Wednesday, March 21, 2012

(Sort of) Back in Action

Back to school! I have pretty much jumped in with both feet, even though my tummy is still a little unhappy and my whole body is numb with exhaustion. I'm not yet totally up to eating my usual bushels of fresh fruits and veggies (or meat and dairy), but I've expanded beyond plain toast and white soda. This little bout with food poisoning (I'm think it was food poisoning, although I can't actually say for sure) has really messed with me. Besides the part where I was violently ill for two days and meandered my way back across the continental United States in a nauseated fog, I'm still just feeling completely drained. At this point, it isn't even about me being sick anymore, but about my body being wiped out from the ordeal, and me not taking in enough calories and/or fluids to sustain myself.

Basically, I am terrified to eat too much or the wrong thing - not because of the usual anorexic reasons, but because I'm scared of upsetting my stomach and getting sick again. I'm not on the verge of puking everywhere all the time anymore, but I have no appetite and nothing really looks very good to me. Last night while my roommate was cooking herself dinner on the stove, I was standing in front of the open fridge wailing, "But I don't know what to eat!" It's really easy to forgo food when the thought of it makes you queasy and the memory of puking over the toilet is still fresh in your mind. So I've been letting myself get worn down from lack of calories without really realizing it, and then I wonder why my legs feel like lead and it takes me twenty minutes to climb six stairs.

My weight is down a few pounds - no surprise, really. I'm trying not to let that tempt me back into hmm isn't this nice, maybe I could just lose a little bit more, but I can definitely sense a teensy shift in my mindset. Not that I'm in full-on Operation: Weight Loss mode or anything, but part of me is secretly resisting the idea of gaining back the weight I've lost. Obviously, the lower number on the scale is a result of dehydration rather than real weight loss, but my mind is conveniently ignoring that fact. Like the new weight is suddenly the new maximum acceptable number, by some inexplicable Kaylee-decreed reasoning.

Food and weight stuff aside: I got my period again! Third time in two years. (Is it still appropriate for me to brag about this? To me, getting a semi-regular cycle is a complete novelty and I'm thrilled.) I skipped February and this month's isn't totally normal, but I'll take it! 'Scuse me while I go pop some Midol.


  1. Really hate to hear that you were/are so sick, ugh. That is awful for anyone, but compounds ED issues x10 sometimes. I know that even accidental weight loss can be very triggering, but the key is that you're aware of that risk, and, at least on some level, I hope you're aware that it was weight you didn't need to lose in the first place. For me, accidental weight loss tends to put me into a mode of not necessarily wanting to lose more, but being hugely resistant to gaining any of it back, like I would "ruin" that pseudoachievement that was really just a byproduct of my body being out of whack. Hang on there and focus on function: your body is hugely depleted right now, both from the stomach issues and from you immune system being in battle mode. In order to get back in top performance mode for school/life, you're going to need to recharge and rebuild a little bit.

    Okay that's probably enough lecturing for one comment...just worry about you! Really hope that school is off to a good start for you. I was away for spring break too and never had the chance to mention how AWESOME I think it is that you got to go hiking and adventuring; would love to hear more about that if we get a chance to chat on Facebook or something.

    And yes, you should celebrate the period! Woot for happy ovaries, you worked damn hard for them. ;)

  2. Sorry to hear that you've been sick, I hope you feel back to 100% soon! I also struggle with the accidental weight loss, and I have to remind myself that it's not healthy for my body or my mind. I wish I had more help on that, but it's something I'm struggling with as well.

    Aside from getting sick, it sounds like it was a great trip!

    Congrats on the period! Yay for a functioning reproductive system!