Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Results and Reflections

Good news first: negative for Sjogren's and lupus. Whew. As for the rest of my bloodwork, I was low-ish in iron and vitamins A, B, and D, but not officially deficient in anything. The bad news then, I guess, is that I have pretty much no more information about what's wrong with me. Part of me was kind of hoping to have some (treatable) red flag pop up in my bloodwork that would shed light on everything that's been happening. No such luck, unfortunately, and I'm pretty much back where I started.

I don't really have anything else to post about. I'm just sad. I want answers. I want to feel better. I'm trying so hard to eat well, but this damn medication is making me fat. I know I promised you guys I wouldn't whine anymore...oops. Last week I was feeling way more positive and less down-in-the-dumps, but now things just seem crappy again. It's not even my mind that's pooping out on me this time, it's my body. I hurt and I'm tired and I can't see. Things aren't getting any better, and I really can't imagine living the rest of my life like this.

I've never been suicidal (like, not ever, so nobody get freaked out or anything) but sometimes I think about dying. Like, what would happen? Would that make things suck less? No worries, I'm not going near any afterlife/heaven/hell/reincarnation/etc. theological debates with a fifty-foot pole, but sometimes I wonder what happens next and whether things would be any better for me. Anytime the thought of dying crosses my mind, though, I start thinking about my parents, and my brother, and my roommate, and my best friend P back home, and my uncle M who used to drive me to Dr. R's office last year before I got my car. And then I think about my car, and wonder, who would drive him if I weren't there? (Yes, my car's a dude. You can call him Sam.) Who would pack up all the books in my trunk? (There's a small library back there. Sam's a trooper.) What would my thesis advisor do on Mondays at four o'clock? What would R do on Friday mornings? And what would he do with my file, since he and J wouldn't need it anymore?

I'm not gonna kill myself, pleasepleaseplease no one get worried or scared or anything silly like that. Sometimes I just find myself wondering about this stuff a lot. I'm really scared of feeling terrible forever.


  1. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to pretty much everything you said. I'm having problems with an undiagnosed medical thing, too (something cardiac, but they can't figure out exactly what), so i totally get that frustration.
    also, i think about those things, too. i have been suicidal (not recently, no worries), but those aren't the suicidal-type thoughts.... i think your questions are normal. i think it's normal to wonder. we all want to matter, don't we? we want to know what impact we have on the world. what we would leave behind.
    anyway, hang in there <3

  2. I really hope the doctors can figure something out soon to improve your overall health!

    I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting so much, emotionally and physically. Despite the fact that those thoughts are hard to live through, I give you so much credit for being open and honest about what's going on in your head. It's so hard to share thoughts that seem so scary and vulnerable, and it's so positive that you're not keeping them bottled up inside your head, but sharing them. I also wonder about those things, so you're not alone in that. I know it's hard to stay positive, but I will say that those thoughts will pass and as hard and sad as they feel, they will ebb and flow. I know that's not much comfort, but please know that I'm thinking about you and hoping that things start to look up.