Saturday, April 14, 2012

Exercise Revisited

Well, I'm still not exercising. That's over five months of being pretty much completely sedentary. True, I walk around campus during the day, but not excessively and not any more than I really need to for getting myself from one place to another. For now, I don't think I walk any more or less than any other college student would on a biggish campus.

Here's the summary: For years, I've been a runner. I ran lots all last year and over the summer until I hurt my hip, when I switched to swimming/biking/elliptical-ing. When I got back to school in the fall, I continued biking a lot, plus added some running back in; in general, I was pretty obsessive about it. Then in November, my heel/Achilles tendon started KILLING me and I could barely walk, much less run or work out at all. So I abruptly quit going to the gym and haven't been back since. I can objectively report that this is the longest stretch I've gone without regular exercise in at least seven or eight years.

At first, it really really sucked. I felt constantly fat and antsy and miserable. Without the chance to blow off some steam every morning, I was literally crawling out of my skin. Plus, my foot took FOREVER to heal. Like, I was still limping in January, more than a full two months after I originally got hurt. Since then, it's finally gotten a lot better and now I'm almost ready (knock on wood) to pronounce it cured. Other than the occasionally twinge, it feels fine.

Throughout this whole saga, I've been absolutely terrified about gaining weight. It didn't (still sort of doesn't) seem possible to reduce the calories-out half of the equation and not gain weight. Despite all that, I pretty much kept my intake the same, even increased a tiny bit, and my weight held steady for a few months. Sometime during the winter, though, it started creeping up. Maybe there's a bit of a delay? Maybe my metabolism's just funky? Anyway, it didn't increase a ton (i.e. less than five pounds) but it still freaked me out. In January, I got my period for the first time in nine months, and I'm really curious as to whether or not cutting the exercise had anything to do with that.

Then I got sick over my spring break, lost some weight, and that's basically where I am now.

There were several weeks in there somewhere when I was okay with not exercising. It almost felt nice to take a break and not have that constant internal pressure to get my butt to the gym. But lately, I've been really missing it. Actually, I miss running outside most of all. The weather has been absolutely beautiful and all I see are other runners everywhere I go. It isn't painful to watch anymore like it used to be, but seeing runners definitely reminds me that I used to do that, and I used to love it.

At this point, I'm thinking about exercising again in a vague, noncommittal way. Like, I haven't set a date for when I plan to start back up again or anything like that, but it's in back of my mind, nagging at me, getting louder and louder all the time. And it doesn't necessarily feel like an ED urge, I promise, although I definitely need to be careful of that. It feels more like me wanting to do something that I've always done, even during my healthiest times, and that I want to do again because it makes me feel good.

My therapist and dietician have not given me the green light to resume exercise, although I also haven't really pushed the issue with them since my foot has kept me from working out for so long anyway. But I did work out all last fall, which they knew about and didn't forbid me from doing. At my appointment yesterday, R did mention that I really shouldn't be running until I put some weight back on, but he mused about whether or not the exercise would help increase my appetite and make the meal plan look a bit more palatable. (Obviously I would need to replace any additional calories burned off.)

I guess my biggest concerns now are that A) I'm worried about getting hurt again, and B) I'm worried about getting obsessed again. I don't know how to exercise without finding myself stuck in the pattern of needing to do more each day than I did the day before. All last summer and fall, I was incredibly obsessive and ritualistic about my workouts, to the point where my day would be absolutely ruined if I didn't get a good workout in. I would arrange my days around my workouts, and I would hate myself for missing one. To be clear: I don't want to go back to that. But being in shape also makes me feel strong and powerful, and I miss that so much.

9 comments:

  1. I am the same as you in that I have always been athletic and always genuinely loved running and the feelings of strength and power and calm that running brings. I'm also like you in that it got obsessive in some ways during my ED and that it got me injured. Let me tell you that I did end up taking 2 years off of exercise (and only a fraction of that time off was a time when I needed to gain weight. Most of that time was getting my eating really good and separate from the exercise). Rest assured, now I run again and I know how to separate running from eating, it's not obsessive at all, etc. I guess I share this with you just to state that I empathize with the wanting so badly to return to something that you love and I empathize with it not being an ED urge. I will tell you that just because it's not an ED urge (which I believe it may not be) doesn't mean it's a good idea to do when you're still in pretty early stages of recovery. I actually didn't return to running until very late stages of recovery. I will tell you that there will come a time when you can run again and you don't have hesitations about it (will I get injured? Will I be able to limit it? etc.) and people around you won't feel all "red-flaggy" about it either. And when that time comes, you'll know that you'll still have to monitor yourself, but you'll know that you can exercise again. If you and your team decide it's best to not run for now, then rest assured that you will be able to run again some day. Recovery requires lots of patience.

    If you were your own client or your own daughter, what would you advise yourself?

    As for running as a way to increase your appetite... You know yourself best so only you know if that might work... but I'll tell you that once a friend suggested I sign up to run a race with her in hopes that if I started running more I would surely have to eat more. That was a disaster. Just my experience, but use my experience to take care of yourself...

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  2. ps: sorry I always comment so much. i don't mean to come across as a "know it all" about recovery. i know my recovery and that's all. We are all different. I will hold back more from now on.

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    1. hey Laura - please don't ever apologize! I appreciate all your comments and advice SO MUCH and I find them really really helpful. You are great at framing things in a way that I wouldn't have otherwise thought of. Seriously, no need to hold back at all. I'm always so happy to hear about your recovery and how well you're doing too.

      You're right about the appetite thing - in the past, I haven't always eaten more to compensate for running, so I might just end up burning more calories without taking extra in. That's probably a sign that exercise isn't such a great idea yet, although it helps to remember that this isn't forever and running will always be there when I decide to start again.

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  3. I kind of agree with Laura. I think it's interesting that you want to return to feeling "strong and powerful" but that you're having a hard time being at a healthy weight. That's kind of the main way you feel strong and powerful :) That being said, I personally love exercise (although returning to running wasn't in the cards for me after my ED) and I definitely feel more balanced when I'm exercising (as in, I actually want to eat because I'm actually hungry.)

    I might suggest something like (somewhat expensive) yoga classes...maybe schedule yourself to go 1-2x/week and say you're going to try that and no additional exercise for a month or two months. It could give you the sense of accomplishment and routine that exercise gives, and maybe help a little with appetite while the expense component and scheduled component could keep you from going overboard. Plus, it's different enough from running that you would be creating a new routine, not settling back into an old routine and train of thought, and you probably wouldn't irritate your injury again. Just an idea? (I did yoga during recovery and it was SUCH a helpful thing for me!)

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  4. By the way...I just wanted to say that it's awesome that you are being so thoughtful about this and not just listening to that base instinct of "EXERCISE NOW!" You do a really good job of stepping back and analyzing your thoughts. I think you're really smart and hard working! :) I respect you a lot.

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    1. aww sarah, I'm blushing! and thanks for the yoga tip, I'll definitely give that a try. My best friend and I did yoga on the beach one morning on vacation and it was amazing. That might have been more because of the scenery than the yoga though...

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  5. I agree with Sarah about how your thoughtfulness and ability to step back... very awesome!

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  6. It's really great that you're putting so much thought into this. I'm sure that'll work to your benefit no matter when you resume exercising. Also, keeping in mind how much you don't want to return to the obsessive pattern of thinking around it might help to do it for enjoyment, rather than compulsive need. Maybe once R gives you the green light, you can work together to come up with a flexible schedule that includes some running, but also other types of exercise to make sure it's balanced and healthy for you, rather than obsessive and overly-scheduled. Good luck!

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    1. I think R is definitely open to the idea of working with me on the exercise front, especially if I'm willing to be cautious and go slow with it. It might be really productive if we sat down and had an honest conversation about it. Thanks!

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