You guys, I hate to admit it, but everyone was right. Gaining weight is fixing my brain. I loathe being this weight, but even I can tell that I'm more rational here. Looking back, I now realize how bat shit crazy I used to be. R and J have been telling me over and over for months that getting out of the underweight category would do wonders for my mindset, and goddammit if they weren't spot on. Here's what I've noticed since gaining XX pounds over the past six months:
- I am worlds more relaxed about food than I've been in a long, long, long time. Am I a totally carefree and intuitive eater? No, definitely not. But I eat a tremendously more varied diet than I used to. I've been buying lunch on campus with friends instead of packing my own safe boring sandwich every day. I ate a freaking burger and fries in Home City. I ate cookies almost nightly (in a normal way, not a weird binge-y way or anything). Even my roommate mentioned that I seem more chill about food than she's ever seen.
- My body image is glacially improving and no, I have not lost weight. Do I love my new bod? No, I despise it most of the time. But I don't get nauseous at the sight of myself in the mirror, and I don't cry every morning about how fat I am, and I don't have constant irrational fears about runaway weight gain. I'm certainly not in love with my body, but I'm becoming okay with it. Begrudgingly. And if it helps to keep me pain-free in the future like Dr. A predicted, then I'll become much more okay with it.
- I'm happier. Now, a lot of this has to do with the fact that my physical health is improving in other areas (e.g. eyes, hopefully soon hip/pelvic pain) but I also just feel more settled and comfortable. I don't wake up in the morning and commence FREAKING OUT about what/when/how/how much/why/why not I should eat.
Don't get me wrong, my body image still sucks. A lot. Ew. But...it just feels different now. Like, not the end of the world. The thought of gaining weight doesn't send me into an emotional tailspin. I certainly don't want to gain more weight, and I would certainly be pissed and unhappy if I did, but I wouldn't go back to starving and I would still find life worth living.