...and I completely underestimated the trigger-potential of an inadvertent X-lb weight loss. I keep telling myself that I'm still sick and need to be careful about what I put in my delicate little tummy, but it's clear by now that the real reason I'm not back on my meal plan is this: I'm tickled pink about the weight loss. The thought of regaining it is like suddenly the worst thing ever. A week ago, I had no intentions of losing weight; now that I have, though, I can't fathom how I let myself be seen in public at a weight X lbs higher.
I am amazed, actually, at how easily I dropped my calories and left them there. My appetite isn't totally back to its pre-stomach bug state, but it's getting there, and there's no reason for me to be eating skimpy portions of my old meals and snacks. Suddenly, I find myself with all these new self-imposed rules about what and when I can eat. I almost don't even notice them because I've been off my regular meal plan for a couple weeks now (first when I was away on vacation, and then when I was sick) so it's hard to remember what my normal plan looked like, but this isn't it. Now I'm just sort of left standing here wondering how did this happen?
I'm also amazed at how crappy it feels to be in an energy deficit, even if only for a few days. I am so, so tired. Not sleepy tired; more like my whole body is weak and heavy and totally wiped out. Every little movement seems to take a hundred times more effort than usual. I get winded walking around campus, and climbing stairs is complete torture.
Okay. Since I'm fully aware of what is happening and I'm not an idiot, here's the plan:
1) Eat full breakfast tomorrow. Maybe that will put my head in a sane enough place that will allow for full lunch and full dinner to follow.
2) Don't freak out and assume that I've overeaten if I am not hungry at any given meal time. My appetite is still out of whack, and the best way to get my body running properly again is to feed it.
3) Be honest with my dietician at my appointment tomorrow morning, even though it means she will probably send me home with a beefed up meal plan that I will want nothing to do with. Deal with that later.
It is so scary that slippage can happen so fast, especially when it's triggered entirely by something accidental that was out of your control at first (being sick). It is so, so critical not to get 1) sucked down farther or 2) stuck at a new lower standard. It's really funny how fast old floors become new ceilings when it comes to intake, right? But remember that you were not overeating at the higher mealplan a couple of weeks ago, and it would not be overeating if you went back to that today. The ED is such a distortion field, and I know it's hard to see through sometimes. I really hope things go well for you today, major kudos for being self-aware and for setting yourself healthy goals for today. Will be pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that it was triggering and led to a return of ED behaviors. It's really great that you've recognized it, though, and are making a plan of action that includes thinking ahead about how eating enough will feel, and also includes being honest about what's been going on. It's hard to have a setback, but it sounds like you're doing the right things and taking positive steps to get back on track. Good luck and take care!
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