The anxiety lifted a tad for a day or two, then re-descended again last night so, here I am again. Because my old psychiatrist no longer takes my insurance, I finally contacted the campus health center about seeing one of their psychiatrists....and unfortunately there are no openings until December. Which frankly does me no good, considering there's no way I can keep this up for another six weeks. They provided me a list of outside providers, which I'm going to send to Dr. P for a recommendation. And hope that one of them takes my insurance and has something sooner. In the meantime, I am debating starting to taper up on a leftover bottle of Celexa (when I e-mailed my old psychiatrist, she said this was perfectly safe), assuming it will take a few weeks to kick in anyway, but I want to make sure I have enough to last until my first appointment so I don't have to stop cold-turkey and experience the HORROR of SSRI-withdrawal brain zaps.
Anyway, Dr. P and I had another conversation about medication today—her assuring me that weight gain is extremely unlikely, me freaking out about weight-gain/everything, and both of us agreeing on the fact that there is something really screwy going on in my head right now.
Mostly unrelated: I had a doctor's appointment the other day (needed a referral to my ophthalmologist) and got weighed for the first time in a LONG time. *******Okay, so actually I just went back and checked—I stopped weighing myself in April 2014, a year and a half ago (interestingly, right around the same time I started to consider tapering off Celexa). Now, body image is not as horrible and urgent a problem as it used to be, though I do still worry about my weight. I just always assume I'm gaining (because how the heck could I not be getting unbelievably fat by eating healthfully and not restricting, right???). But whaddya know, my weight was basically the same as it was eighteen months ago, maybe even a couple pounds lower. And I just had this overwhelming sense of freedom...like wow, maybe I don't have to be afraid of this anymore. Hard to describe. Also hard to believe that I feel this way about a weight double digits over what used to be my own self-imposed "highest weight I could ever tolerate without jumping off a cliff." Just for reference: I am currently at a BMI smack in the middle of the 'normal' range. Funny how that works out.
This dating thing is a rollercoaster, amiright ladies?? After the boy (he may get an initial soon...) and I had a great time last Saturday, we texted a couple times but then it dropped off so I was all like I MUST BE TOO UGLY FOR LOVE. But then on Wednesday night, he called. Like on the phone. I KNOW. Anyway, we're going out again on Saturday night. BE STILL, MY HEART.