Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Attack of the Anxiety Monster

My anxiety is off the chain right now. I don't know why! I always have some level of anxiety going on—seems like part of my temperament, unfortunately. But the past few days it's been insane.

Irrational fears? Check.

Freaking out about minute details? Check.

Heart pounding in my chest? Check.

On the verge of tears over something tiny? Check.

I had this scary sense yesterday of just being so anxious and so unmanageably freaked out that the thought of it would be easier to be dead right now popped into my head. I've had that thought related to depression, but that's kind of the nature of depression, ya know? Wanting to be dead as the result of depression makes sense to me; it's predictable. But wanting to be dead because of anxiety? Because life is too scary? That's not normal.

Being injured is not helping. I hate being injured. I'm antsy and stressed about it. I'm worried my foot won't heal enough in time for my hiking trip with Mama Bear at the end of the month, and I have SO been looking forward to this!

I made an appointment with the campus health center tomorrow morning; I'm always paranoid about fractures, given the sorry state of my bones (THANKS ANOREXIA, IT'S BEEN REAL!) but I'm pretty sure it's not that. Pretty sure... I'd know if it were broken, right? Right?!

I am trying so hard to stay off my feet and avoid unnecessary walking, which has me feeling like a fat slug. Yesterday I worked up the courage to try swimming at the athletic center pool on campus. It took courage because (A) I am a terrible swimmer, and (B) I'd never been to the pool before and thus didn't know anything about lap swimming etiquette so I was all intimidated. Anyway I went and made a new friend (it was her first time swimming there too!) so we braved it together. I do like swimming, I just suck at it and hate the whole ordeal of changing, showering, dealing with the matted and chlorinated mess that my hair becomes, etc. But it seems pretty clear that my body can't take much more than minimal running (I am so injury-prone, it really sucks) so I should probably work on making low-impact activities part of my normal workout rotation.

So, ugh, hanging in there I guess. Just feeling kinda icky and frustrated and bogged down. It is not the end of the world. Things will right themselves again. Soon please!


  1. I'm sorry your anxiety has been so bad. Sounds as if the injury is really not helping at all. Do you have any idea of what might have triggered the anxiety? Do you still see Dr. P? I hope the anxiety goes away very soon! Hang in there!

    1. thanks, xray this morning was normal so at least my mind is somewhat at ease about that. I see Dr. P tomorrow - whew!