You guys, I hate to admit it, but everyone was right. Gaining weight is fixing my brain. I loathe being this weight, but even I can tell that I'm more rational here. Looking back, I now realize how bat shit crazy I used to be. R and J have been telling me over and over for months that getting out of the underweight category would do wonders for my mindset, and goddammit if they weren't spot on. Here's what I've noticed since gaining XX pounds over the past six months:
- I am worlds more relaxed about food than I've been in a long, long, long time. Am I a totally carefree and intuitive eater? No, definitely not. But I eat a tremendously more varied diet than I used to. I've been buying lunch on campus with friends instead of packing my own safe boring sandwich every day. I ate a freaking burger and fries in Home City. I ate cookies almost nightly (in a normal way, not a weird binge-y way or anything). Even my roommate mentioned that I seem more chill about food than she's ever seen.
- My body image is glacially improving and no, I have not lost weight. Do I love my new bod? No, I despise it most of the time. But I don't get nauseous at the sight of myself in the mirror, and I don't cry every morning about how fat I am, and I don't have constant irrational fears about runaway weight gain. I'm certainly not in love with my body, but I'm becoming okay with it. Begrudgingly. And if it helps to keep me pain-free in the future like Dr. A predicted, then I'll become much more okay with it.
- I'm happier. Now, a lot of this has to do with the fact that my physical health is improving in other areas (e.g. eyes, hopefully soon hip/pelvic pain) but I also just feel more settled and comfortable. I don't wake up in the morning and commence FREAKING OUT about what/when/how/how much/why/why not I should eat.
Don't get me wrong, my body image still sucks. A lot. Ew. But...it just feels different now. Like, not the end of the world. The thought of gaining weight doesn't send me into an emotional tailspin. I certainly don't want to gain more weight, and I would certainly be pissed and unhappy if I did, but I wouldn't go back to starving and I would still find life worth living.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should be so proud of yourself for taking the risk and making the loving, healthy choices you've been making!
ReplyDeleteKALIE. This post made me so happy, I can't even tell you. Ever since I first started reading your blog I have been hoping and wishing that you would finally get to a place where you felt better, your health was improved, and most of all that you could really have the balance back to see how completely unworth it the ED is. You are a rockstar, my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou have dealt with challenges that would've tested even the most resilient person over the past year or so, and not only have you made it through, you've emerged stronger, healthier and wiser as a result. That is too awesome for words. You have a ton going for you, and you're going to go SO far, especially without that disorder chaining you away from what you really want in life.
Also, I hope you know that your successes are really inspiring. Just reading this made me feel more motivated to stick with some of the changes I know I need to be making right now. Thanks for being you, Kalie. <3
I just realized I misspelled your name, I know your real one so I'm not used to typing the blog one anymore. SORRY, don't think I'm a bad friend!
Deletehaha, no problem—as you know, it's a pseudonym so I don't have any strong attachments to it. Besides, i think your spelling is cuter anyway!
Deleteyour comment made me tear up a little, thanks. You have been amazingly inspiring to me as well.
This is so wonderful to read! I know it's been hard, hard work, but it's amazing to hear that things have been getting better for you. I'm so proud of you for your perseverence and committment to recovery and health despite major obstacles and challenges. You're so strong and amazing! And you're taking your life back from this disease. How awesome is that??!!
ReplyDeleteThis post, and you yourself, are so very inspiring :)
I totally needed to read this today. My team has been pushing me the past few weeks to put on some weight because I've lost a lot of the weight I gained in treatment and I've just been so terrified. But I definitely noticed the same things you did when I was at a healthier weight - my brain works better, I'm less rigid, and my body image begins to improve. (My body image gets *worse* when I lose weight. Go figure, right?)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you documented this so that you've got it as a reminder when things become tempting again. I'm so proud of you!!!
it's insane, right? I felt way fatter XX pounds ago compared to my current weight. Now, I'm just like "eh, I feel kind of fat, but whatever." The rigidity has been the biggest change for me—I'm way more flexible about all the food, weight, etc. numbers that used to completely consume me. Best of luck to you, hope you can get back to that healthier place!
Delete:) :) :)
ReplyDelete