Thoughts vs. Actions

Hey all—it's been a really busy week and I'm just now coming up for air. Pretty sure I semi-bombed one of my exams yesterday but whatever, it's done. I really need this weekend to just like decompress and get myself organized and catch up on all the stuff I put off while in frantic cram-mode this past week.

On the medical front: My newest doctor referred me to a PT clinic, but they couldn't fit me in for almost a MONTH. Sheesh. At least I have other appointments to keep me occupied until then. Eye doctor on Monday - everyone keep your fingers crossed for good news. I saw R this morning, which was lame, until I stopped being difficult and decided to actually TALK. Hmm...

Something that came up was my appointment with J last week. She's normally chipper and perky and positive, but this time I left her office feeling negative and defeated. She seems to think I'm still stuck in ED-Land, totally opposed to any and all forms of recovery. I don't know how else to say this that will convince people: I am trying so hard with food. I really am. I want to get better. Seeing Dr. P last week really gave me a big boost in motivation. I want to feed my body the things it needs to repair itself. Body image is still ehh, but I'm getting there.

The hardest part, really, sounds stupid but be gentle: I just don't know what to eat. I am so dang used to eating the same thing every day, to negotiating down wherever I can, to scraping by on the minimum, that when I get to the end of the day and realize I'm down XXX calories or whatever from my goal, I just don't know what to do. Eating too much at once feels like bingeing (which is silly because it's not, and I've never binged in my life) but I'm not going to get anywhere by eating skimpy little rabbit food snacks, you know? But then when I think about beefing up my meal plan, everything seems unappetizing or too much or not right etc. etc. etc. They're all just lame default ED-mode excuses, I know, don't be triggered or mad or disappointed in me, but the mindset is still weirdly hard to get past.

So, I guess there's a bit of a disconnect between my internal motivation and my external behaviors. (What am I now, a psychologist?) It's understandable that J would get frustrated when I say that I'm open to increasing my meal plan, but then shrug off every calorie-boosting suggestion she makes. But for the most part, I feel like I have increased and I have gained weight. I've followed through more in the past three months than at any other time in the full year I've been seeing her. Go me!

I expressed this to R today, and he did some cheerleading that actually did help a lot. Note to doctors everywhere: Kaylee responds to positive reinforcement only. Scolding just makes me want to curl up in a ball and never come out. I think that's why Dr. P was such a breath of fresh air for me—he kept saying "You're doing great, you're doing great," and it made me want to do everything in my power to keep moving forward.