Playing with Fire

Hey guys - I'm sitting here on a Saturday morning with not a whole lot of homework to do and a pretty open day I just gotta say, I'm so happy right now. I don't even know why, but I'm feeling super chilled out and at peace and just like, content.  All week, I kept waiting and waiting for this happiness to end and for me to lose my mind and go nuts again, but (knock on wood) that hasn't happened and I'm so, so grateful. At therapy yesterday, R asked me how things were going, like he always does, and for the first time since I started seeing him almost seven months ago, I was able to say "Great!" and really mean it. It was nice to show him a positive side of me. Usually, it feels like I spend the entire session whining and moaning about how hard my life is. I am really sensitive about coming across as mopey and unmotivated and self-indulgent with him (or with anyone), and R definitely only sees me at my bitterest and unhappiest 90% of the time we spend together. So it was an awesome change to shake off that negativity and be this happy, engaged person who feels more like my real self.

I got hired for an internship this summer, which I am SO excited about. My interview was on Tuesday and I got hired on the spot, which has done wonders for my self-esteem and I'm still on a bit of a high from that. Since I'll be staying in College City, I am also trying to get involved in a research project with a professor, which sounds fascinating. Yesterday, I discovered that my advisor is good friends with this professor and promised to put in a good word for me. (Networking, networking.) Plus, my roommate will be here too, meaning that we can live together through the summer. Some of my other friends are also staying in town, so hopefully we can maintain a semblance of a social life during the time when everyone usually scatters across the country.

As I was telling R about all this exciting goodness going on and everything that I was looking forward to in the next couple months, he seemed genuinely really happy for me and concluded: "That's excellent. Now there's just that pesky eating thing."

And I suppose I shouldn't gloss over the one iffy thing going on (my eating), but honestly, it hasn't even been on my mind a whole lot compared to most of the last year. Since getting food poisoning, I've definitely been eating more restrictively and my weight is down a few pounds that I - full disclosure here, don't be disappointed in me - do not really want to regain. I was not prepared for how easily triggered I'd be by the small, unexpected loss. Since then, I've basically settled into this pattern of halfhearted restriction, but I'm not actually obsessing about food or calories or weight all that much. It is just sort of like my thermostat for how much is "allowed" was quietly turned down without much fuss, and that was that.

The irony of improved mood correlating with deteriorating health is not lost on me, and I am absolutely not suggesting that restriction is a viable solution to depression - it's a stupid, short-sighted solution, and honestly, it's playing with fire. I'm not unmotivated to get back on the recovery bandwagon full throttle, but I am still a little wary about messing with this newfound happiness.