Saturday, June 20, 2015

Foot Stresses, Food Stresses

Last night I had the scary experience of waking up starving and not being able to get back to sleep. This has happened only a handful of times ever in my life, and it freaks me out every time. I did eventually get up and eat a granola bar, but not before tossing and turning and fretting for two hours in the dark.

Serves me right; my eating was totally chaotic yesterday—late breakfast, late lunch trying to work around the university rec center pool hours, skipped snack, small dinner, replaced my post-dinner snack with wine despite having been hungover from too much cheap wine the night before etc... so maybe it shouldn't have been surprising that my poor tummy was crying out for some real food to get it through the night.

All things considered I've been doing reasonably well with eating through this injury, despite much-decreased activity levels. My calorie intake is maybe down a tad, though not substantially. But I can't shake the aversion to "real," "wholesome," "balanced" meals. It's like I feel as though I haven't pushed myself to the fullest each day, and thus want nothing to do with normal, healthy, nourishing food. Instead I want to eat baby carrots with hummus or an apple with a scoop of peanut butter or a Clif bar or cereal and call it a day. Actually getting out my cutting board and colander and pans etc. and preparing a normal, grown-up meal seems ridiculous and unmerited. It's fucked up, I know. If anything I should be more concerned about nutrition while trying to recover from an injury...but I think we all know how maddeningly irrational my brain can be when it comes to this stuff.

It almost feels like I never want to feel totally satisfied and full; I want to be a little hungry, a little light-headed; to feel like I'm staying one step ahead. A broken foot is keeping me sedentary, but don't worry I got this I'll just skip dinner.

History shows this will catch up with me, and I am really fucking NOT in the mood to deal with ED bullshit these days. Thus I am working really hard to remind myself that I am still exercising a reasonable amount each day on the bike or in the pool, that restricting doesn't solve anything, and that I will never be satisfied on the wimpy rabbit food meals I'm trying to get away with. Remember my weird craving for beef a couple weeks ago? I've had two other oddly powerful cravings recently—one for cheese and one for sweet potatoes, of all things. Why? I have no idea. I never ever get food cravings, so to have multiple powerful ones in the span of a couple weeks is strange and unsettling, to say the least. Apparently my body is trying to send a message about the quality of nutrients (of lack thereof...) I am currently taking in.

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