I have some wise, wise readers (Hi Cammy! Hi Laura!) whose comments got me thinking about this stuff. First, Cammy asked: Can you think of any reason you might have felt like this today? Anything from gray weather to something that happened in class, or something else? Looking back, I think the issue was that I had just come from PT where my therapist was having me do all kinds of stretches and different kinds of walking and stuff, and she was asking if anything made my pain any less, and nothing really did. So then I started thinking about how much pain I still have on a regular basis, and how I never really know how good/bad I'm going to feel on a daily basis, and how that really sucks. And once my brain got going on that negative loop, it was hard to break out of the cycle.
And then Laura asked: Do you know of things in the past that have helped when you've felt like this? This is a little trickier, and that's the part that scares me. I have no idea how to pull myself out of a depression that feels 100% controlled by my physical condition. I don't know how to stop the pain; thus, I don't know how to stop the depression. True, I've been in a vastly better mood for the past month or so, ever since being home for winter break—but I'm not exactly sure how I got there, how I'm staying there, and how to keep from going backwards.
While it feels like I'm totally powerless over my own feelings and outlook, I suppose that's not totally true. If I'm being really honest with myself, I could list a few things that helped turn the emotional tides over the past 4-6 weeks: (1) I saw Dr. A, who promised that the hip/pelvic pain is curable and outlined a treatment plan for me. (2) Dr. Q is an ophthalmic genius and found a solution for my horribly dry (and apparently nerve-damaged) eyes. (3) I started planning for graduation and applying to graduate schools. (4) I spent an amazingly relaxing and wonderful month at home with Mama and Papa and Big Brother, and then College Roomie came to visit and see my house and got to meet High School BFF. So all in all, a lot has changed, even though it sometimes doesn't feel like it. And it took time, but all those changes managed to pull me out of the worst depression of my life, and turn things around enough so that I am able to have a relatively positive mindset. I'm still scared that things could change back in a heartbeat, but at least I feel a bit stronger and better equipped to handle them. At the very least, I am not being entirely controlled by an all-powerful force of negativity anymore.
In other news:
— I've discovered weight lifting! More on this later, but my body LOVES being active again, even if it's not in the typical cardio sweat-till-you drop type way that I've always preferred. Also, I'M SORE.
— After talking to my mom and doing some research, I've set up a consultation with a new therapist next week. Not sure if it will end up working out with her, but this feels like an important step.