Friday, October 12, 2012

Thoughts vs. Actions

Hey all—it's been a really busy week and I'm just now coming up for air. Pretty sure I semi-bombed one of my exams yesterday but whatever, it's done. I really need this weekend to just like decompress and get myself organized and catch up on all the stuff I put off while in frantic cram-mode this past week.

On the medical front: My newest doctor referred me to a PT clinic, but they couldn't fit me in for almost a MONTH. Sheesh. At least I have other appointments to keep me occupied until then. Eye doctor on Monday - everyone keep your fingers crossed for good news. I saw R this morning, which was lame, until I stopped being difficult and decided to actually TALK. Hmm...

Something that came up was my appointment with J last week. She's normally chipper and perky and positive, but this time I left her office feeling negative and defeated. She seems to think I'm still stuck in ED-Land, totally opposed to any and all forms of recovery. I don't know how else to say this that will convince people: I am trying so hard with food. I really am. I want to get better. Seeing Dr. P last week really gave me a big boost in motivation. I want to feed my body the things it needs to repair itself. Body image is still ehh, but I'm getting there.

The hardest part, really, sounds stupid but be gentle: I just don't know what to eat. I am so dang used to eating the same thing every day, to negotiating down wherever I can, to scraping by on the minimum, that when I get to the end of the day and realize I'm down XXX calories or whatever from my goal, I just don't know what to do. Eating too much at once feels like bingeing (which is silly because it's not, and I've never binged in my life) but I'm not going to get anywhere by eating skimpy little rabbit food snacks, you know? But then when I think about beefing up my meal plan, everything seems unappetizing or too much or not right etc. etc. etc. They're all just lame default ED-mode excuses, I know, don't be triggered or mad or disappointed in me, but the mindset is still weirdly hard to get past.

So, I guess there's a bit of a disconnect between my internal motivation and my external behaviors. (What am I now, a psychologist?) It's understandable that J would get frustrated when I say that I'm open to increasing my meal plan, but then shrug off every calorie-boosting suggestion she makes. But for the most part, I feel like I have increased and I have gained weight. I've followed through more in the past three months than at any other time in the full year I've been seeing her. Go me!

I expressed this to R today, and he did some cheerleading that actually did help a lot. Note to doctors everywhere: Kaylee responds to positive reinforcement only. Scolding just makes me want to curl up in a ball and never come out. I think that's why Dr. P was such a breath of fresh air for me—he kept saying "You're doing great, you're doing great," and it made me want to do everything in my power to keep moving forward.


  1. I hope you have a chance to just breathe and relax this weekend, and that your eye appointment goes well! I'm really sorry to hear that the appointment with J didn't go so well. I'm sure that's really frustrating because I know you've been working so so hard, and it sounds like she wasn't super encouraging.

    The extra food part is hard! I know you like peanut butter a lot, any way to add more of that in? Or get some yummy granola bars or protein bars to just munch at the end of the day if you're short on cals? Oatmeal is also a good one, and sometimes I used to mix a little PB in with my oatmeal. Super tasty and an easy way to get in the cals. I know it's hard when it feels like a binge, but since that's not something that's been an issue for you, you might have to remind yourself that even if it FEELS like a binge, it really isn't. Making sure you hit the mealplan is exactly what your body needs. Take care, and good luck!

    1. Thanks Alie! All your suggestions are making me hungry... During hardcore refeeding a couple years ago I always made a huge bowl of oatmeal with pb mixed in every night before bed. Yum! Maybe it's time to bring that back!

  2. I so hear you re: positive motivation!! Can you tell yiur RD that? I'm bossy in general, but when it came time to identifying what didnt work for me i was somewhat timid/felt like I'd get that old 'thats your ed talking' crap that made me wanna pull my hair out. Its true for physical stuff for me too-- infinitely easier to eat w the hope that it'd restore my porous bones than bc of fear I'd make it worse!! Also, for me, it was easier somehow to add in totally new foods vs switch to higher cal versions of restrictive me snacks.

    1. Haha, we've commiserated about this before so you might enjoy this: my therapist made a big note in my file to NEVER EVER REFER TO KAYLEE'S ED AS A PERSON. My D still slips up sometimes but has definitely gotten better about focusing on physical stuff that I actually care about rather than the "voice in my head" that everyone else seems to be convinced exists!