Seesawing

First things first: I clearly have some of the best readers ever. Seriously, you guys are awesome. The comments, e-mails, texts etc. put me on Cloud 9. The fact that you don't even know me, but still take the time to reach out and give me a boost - just, wow. Can I pack you all up and move you to College City? The weather sucks but there're some good sights and almost always a Starbucks within walking distance. Then I can fire R and save some money? Please?

So to follow up on the most dysfunctional, irrational, emotionally unstable weekend of my life: I've randomly had a great couple of days since then. (Anyone sick of hearing about my erratic mood swings? Anyone? Anyone?) I can't even begin to comprehend, much less explain, why or how I can be sobbing uncontrollably for hours one day, only to transform into my usual chatty and cheerful self less than twelve hours later. Actually, it was less than that - on Monday morning, I called my mom in tears at 8am, cried on my drive to campus, got a grip in the bathroom before class started at 11, started crying in class (which was mortifying, although I don't think anyone actually noticed), decided that life was a giant ball of crap...and then somewhere at some indeterminate point in the afternoon, it passed. When I got out of my last class at 6, I was fine. Whereas in the morning, I had ducked into the bathroom immediately after class and camped out in the library during lunch because I didn't feel capable of interacting with anyone, by the evening I was totally up for chit-chat and spent a while hanging out with some friends on campus before heading home.

Nothing really happened to turn my mood around. Classes were the usual, food was the same, body image was still in the gutter , my weight still inexplicably up (butI'mtryingnottodwellandIdon'twannatalkaboutit). So there was nothing obviously fantastic that would account for the sudden emotional upswing. And trust me, my mood was shitty enough that it should have taken something pretty damn amazing to pull me out of it. Plus, I wasn't just feeling better in just a "doing okay, getting by" way; I was actually feeling engaged and excited and alive. Like, I was caring about stuff. (Yes, this change literally happened in the span of about six hours.) Not that I'm complaining about feeling great for no apparent reason, but the bad moods seem to crop up just as quickly and just as randomly. I can handle bad stuff happening when it happens, but I cannot handle feeling like crap for no reason. I don't get it, and I don't like it. It makes me feel helpless and stupid, like there's no reason for me to be struggling, so I better snap out of it pretty fast or else I'm a self-indulgent waste of humanity.

The good thing about being in a good mood (well, one good thing among many good things) is that I can think more clearly. I don't feel like I'm surviving hour by hour, just hanging on until the next crisis hits. I can actually think about and plan for the future. And that feels so good.

Fingers crossed my next post won't be documenting another meltdown. And thanks again for reading, you guys all rock.