Things are so-so. The not running has been hard. I just feel kind of icky, especially on the days that I don't get much walking in. It's been raining nonstop the past two days here, so I've pretty much been stuck inside on my butt and it's driving me NUTS. And I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning. Did I mention that was a mistake?
I am having a hard time trusting my body these days. After several months of stability, my weight has started inching up again and it scares me. I guess a lot has changed in terms of my exercise (from no running to lots of running back to no running, semi-consistent strength-training, very little walking to lots of walking, etc) and my period has become slightly irregular again over the past couple months after over a year of a metronomic 30-day cycle, so maybe these changes are a sign of something hormonally again? I hate that I've started obsessing about it again SO much. I can't tell how much of this is in my head, but my clothes feel tight and my gut feels bloated and I always seem to feel sluggish and gross. Mentally, it feels like I'm going backwards.
I am trying so hard to have a little faith. Not like God-faith, but faith that I'm doing the best I can, that I am by no means eating too much or too little, that my exercise level is just fine, and that my weight cannot go up forever. That maybe this is still post-ED recovery after so many years of restriction - sometimes hardcore, sometimes subclinical. I need a little faith that my body has already recovered from two major, baffling conditions and thus is obviously super resilient, and that a little more weight is always better than a little less. Right guys? Right? Right?!!?
What I hate most is that otherwise, things are going great. I love my research, I'm excited about my work, and (most of) my classes are awesome. So, I really don't want to let stupid ED stuff get me down.