The anxiety lifted a tad for a day or two, then re-descended again last night so, here I am again. Because my old psychiatrist no longer takes my insurance, I finally contacted the campus health center about seeing one of their psychiatrists....and unfortunately there are no openings until December. Which frankly does me no good, considering there's no way I can keep this up for another six weeks. They provided me a list of outside providers, which I'm going to send to Dr. P for a recommendation. And hope that one of them takes my insurance and has something sooner. In the meantime, I am debating starting to taper up on a leftover bottle of Celexa (when I e-mailed my old psychiatrist, she said this was perfectly safe), assuming it will take a few weeks to kick in anyway, but I want to make sure I have enough to last until my first appointment so I don't have to stop cold-turkey and experience the HORROR of SSRI-withdrawal brain zaps.
Anyway, Dr. P and I had another conversation about medication today—her assuring me that weight gain is extremely unlikely, me freaking out about weight-gain/everything, and both of us agreeing on the fact that there is something really screwy going on in my head right now.
Mostly unrelated: I had a doctor's appointment the other day (needed a referral to my ophthalmologist) and got weighed for the first time in a LONG time. *******Okay, so actually I just went back and checked—I stopped weighing myself in April 2014, a year and a half ago (interestingly, right around the same time I started to consider tapering off Celexa). Now, body image is not as horrible and urgent a problem as it used to be, though I do still worry about my weight. I just always assume I'm gaining (because how the heck could I not be getting unbelievably fat by eating healthfully and not restricting, right???). But whaddya know, my weight was basically the same as it was eighteen months ago, maybe even a couple pounds lower. And I just had this overwhelming sense of freedom...like wow, maybe I don't have to be afraid of this anymore. Hard to describe. Also hard to believe that I feel this way about a weight double digits over what used to be my own self-imposed "highest weight I could ever tolerate without jumping off a cliff." Just for reference: I am currently at a BMI smack in the middle of the 'normal' range. Funny how that works out.
This dating thing is a rollercoaster, amiright ladies?? After the boy (he may get an initial soon...) and I had a great time last Saturday, we texted a couple times but then it dropped off so I was all like I MUST BE TOO UGLY FOR LOVE. But then on Wednesday night, he called. Like on the phone. I KNOW. Anyway, we're going out again on Saturday night. BE STILL, MY HEART.
I'm so sorry your anxiety has returned. I really hope you're able to start seeing someone soon and can get relief. I know it's also tempting to look online to see about meds and weight changes, etc, but I would try to not do that and talk to your new psych when you get one. If you're tempted to look it up online, maybe search kittens or something. I've found my psychiatrists to be a much better source for side-effect info, especially when they can show me their big book of drugs and I can see the documented side effects for myself.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on having a chill reaction to your weight! Also, I'm glad you had such a good date! The emotional rollercoaster is really hard, and I hope it levels off soon! Hang in there!