Good news first: negative for Sjogren's and lupus. Whew. As for the rest of my bloodwork, I was low-ish in iron and vitamins A, B, and D, but not officially deficient in anything. The bad news then, I guess, is that I have pretty much no more information about what's wrong with me. Part of me was kind of hoping to have some (treatable) red flag pop up in my bloodwork that would shed light on everything that's been happening. No such luck, unfortunately, and I'm pretty much back where I started.
I don't really have anything else to post about. I'm just sad. I want answers. I want to feel better. I'm trying so hard to eat well, but this damn medication is making me fat. I know I promised you guys I wouldn't whine anymore...oops. Last week I was feeling way more positive and less down-in-the-dumps, but now things just seem crappy again. It's not even my mind that's pooping out on me this time, it's my body. I hurt and I'm tired and I can't see. Things aren't getting any better, and I really can't imagine living the rest of my life like this.
I've never been suicidal (like, not ever, so nobody get freaked out or anything) but sometimes I think about dying. Like, what would happen? Would that make things suck less? No worries, I'm not going near any afterlife/heaven/hell/reincarnation/etc. theological debates with a fifty-foot pole, but sometimes I wonder what happens next and whether things would be any better for me. Anytime the thought of dying crosses my mind, though, I start thinking about my parents, and my brother, and my roommate, and my best friend P back home, and my uncle M who used to drive me to Dr. R's office last year before I got my car. And then I think about my car, and wonder, who would drive him if I weren't there? (Yes, my car's a dude. You can call him Sam.) Who would pack up all the books in my trunk? (There's a small library back there. Sam's a trooper.) What would my thesis advisor do on Mondays at four o'clock? What would R do on Friday mornings? And what would he do with my file, since he and J wouldn't need it anymore?
I'm not gonna kill myself, pleasepleaseplease no one get worried or scared or anything silly like that. Sometimes I just find myself wondering about this stuff a lot. I'm really scared of feeling terrible forever.