Again, really sorry for my freaking out last night. And thanks for the kind words, it means so much to me. When I'm stressed/panicky/overwhelmed, I hold it in all day long, plaster on a happy face for my friends and professors and boss, and put all my energy into being great, thanks for asking! until I get home and crumble. There's no reason to think any of my friends would be anything less than sympathetic and supportive if I were to unload some of my problems onto them, but for some reason I just don't do it. It's like I have this stubborn mental block that won't let me be anything other than Miss Dependable and Efficient and Smiley in public. Unfortunately, that means Mama Bear and this blog take the brunt of my ranting and raving - sorry, raw deal, I know.
I hate gaining weight. I. Hate. It. I haven't even put on very much (in fact, my therapist R says I'm "basically maintaining") but I feel it everywhere. My jeans are tight. I can see my stomach through my shirt. I swear I'm getting a double chin. I feel fat and yucky all the damn time. This isn't a very original or interesting problem to have, but it is what it is. I'm Kaylee and I have anorexia and I'm afraid of getting fat. The end.
The other big thing is that I finally came off the meds that were making my eyes so horribly dry. (Recap: first I was on an SSRI for about a month, and then switched to an SNRI for about three weeks.) I tried to stick it out, but it was becoming pretty obvious that my eyes were not going to hold out. When I saw R this week, I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted off. Now. When I first brought up my eye issues to him a few weeks ago, I didn't get the impression that he was taking it very seriously, but this time he did. He helped me get in touch with my GP (who is affiliated with R's treatment center), who gave me the green light to quit taking the pills. I've been totally off for about 2-3 days now and...well, I thought I was on a low enough dose that withdrawal wouldn't be a problem, but oh boy was I wrong. I am so freaking dizzy and sick and disoriented. Yesterday and this morning, I was too nervous to drive because I didn't think I could see straight enough to stay on the road. I've been feeling a lot better in the last few hours, so hopefully the worst has passed.
Part of me is relieved to be off the medication, and part of me is terrified. As much as I was fundamentally opposed to being on an anti-depressant (for myself, not for people with depression in general. Yes, I'm a hypocrite), I have to begrudgingly admit that the med definitely helped with my anxiety, which has been massively reduced to normal, manageable levels over the past couple of months. I hate that I tried medication, it basically worked, and I still had to give it up because of a stupid side effect. It's obviously too soon to tell what will happen, but I'm praying that I go back to feeling like my real self, and not back to the insanely anxious, non-functional version of myself.
Other health stuff - I don't really wanna talk details on here, but I'm stressed. And frustrated. And scared.
And this is a stupid issue but it's bugging me a lot lately: I hate feeling needy. I hate feeling like I need to go to therapy, and then leaving my appointment feeling dissatisfied that R didn't work some psychiatric magic and make me all better. I hate calling my mom in tears because I don't know why I just had a shitty day and no I don't wanna talk about it. I hate not being able to care when my friend tells me about her day because my brain is too full of worrying and obsessing and counting, and I'm just too mentally exhausted to be anything other than completely narrow-minded and selfish.
I do not like who I've become, but I don't know how to be different.