I actually didn't even realize today was Halloween until I looked my calendar just now. It's weird because Halloween used to be my favorite holiday by far, partly because it also meant my birthday was close. Speaking of, I'm getting SO old. Does 22 make me a grown-up? Sometimes I'm super independent and super self-sufficient, and sometimes I'm like, holy fuck when did I stop being a kid and WHY DIDN'T ANYONE WARN ME THIS WOULD HAPPEN?
My biggest wish for my birthday (besides a new body, new eyeballs, a new metabolism, a new therapist, and world peace) is for my darn phone to get here. My dad ordered one for me last week (thanks Dad!) after mine took an unfortunate swim in the can, and it was supposed to arrive yesterday but got delayed - mostly likely because of Sandy. Now, I'm not going to get all bent out of shape and throw a fit about it, since I'm pretty lucky that a delayed package is the ONLY personal damage I've suffered from the storm, but it's getting seriously inconvenient to be phoneless. All I can say is thank God for the internet.
Anyway, I'm trying to stay busy and not get totally bogged down with depression. I'm still crying a fair amount, although I can usually pull it together in time to take care of real life. My weight is really really really really bothering me, but I'm doing okay with telling myself "You must eat. You need food. This isn't forever."
I had a meeting with a woman on campus the other day and I swear, she must have slipped the phrase "I have a weight problem" into the conversation at least six times. Can I buy you a coffee, Kaylee? How about some breakfast? Oh no, none for me. I have a weight problem.
She was perfectly lovely and we had a great conversation about unrelated things for work, but this woman was positively DETERMINED to convince me of her "weight problem." She wasn't even overweight, so far as I could tell. She looked perfectly average and healthy and happy. I kind of wanted to throw out an I hear ya, sister! I've got quite a bit of a weight problem myself! LOL. If only she knew.
So, that's my lame and unexciting Halloween update. I didn't have a costume this year, although I was downtown for the BIG College City Halloween extravaganza over the weekend and it was madness, I tell you. MADNESS. It troubles me to see adults acting like frat boys. Really, I fear for us all.
I've noticed my depression gets tons worse with weight gain. That's absolutely not to say that we shouldn't be gaining weight (benefits > drawbacks), but it's definitely harder when you don't have the eating disorder as a way to cope with the emotional stuff. like, the ED can't mask it anymore - it's just all out there for you to deal with. so yeah, i get it.
ReplyDeleteno advice, other than just to hang in there. you're not alone <3
I hope your birthday wishes of better overall health come true! I'm really sorry your mood hasn't really picked up, weight gain feels so uncomfortable, scary, upsetting, basically insert any negative emotion here. I hear ya, I really really do. But, as you say, it's not forever. Hopefully the emotional part of it will ease as you get into a healthier weight range (super fun brain chemistry there), and the rest of your health will improve too. I know it's hard to keep an eye on the prize when it feels so frustrating, but I know you can do it. You're one tough, strong, resilient lady! Hang in there!
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