My parents are coming to visit this weekend, which is exciting and a little stressful. First of all, I have truckloads of schoolwork, so I won't have a ton of time to spend with them Another issue is meals - they aren't staying in my apartment, so we're going to end up eating a lot of meals out. I am generally okay ("okay" being a relative term ) with the occasional meal out here and there, but multiple days of lunch/dinner out tend to really mess with me and cause a ton of anxiety.
Food has been kind of weird for me lately. I am still obsessive and irrational and super rigid, but it feels different now, like it changes daily and I am constantly having to reevaluate how I feel about recovery and, therefore, what I should eat. I seem to alternate between two opposite poles. Sometimes I spend an hour in front of the mirror despising my body and convincing myself that any recovery-minded notions are insane because I'm FAT and need to lose weight fast...and sometimes I get super motivated to feed my body what it needs to reach its healthiest state and start repairing all the damage of the past few years. I try to hang onto the latter one all I can, because it feels good and makes eating a whole heck of a lot easier. But gosh darn it, my body image is so bad. It's not possible for me to actually look as fat as I think I do, is it? I want to pull my eyeballs out and try on a different pair, just to see what the world around me actually looks like.
Enough of that silliness. I saw a new doctor* this morning. And he was WONDERFUL. I know that I bitch and moan about how doctors suck and such all the time, but I've also had a few gems. This guy, for one, plus my gastroenterologist, my psychiatrist, and my ophthalmologist. Wish I wasn't anonymous right now so I could give you all recommendations (as well as tell you which ones to avoid!!).
How 'bout that debate? I won't go all political on you, but I do love a good debate. Too bad this one was b-o-r-i-n-g. YAWN. Except Obama's zinger at the end about Romney's busy first day in office with all the angry pro-Obamacare Democrats, that made me laugh.
In other current events, I'm a little freaked out about the peanut butter recall. Peanut butter makes up a not-insignificant portion of my daily intake and I'm not sure what I would do without it. I mean, I suppose there are other kinds of sandwiches out there...but I don't do variety, remember?
Okay, I guess I should get back to my truckloads of schoolwork. Take care everyone, happy Friday!
*If anyone's counting, my medical team currently includes nine doctors. I've seen way more over the past year or so (probably around 20?) but these are the ones I see at least semi-regularly.
I hope you have a great time with your parents, and that the restaurant meals go ok! I know it's hard, but I know you can do it!
ReplyDeleteI love your idea about testing out some different eyeballs, wouldn't that be wonderful? Ok, maybe painful too, lol. I hope you can grab hold of the mindset of wanting to nourish yourself and return to full health, and hang on tight to it!
Glad you like your new doctor! Working with someone you get along with and trust can make such a difference.
The PB thing really scares me too, because like you, I get a good amount of PB in every day. I keep checking the recall list, and luckily it seems pretty confined to one main company. Fingers crossed that your brand isn't one of the recalled ones! It's so hard to change up something so vital like PB!
The peanut-butter scare is only for the store-brand names, not famous brand names like Adams, Smuckers, and Jif. Trader Joes is the only one to be really concerned about, and even then, they pulled all their brands off the shelves (that is my favorite PB :( ).
ReplyDeleteI'll let you know I thought the debate was good (hehe, Romney/Ryan voter here). I think it's pretty sad how much Obama lies to get his way. I don't know about you, but the Obamacare bill scares me. I don't want our country to be going on the same path of health care as Switzerland, Germany, and Britain (which is what Obama wants). If you watched the movie "2016", maybe you would understand. (And did you know about the microchip deal in the health-bill? that's very creepy....)
Not to turn your blog into political warfare but I'll just put this out there: http://www.snopes.com/politics/medical/microchip.asp
ReplyDelete/endofftopic'ing
I hope that you had a good weekend with your parents!
When I was in earlier recovery, I toggled between gung-ho yay meal plan [okay not quite, but] and FTS on a regular basis. It helped for me to try to not make a decision at every meal. It's easier said than done, obv. But when I'd start to waiver, I'd be like, no I already DECIDED to do this today, I already negotiated this battle, I'm not fighting it again. And I'd eat. But sometimes I'd cry too.
I have this visualization I like of thinking of doing positive things as a way of rewiring my brain, and doing disordered things as reinforcing the already too deeply ingrained ED tracts. So even when it *feels* like the only thing I could possibly do is procrastinate/skimp on a meal or stand infront of a mirror or hop on a scale, I know that forcing myself to do anything but that is a win, even if it doesn't feel like that.
I still don't have full-length mirrors in my apt or a scale. The lack of full-length mirror is sometimes a problem, but we have one in my dorm hall so if I wanna check how cute an outfit looks w/boots vs. flats I can, but I can't say, stand there naked/nearly naked and obsess. Because you know, that'd be awk.
Oh, and re: PB. Phew that it's not so many going off the shelves, but I'd highly recommend [the ridiculously $$ but delish] almond & cashew butters!