Therapy was really hard this morning. I had promised myself to be honest with R about how depressed I've been, but of course I still found it near impossible to choke the words out. So I started to cry instead, and he worked it out anyway. Go figure.
I think R just doesn't know what to do with me anymore. (Same with my last three eye doctors and five gynecologists, but I won't take it personally.) He asked if I feel better after talking with him, or if I ever think about stuff during the week that I want to bring up in therapy, but really, I don't. Mostly I just feel sad and hope that R will have some suggestions to make me feel better. But then I get to my appointment and don't know what to say other than basically: "I don't feel good." Partly also, most of my problems are related to physical stuff right now, so talking about my feelings seems kind of silly and pointless.
On a slightly better note, I also saw my psychiatrist this week - Dr. L. She's wonderful. She always reviews my file and talks to R and J and does some outside research on stuff that might help me before appointments. We talked about switching my pain meds because I am not handling the weight gain side effect well at all. No, I'm not overweight and no, I'm not gaining at a medically dangerous rate or anything even close to that, but it's happening too quickly on not enough food. The bottom line is that I simply can't cope with the meal plan and the medication-induced gain at the same time. Just can't do it.
Anyway, the drug has also made my eyes infinitely worse, and I'm pretty much sleepy and sluggish all day long. Dr. L is going to get in touch with my other doctor who prescribed it to talk about switching me to a different brand which hopefully will have fewer side effects. Have I mentioned I hate drugs?
Things are just really hard. I'm trying not to get so down all the time, but it's a struggle. It scares me to be crying all the time and feeling so out of control. I even skipped class the other day because I was feeling so crappy. You guys. I don't skip class. But I just couldn't stop crying long enough to go.
I want so badly to have a normal body and a normal life. I just feel like if I could have that back, then everything else would fall into place. I feel like I could handle anything after this. I just don't want this anymore.
I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. It sounds like everything going on and the feelings have just been overwhelming. I'm glad R is at least trying to sift through how helpful the process is and maybe look for improvements in that area. And it's so good to hear that Dr. L is looking at changing your meds. It seems like this particular one has caused a lot of frustration and emotional pain (along with eye pain) and that maybe there's a better one out there for you. I really hope there's a better solution with the meds for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know it's hard to not beat yourself up about missing class, but try to go easy on yourself. You're dealing with really tough stuff, and it's ok to give yourself a little break every now and then. Hang in there!