Saturday, June 27, 2015

A Dip

Spending my Saturday working. Again. And feeling pretty darn lonely, like all my friends have moved away again and I am exhausted and overwhelmed by the thought of having to start over with new peeps again. It takes me a while to warm up to people; I'm not shy, really, but I am reserved and introverted and wary of letting people in. And sometimes it feels like I am still shell-shocked with everything my brain and body and heart have been through over the past few years, and that it is more important to protect myself, keep myself on the straight-and-narrow, not do anything too wild and crazy, that I am passing up chances to put myself out there, develop new relationships, and just like be a normal person who doesn't freak out and overthink everything.

I'm not intentionally isolating myself, but I do find myself being extra wary of surrendering my independence, my routine, my emotional security. It feels safe but it also feels limiting. I don't know if it is more important to figure out how to just be okay with myself first, or to say screw it and take risks and be spontaneous and accept that things might be scary and out of control and potentially disastrous.

Sorry this is vague. I'm not having a terrible time, just a slightly down period. Sometimes weekends are wonderful, and sometimes they are really hard.


  1. Loneliness is hard, man. I'm sorry you're having a blue weekend. It's hard to juggle managing health (physical and mental), school, and social/emotional interactions as well. For what it's worth, I wasn't sure if I was ready to start dating seriously when I met my current boyfriend, but found that the more time I spent with him, the less important my same routines, rules, etc etc were. Losing some (not all or even most!) independence means gaining a lot of other things, and also be a tool for getting rid of the parts of yourself that are holding you back, if that makes sense?

    But all of that aside, sorry you're having an isolated weekend. Does finding a new book/show/walking route/coffee shop or anything like that tend to help you, even if that's still an independent activity? Don't hesitate to drop me a line if you need to reach out!

  2. My weekends are really weird and usually bad. Not working makes my weekends just über lame. But someday I'll have a job again. :P

  3. It's really tough when friends aren't around, and making new ones is also challenging. Ugh. I hope your weekend has improved! Weekends do seem difficult (for me at least) sometimes because of the lack of structure in my life. I hope you find ways that feel safe to reach out and have more connection there. Take care!