Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Status Update

The facts:
1) I have lost weight.
2) I am currently at my lowest weight in a year.
3) I am not eating enough to maintain - much less gain - although my weight has been holding pretty steady the last couple weeks (i.e. my metabolism sucks at the moment).

Why this is bad:
1) I had begun to make progress in recovery over the last few months, and now I'm going backwards.
2) Restricting makes my eye problems a lot worse. Finals are coming up and this would be a really inconvenient time to go blind.
3) There are lots of other obvious health reasons that I don't feel like outlining now (including but not limited to: heart/bone/fertility-related stuff).
4) My internship starts in about six weeks, and I cannot let myself get too sick to work.
5) I want to be a grown-up, not a patient.

The plan:
1) Eat more. I'm not trying to be flippant here - this really is the first step. Doesn't matter if I get in the two Boosts a day or finish the whole meal plan, but I need to start taking in more than I currently am.
2) Do not start exercising yet. I should probably do another post on this soon, but I haven't formally worked out in almost five months. Recently, I've been thinking about starting it up again, but I'm not entirely convinced that my motivations aren't ED-fueled at the moment. It probably wouldn't hurt to take my time with that.
3) Get rid of my black skinny jeans that I've recently been able to wriggle back into. They should not fit me, I know this, and wearing them now will only make it harder once they get too tight to button again. I need to suck it up and ignore the fact that I get some sick pleasure out of being able to wear them. What is wrong with me? Seriously, K, just throw out the damn jeans.


  1. Sounds like it's been a tough stretch. I think your plan to get back on track is a good one, all that's left is to execute! You can do it! I totally hear ya on the skinny jeans, I'm the exact same way. I really struggle with knowing my "sick pants" shouldn't fit me, and feeling good when they do fit me. Maybe it's time for a trip to Goodwill for a donation, just to get them out of your home and hopefully they'll be "out of sight, out of mind." Good luck and take care!

    1. Agreed, clothes can be super triggering. I have a really hard time gauging my weight from the mirror alone, so I tend to go by how my jeans fit. I still have way more skinny clothes than I should, so a Goodwill trip is definitely in order.

  2. Hey there! Ok, so, I've thought about how I want to respond to this, and I've decided I'm just going to tell you things that I've learned as I recovered and found myself in this situation. Take what is useful and leave the rest. All of this is said with good intention:

    1. Eating more IS the first and most important step.

    2. It's really simple: If you don't want to have an eating disorder, you can't do eating disorder things. And not eating enough to gain weight IS an eating disorder thing. It's really as simple as that.

    3. If you do not eat a lot more, you WILL end up in a higher level of care; you WILL end up too sick for life. You will.

    4. You are not paralyzed. You are totally capable of opening a Boost Cap and drinking. You are totally capable of brining the food to your mouth, etc. However, your mind may be comprimised and you might not be able to do this on your own. If you can't, that's okay. I've been there too. But, then you need to own up to the fact that you can't and you need to arrange for the support you need: this could come in the following forms (and has come in these forms for me in the past)

    a) set phone alarms to go off for ever meal and snack.

    b) if you are eating less than needed to gain weight, you must agree to call your mom/therapist/friend and tell them you are CHOOSING to restrict and CHOOSING to risk losing your internship and CHOOSING to maybe end up out of school again.

    c) if you do end up skipping or skimping, you need to call someone immediately after and confess and tell them why you restricted.

    d) you need to tell your roommate your weight gain meal plan and you need to eat as many meals/snacks with her as possible.

    e) You need to increase your sessions with R and RD and EAT with them in their sessions.

    If you do not do those steps or other ones that equally work, then you are basically saying that you are willing to give up your summer job and you are willing to be the patient and not the grown up.

    You want to be the grown up - not hte patient. I did too and that motivated me a lot. So, ask yourself, what would a grown up do in this situation?

    1) They would tell their friends this is a dangerous situation.
    2) They would arrange their life so they can't fail - via meal dates, more appintments, being honest, etc.

    And, in the end, if you aren't able to do that.... and you end up in residential treatment or you end up being hospitalized, then that's what happens - and that won't be the end of the world either. No matter what way your journey goes, you will end up recovering. Will it take a hospital stay or residential treatment? It may.

    I believe you will do your very best.

    1. Can I hire you as a full time personal therapist/life coach/motivational speaker?

      You're right - I am completely capable of eating, it's just my mind that is compromised. I never really thought of it that way, but it's so true.

      Thank you for writing that out and putting it so well. I appreciate the advice and support so much.

  3. Well, one day you can! I'm in school now to get my PsyD to become a therapist... but I have 4 more years before I graduate and probably 6 more years until I'm licensed :)

    Also as for the trip to the good will..... DO IT!!! :) And I can say it like that b/c I've been there and had to do it too. Actually, recently, I bought pants that were a size lower than what I'm used to buying these days... and my first thought was, "I'm afraid that I won't fit into these pants anymore if I gain even a pound. What if these pants come to take on so much power that I become so converned with growing out of them that I accidentally go the other way?!" At the end of the day, I see no point in buying pants that cause me to think "these could stop fitting if I gain even a couple of pounds!"... so I didn't buy them.

  4. correction: I tried on pants.... and I didn't buy them.

  5. Oh - another clothes comment.... Sometimes, for some people, when you have an ED ... I swear it is possible to imagine your jeans got tight and thus you have surely gained weight. And then... the scale shows a different story. It takes a long time to actually be able to have a reliable perception of your body and of how your clothes are fitting. So, the rule of thumb is this: if you think your clothes are suddenly tight and therefore jump to the conclusion that you've gained weight... don't believe it unless you feel that way pretty consistently for a few weeks. That's what worked for me to stop jumping to the conclusion that my weight had gotten out of control when that was never really happening...