Things are so-so. The not running has been hard. I just feel kind of icky, especially on the days that I don't get much walking in. It's been raining nonstop the past two days here, so I've pretty much been stuck inside on my butt and it's driving me NUTS. And I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning. Did I mention that was a mistake?
I am having a hard time trusting my body these days. After several months of stability, my weight has started inching up again and it scares me. I guess a lot has changed in terms of my exercise (from no running to lots of running back to no running, semi-consistent strength-training, very little walking to lots of walking, etc) and my period has become slightly irregular again over the past couple months after over a year of a metronomic 30-day cycle, so maybe these changes are a sign of something hormonally again? I hate that I've started obsessing about it again SO much. I can't tell how much of this is in my head, but my clothes feel tight and my gut feels bloated and I always seem to feel sluggish and gross. Mentally, it feels like I'm going backwards.
I am trying so hard to have a little faith. Not like God-faith, but faith that I'm doing the best I can, that I am by no means eating too much or too little, that my exercise level is just fine, and that my weight cannot go up forever. That maybe this is still post-ED recovery after so many years of restriction - sometimes hardcore, sometimes subclinical. I need a little faith that my body has already recovered from two major, baffling conditions and thus is obviously super resilient, and that a little more weight is always better than a little less. Right guys? Right? Right?!!?
What I hate most is that otherwise, things are going great. I love my research, I'm excited about my work, and (most of) my classes are awesome. So, I really don't want to let stupid ED stuff get me down.
This is maybe extreme, but for a v long time post treatment while the weight was 'settling' or whatnot, i went w v unstructured clothing. Flowy dresses & yoga panta were my wardrobe staples. It was just easier to not have to deal w real or imaginary weight/bloat flux on a moment to moment basis.
ReplyDeleteAlso- remember, all this awesome stuff thats goin on is incompatible w starving your brain. Feed yourself so you can keep being awesome.
yeah I am thinking that maybe a major shopping spree is in order. I actually love jeans and usually feel good in mine, but the problem is that I only have 1 or 2 pairs in my new size (which I finally accepted was my size sometime last year...) so it may be time to fully embrace that and flesh out my closet a bit more. I'm not much of a clothes horse, but I do like to look nice and have finally FINALLY realized that well-fitting clothes will always look/feel better than anything too tight or too baggy
DeleteWrap dresses are a godsend. Seriously. I own like, all of them, in wonderful non-wrinkle material. They count as fitting me well at a sizeable range, and never dig into my waist awkwardly.
DeleteShopping spree is totally in order!! I <3 online shopping and post-defense basically bought an entire new wardrobe cuz I'm going to have to be dressing like a grown up soon. Kinda killed my whole I will only wear non-fitted clothing thing, but nice to have new clothes anyhow.
I know this is going to sound crazy, but could you toss the scale? Or give it to Dr. P and have her weigh you periodically just to be sure things are going okay? That helped me a ton, just to get the numbers out of my head, which in turn, helped my perception issues decrease. I'm sorry the obsession has ramped up so much. That's so painful. My guess is that your body is pretty confused and needs time to settle where it wants to be. That waiting totally sucks though. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteso actually i've considered that...because my weight doesn't become an issue for me until I weigh myself, when I discover that apparently I'm not over my ed because weight gain is still totally devastating to me. Don't yet trust myself to not go out and buy a new scale immediately after trashing the old one, but I am definitely taking your suggestion very seriously. thanks A
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