Lots floating around in my head these days.
- what my ED status is
- what my weight is
- whether I should go back on an SSRI
- whether I am legitimately insane
- what my PhD research agenda will end up looking like
- whether my beloved advisor will get tenure
- how strapped financially I'll be this year/the next four years
- why I am about to turn 25 and it still feels like I have absolutely nothing figured out
:( sounds like some tough stuff moving around in your brain! I will say that grad school at least makes the last one feel a bit less painful? Please let me know if I can help or support you in any way! This is all difficult stuff to be dealing with. Hang in there, friend!
ReplyDeletethanks dear. I'm not super duper troubled by feeling old per se, just more feeling like: why does everything STILL feel so hard when I am supposed to be adult? In fact, why does some stuff feel harder??? Thank you for the kind words, hope you're doin okay too
DeleteThese questions all sound about right for a recovering person in their mid 20-s who is in PhD school ;)
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I ended up going back on an SSRI and am very happy with that decision. I have no intention of every going off again. Interestingly, when I first went on Lexapro, I needed 40 mg (which is a huge dosage for Lexapro) for it to have an effect. I went off. Later, I needed to go back on but I only needed 20 mg to feel like it helped. I went off. Now I back on and only need 10 mg. So I have yet to see where the story of me and Lexapro takes me, but I think it's interesting that my dosage goes down and down. I assume it is related to an increase in mental training and tools.
That's v interesting about Lexapro. I was on Celexa for 2+ years and it helped with anxiety, but then I became convinced it had caused weight gain so I took myself off it. Now my depression/anxiety is bad enough again that I am considering going back on something, but yikes I am so freaked out about weight gain I don't know if I can bring myself to take the plunge. Every time I convince myself I'm ready to give it a go, I read something online that freaks me out and makes me change my mind.
DeleteCelexa and Lexapro are very similar. Lexapro definitely helps me with obsessive thinking and anxiety within 1 - 2 weeks of starting it. Of course I can't say with certainty if celexa caused weight gain for you or not, but could it be that celexa helped with obsessive thinking and anxiety and, as a result, you were able to eat an appropriate amount and therefore gained weight your body wanted to gain? I also think our bodies in early recovery (early being defined as the first 3 years? maybe more?) don't always make logical sense. Sometimes they gain weight despite no shift in exercise/food. Sometime they gain weight despite increase in exercise and/or decrease in food. I think we have to allow for a period of our bodies "finding themselves." So maybe your body was finding itself rather than it being the celexa. (Again, don't actually know, just hypothesizing). For me, my body gained weight and then lost some and ultimately settled. (Although now I'm pregnant so who knows what that'll mean going forward for where my weight settles - although the cool thing is that it doesn't really matter to me. I don't plan on trying to "Get my body back" after birth - but that's a tangent!) Anyway, I hate anxiety so much that I'd be willing to gain some weight if it meant feeling relief from anxiety. Maybe if you went on celexa and continued to stay off the scale you'd have a different experience? You also might have a different experience just being farther into recovery - both physically and mentally.
DeleteYOU'RE PREGNANT! CONGRATULATIONS!!! That's so amazing. I am so happy for you and the hubs. And thank you for always being the voice of reason to my insanity - much appreciated. I think one of the things that freaks me out so much is that I am, for the first time in a very long time, feeling genuinely okay about my weight and body image - and I like it! - but I worry that going back on medication (whether it causes weight changes or not) will dredge up all those old obsessions. I'm worrying about worrying, essentially. Dear lord.
DeleteAnyway, thanks v much. Sending you and the baby many happy healthy good vibes!
Thanks! 6 months pregnant with a baby boy :-D
DeleteI think it's awesome you feel protective of your (relatively) newfound more positive relationship with your body, and I understand being fearful of jeopardizing that. If you do decide to take the SSRI....If you remember why you want to keep up the decrease in obsession with body, then if the SSRIs trigger old obsessions, you can actively work to not follow them. It's cool to see you pretty committed to yourself and your well being :)
You have a lot of things moving in your life right now; the good and bad news is that I think even people who seem successful and well-adjusted on the outside often struggle with a lot of similar "what am I and what am I doing" questions. You are not insane, you're in a big transition with starting a new grad program, meeting tons of new people, tossing around all kinds of new ideas, thinking more about the big picture of your life, etc. It might be abnormal to not be asking yourself some of these questions in such a situation. One thing that is certain, though, is that you are a strong, intelligent, compassionate, funny, hardworking lady, and you will succeed no matter what path you find yourself on. I hope you can start some treatment strategy that will help you get that anxiety and depression under control -- you don't deserve to live like that at all. I think I remember you mentioning that you tried a couple of other SSRIs before Celexa, right, would you want to start back on Celexa or try a new one? Laura is right, it's hard to draw conclusions from what our bodies do in recovery; sometimes weight shifts happen with no apparent explanation. I think learning to take that in stride is one of the biggest but most important hurdles to get over.
ReplyDeleteTake care, I hope you're having a good weekend!
Also, book rec: 'The Interestings' by Meg Wolitzer
I think I may be underestimating the stressors of all the recent big life changes that have happened/are happening. It doesn't feel that momentous since I am living in the same city, same apartment, going to the same school, studying the same subject, etc....but still, it's a whole new program with whole new expectations and norms and pressures. Definitely an adjustment, and maybe it has been taking a mental toll. And yeah, the other members of my cohort are 3-15 years older than me, so it really brings up a lot of thoughts about where I am in my life, where I'll be, all the events that may/may not happen along the way, etc. Anyway thanks for the kind words, you're the best. I'll be sending you lots of scholarly test-taking vibes this week.
DeleteQuarterlife crisis -- it's normal. :) You're supposed to feel completely and utterly confused. There's even a book on the topic. But you're on a good path. :)
ReplyDeleteHahah thanks. Everyone told me it was coming....the dreaded 2-5. Someday I'm sure I'll look back and like "ahh to be 25 again.."
DeleteI just turned 39. I have exactly that thought!
ReplyDelete