I had an appointment with a new (non-ED related) doctor today, which always means rehashing my medical history and making judgment calls about what information is relevant (anorexia? osteopenia? period stuff?). The nurse took all my vitals and, of course, made me hop on the scale. I've been to enough doctors in the past year to know that this is routine, but it still throws me for a loop. Inevitably I had to fight the urge to interject and make sure the nurse was aware that 1) I had on jeans and a belt 2) there were two cups of coffee in my stomach 3) my dinner was extra salty last night 4) I hadn't peed very much yet that morning etc. etc. etc. Not that she cared about the five million factors that could have contributed to a 3-lb fluctuation one way or the other, but I didn't want her to think I was fat!
Usually the weight thing is not an issue and nurses simply write it down without comment, but this morning I got a lot of Wow, I wonder if you're even over XXX...so tiny...we might need to get out the newborn scale hahahahaha. When she was taking my blood pressure, she couldn't get a reading because the cuff was too big and she had to borrow a children's one, so she got a lot of mileage out of that as well. While you'd think that I would have been flattered and eaten that crap up, I was actually more uncomfortable and freaked out. Comments about being small or skinny validate my current weight in my head, and make me think that I shouldn't gain above it or else. Especially since I have a follow-up appointment at this office in six weeks, so I worry about being scrutinized if they weigh me again and I'm suddenly not tiny anymore.
Getting weighed at my therapist R's office isn't that stressful anymore, partly because it's blind. I still weigh myself at home (trying to quit that!) so the weight isn't a secret, but there's something about not being confronted with the actual number at my appointments that lowers the stress level a bit. R tells me whether my weight has gone up or down, and then we usually move on. He only really addresses my weight if it goes down significantly, or goes down for a couple of weeks in a row.
Something I'm not proud of is that I am still very conscious about how much I eat/drink before my appointments. I don't restrict, per se, but I usually skip the second cup of coffee. I don't know why I have this compulsion, especially since R wants my weight to go up and I usually get a talking-to that makes me feel like crap when it goes down. It's more of a habit at this point and I'm not exactly sure what my motivations are - or if I even have any, other than a deep-seated, eating-disordered desire to be the lowest weight possible, regardless of any outside factors.