matter that much in the long run, and they will just make me feel fat and uncomfortable in the meantime. (Wrong!) I still am having a hard time trusting that improved nutrition and weight gain will bring cognitive improvement as well. I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that any way you slice it, things will suck for a while - so why not try the right, healthy way rather than the sick, disordered way?

  4. Well, instead of trying to decide if minor choices matter or not... try to ask yourself, "What would the woman I want to be, the person I want to be... what would that person do?" And try not to let the answer come from your brain.. let it come from a deeper, intuitive, part of you - a small, whispering, guiding part of you... a part of you that doesn't need to rationalize or justify... a part of you that just KNOWS, deep down KNOWS what you should do. And let that part of you guide you... b/c that part of you IS THE PERSON YOU WANT to be... you know? That part of you might know that the woman you want to be would add the 1/2 cup. And, in the moment of going to add that 1/2 cup, just pretend you are that person for just a bit. Be proud of being the woman you want to add into this world. Let that strong woman take over the measuring cup for that moment. You don't need to be this person you want to be every moment... but just in the moments youc an. And let yourself be PROUD of the times when that amazing person is your guide....