Supplement Quandary

Hi all—I've been wondering if anyone has any advice/insight/actual scientific knowledge about what types of supplements are worth taking. It seems like there is a study out there supporting/refuting the benefits of every possible formulation and I'd rather not waste my money.

The ones I currently take:
—fish oil—at the request of my eye doctor
—probiotics—at the request of my GI doc
—calcium—for the bones thing (I had borderline osteoporosis at my last DEXA scan about 3 years ago, and I don't drink milk)
—multivitamin—just cuz.

i pop bottles

I did have a  B complex in my cabinet for a while and would take it intermittently, although it seemed like overkill since there's vitamin B in my multivitamin. I'm also not super consistent about the probiotics, since they are damn expensive and I am currently poorer than I have ever been in my life. Also, they seem kind of trendy and I'm not totally convinced they do much. Any thoughts about what I should add/ditch? Is the whole vitamin craze just a scam?

9/11

I hate this day. It's really hard to go about life as usual with that giant hole in the middle of lower Manhattan. (Okay, I guess technically there's a Freedom Tower there now.) Even though I no longer live on the East Coast, I am still so acutely aware of that horrible morning. Out here, several states away, people just don't seem as immediately connected to what happened, which feels kind of lonely. I was 10 at the time, and six kids in my class lost parents that day. I was lucky.

Anyways. I guess it's a day to count my blessings.

What I've Been Doing Instead of My Homework

I have truckloads of school work to do, so naturally I've spent the morning:
1) going to the gym
2) cleaning my apartment top to bottom (including but not limited to: scrubbing the toilet, counters, and shower; taking out the garbage and recycling followed by bleaching the garbage can; dusting all surfaces; arranging my textbooks by subject, size, and color; putting away the dishes that have been sitting in my drying rack for the past week; wiping out the inside of my microwave, and clearing out the cabinets)
3) answering all the e-mails labeled NOT IMPORTANT in my inbox
4) plucking my eyebrows
5) sending approximately 17 snapchats
6) starting the novel that has been collecting dust in Kindle for the past month (The Fault in Our Stars by John Green—I HIGHLY recommend this one!!)
7) blogging.

Just felt it was necessary to share the extent of my procrastination/hypocrisy after complaining about all the work I have. Okay, now I'm off to maybe tackle some of it. MAYBE. Haven't vacuumed yet.

Busy Busy

Thanks to everyone who sent comments on my last post. The weight/brain stuff stuff really seems to resonate with people, so I'll say it a million times if it helps: my brain works better after gaining weight. I never would've believed it without experiencing it for myself, and it's a hard thing to articulate, but hugely noticeable and life-changing. So, yeah. Don't trust a hungry brain.

Anyways, gosh. YOU GUYS. Grad school is intense. It's not even so much that the work is hard, since I'm a fast reader and can churn out papers pretty easily—it's just the sheer volume of it. Prioritizing gets tricky when there is so much to do. BUT, it's all good. My classes are interesting and my professors are smarty-pants, and all my classrooms have comfy chairs. So, I'm not really sure what more a girl could ask for.

Plus, my new advisor has turned out to be a total winner and I'm super excited about the research we're doing. The only complication is that his wife is very pregnant (she was due, like, last Tuesday) so he is a tad distracted. Yet somehow he still answers e-mails like a machine and gives tons of guidance and feedback and all that good stuff that mentors are supposed to do. He reminds me a lot of my thesis advisor from last year, who was a BOSS. I suppose I must have a thing for the academic type.

The biggest Issue is that my lifestyle has changed drastically in the last two weeks. I'm almost never home anymore—depending on the day, I might leave at 8 or 9 in the morning and not get back until 8 or 9 at night. So, that's exhausting. Oddly I'm handling all the changes relatively well, and am getting better at packing enough food for the day and being flexible about mealtimes. Eventually, I think I may need to re-evaluate the five-class/two-job thing because I really am completely swamped. But for now I'm sticking with it because A) I want to graduate on time and B) I need the money.

That's the gist of things—school, work, collapse. I've probably spent 50% of the past week at my computer, so I'm going to peace for now. Have a great weekend!

The Weight Cure Revisited

I wrote this post more than six months ago about the mental/emotional improvements I had noticed from weight restoration, and I thought it was time to take stock of how things have been going since then. First off, I suppose I wasn't totally weight-restored at the time of that post, because I have gained another X (more than 3, less than 10) pounds since then without really trying—aka without increasing calories. My weight definitely started to level off after a period of steady gain sometime last winter/spring, but has sort of drifted up to where it is now—definitely a lifetime high, but not massively so. I am solidly in the "healthy" category according to any BMI or ideal body weight chart/calculator. No idea what my body fat percentage is (my old dietician used to measure it), but I would imagine that it is healthy as well.

For the most part, I am still pretty relaxed about food. Well, relatively relaxed. I'm probably more uptight and rigid than most normal people, but still more relaxed than I've been for several years. I eat a healthy but not huge amount of calories a day (yes, I still count calories) and eat a pretty limited range of foods; but again, for me, it's a huge improvement. I eat bread, vegetables, eggs, meat, dairy, nuts, granola bars, cookies, juice, etc. I'm not really opposed to eating any specific foods, but am more just conscious of how things will fit into my self-imposed schedule and calorie limit. I have no real problem eating in restaurants, and am getting better at being spontaneous about it.

My body image is, oddly enough, not a huge source of angst for me. I honestly don't even think about it that much. Maybe because I'm just finally getting used to being this size. It helps a lot for my weight to have finally settled somewhere rather than seeming to climb indefinitely. Even if I'm not super happy or comfortable with the higher number, it's so much easier to cope with a static weight than a constantly moving target.

As I'm writing this, it occurs to me that my eating disorder is, and for the most part always has been, primarily numbers-focused. I have always counted calories and tracked my weight obsessively; I realized years ago that my own perceptions of my body size were skewed, so it was better to rely on the scale than on the mirror. Even now, being at my highest weight ever, a number that once would have sent me into a tailspin just thinking about, I'm okay with how I look. Not thrilled, but okay. And it isn't really on my mind that much. The only thing that really still scares me is the number on the scale going up; even if you told me I'd look HOT with another X lbs, I'd still freak out about the number. No idea why, just the way my brain has been programmed.

I think the best/most significant change I noticed over the past year was ironically a subtle and gradual one: just a general loosening of the reins. I still think about food and weight probably more than the average person, but it doesn't dominate my thoughts by any means. The other health stuff has sort of drowned it out in some ways, but I also feel like gaining weight has let my brain off the hook a bit. Just knowing that they will get fed sufficiently and consistently seems to have made my brain and body settle into less of the fight-or-flight-mode and more of a roll-with-the-punches mode. And it may sound insignificant and lame, but that small shift has totally altered my perspective on almost everything.

School, Work, Life

Well, Life is happening. My past few days have been jam-packed, as in leaving my apartment in the morning and not getting home until 12+ hours later. Between school starting, work, meetings, trying to make new friends, tutoring, etc...not a whole lot of free time anymore! I am taking five classes and working two jobs, so that's maybe unwise in the name of moderation and self-care and all that good stuff—but, I've never really been one for moderation. And for now, I'm loving it all. Just don't want to feel like life is passing me by anymore, you know?

In my masters program, you don't come in with an adviser already chosen, and the first semester is mostly core coursework. But after having such a fantastic research experience with my thesis adviser last year, I decided that I was going to be pushy and find someone to be my mentor early on. Guess I lucked out, because I found someone willing to work with me pretty easily (the young professor I mentioned in my last post). I met with him yesterday, and he seems awesome. He has a few interesting projects going on, and wants to get me as involved in the data analysis/manuscript-writing process as soon as possible. #nerdexcitement

So, things are moving in positive directions all around. Can't believe this was me two weeks ago. Actually I can, because my memory of feeling like that is still so raw and real. But it's more that I can't believe how I've been able to jump into school and hit the ground running despite that, if it makes sense. I tell myself that I am only able to handle things right now and feel optimistic because my pain has been improved for the past week or so, but maybe it's the other way around. Maybe feeling optimistic has allowed me to put the pain aside in my brain and concentrate on the world around me.

Anyway, what I've been up to:
—School, obviously—Classes started this week and I've had four of my five so far—all seem good! Lots of work, but interesting. I had been worried that the masters program wouldn't be as academically rigorous or engaging as undergrad, but so far I'm pleasantly surprised. It's nice to be around smart people again. I had to e-mail one of my professors about missing a class in October, when I'm flying home to see Dr. A, and she was completely understanding and very sweet about it.
—Work—I haven't been working very many hours since classes started, which is unfortunate because my income has dipped significantly and bills are due this week...oops. Luckily I now have a better handle on my schedule, plus the added hours from Job #2, which will hopefully be enough to pull my net worth out of the red.
—Friends—Well, let's be honest; school just started and I don't have a lot of friends yet. But I have lots of friendly acquaintances from classes, and I almost always have someone to eat lunch with and chit-chat with during down time. I also have some friends from undergrad who are here at the law school or the medical school, so I know a decent number of people on campus. Helps to feel more connected and less alone.
—Therapy—I am back to seeing Dr. P weekly after bumping it up for a couple weeks earlier this month. Things are going well and I really feel able to talk about stuff openly and honestly. I've marveled about this before, but I've never felt like that in therapy before.
—Health—Knock on wood, I'm still doing okay. My eyes are great and my pain is improved...for however long that lasts. I feel better having the appointment with Dr. A lined up in a couple months. I am also going back to see this doctor from last fall (oh shit! Now I have two Dr. P's! Gotta think about this one...) in September to hopefully renew my order for PT and get another perspective. Just gotta keep plugging along...

Okey doke, I'm getting a computer headache. Think I've covered the major areas, but if anyone has any burning questions about my rockstar lifestyle, please feel free to ask! Happy Friday, everyone.

Exhausted/Exhilarated

I had a really interesting day yesterday. Partly, because it was so busy and involved lots of driving in circles searching for parking spots, trekking around campus in 95-degree weather, and being flustered. But, everything worked out according to plan.

7:00am - Wake up, drink coffee.
7:15am - Walk to gym, bike for XX minutes, walk home.
8:00am - Shower, eat breakfast, get dressed, guzzle more coffee.
9:00am - Drive to campus transportation office to pick up parking pass.
10:00am - Tutoring on campus.
11:00am - Pick up sandwich for lunch, walk to Grad Program Building to print resumes, scarf down sandwich, try to make myself presentable.
12:00pm - Mingle awkwardly at job fair; shove resumes at people.
1:00pm - Drive to Other Campus for work.
2:30pm - Leave work, drive back to Main Campus for a meeting with a professor.
3:30pm - Back to my office on Other Campus for more work.
3:35pm - Realize I have a CRIPPLING headache. Buy a cup of coffee from the vending machine, guzzle, still have headache, realize I left my Excedrin at home, curse.
6:30pm - Drive home, collapse.
8:30pm - Wake up, discover I have nothing for dinner, curse some more, make a pb&j, wonder when I will become a grown-up and start cooking grown-up food.
10:30pm - Try to finish my reading for class tomorrow...instead, end up taking a little pre-bedtime snooze on the couch.
12:00am - Bedtime for real.

Days like these usually stress me out beyond belief because of so many moving parts and so many possibilities for error/lateness/etc., but I actually had a GREAT day. I think I got myself a good work-study position (in addition to my current, non-work study job) doing research with a youngish but super  smart, enthusiastic professor. In my short experience in graduate school, I have learned that tenure-track faculty are excellent employers because they want to publish as much as possible—and need help doing it. Which means, there are lots of opportunities to get your name on one of their papers.

But the real reason things went so smoothly is because I was essentially pain-free. It was amazing—I've been feeling better the past week or so, which makes sense because I always feel better for a few days before my period and then usually the first couple days of my period, but I always have some pain. But seriously yesterday, the majority of the time I felt completely fine. It was the last day of my period too, so it seems like the good phases are lasting longer and longer each month.

You'd think I could just enjoy it and be thrilled and grateful, right? No...instead, I panicked. It just seemed too good to be true, you know? I started dreading the inevitable moment when things would go downhill again and all my hopes would be totally dashed. After I got home, I spent the evening worrying about how my brain would cope with the disappointment. Because that's basically what happened last month, and clearly I did not handle it well.

Anyways, I'm trying really hard to stay optimistic and just be grateful that I've had a string of good days—a longer string than usual, which can only be an encouraging sign long-term. And maybe the best part is that I am finally getting really excited about school and work and the future. It's been a while since I let myself feel that way, and it makes such a difference in how I see the world around me.