Sunday, October 18, 2015

Anxiety/Life Updates

Very grateful for all the anxiety advice. I'm still not doing great in that regard, but do feel a bit better about being able to name it for what it is, acknowledge the fact that I am not okay, and somewhat have a plan for moving forward. Dr. P is supposed to call me with a recommendation for a new psychiatrist, and in the meantime I am gong to e-mail my old one (she no longer takes my insurance, unfortunately) about either possibly seeing her on a sliding scale or getting a recommendation for someone new. I do like that she is so easy to contact via e-mail and is always willing to toss around ideas, go back over my records, and do some research on my behalf. Back a couple years ago when I was juggling several different doctors/medications, she actually got on the phone with another doctor who was giving me bad advice and told that loser what was up. I have a long memory for someone who goes to bat for me like that.

Anyway. I think the thing that is wearing on me the most about the anxiety right now is that things are going great. I love school, my classes are tough but engaging, I like my professors and my classmates, my advisor and I are tight as ever, we got two papers published in the last month, I just got accepted to present at a big conference in a couple months, and there's a new boy. And with all that, I just hate wasting all this time and energy feeling miserable. Yes I am paranoid about gaining weight on a medication, but I am more motivated to take this thing by the horns and get back to my old self. Life should be really good right now.

So yeah.....there's a boy! We've gone out twice now—both involving coffee, long walks, and talking for about five hours straight without coming up for air. He's a little shy which created major internal anguish, i.e. he didn't text me after the first date and I was feeling very insecure...I agonized for three days then decided to be brave and text him, which was all the prompting he needed to ask me out the second time! We are still taking our time and getting to know each other, but I am definitely in a place where I like hanging out with him, we get along great, and I can't wait to see him again :) Those are all good signs, right?

Alrighty folks, hope everyone has a great week. More soon.

5 comments:

  1. Hey! I never had a chance to comment on your last post, but I wanted to say that I could have written your last post. Anxiety for me has been more of a post-eating disorder struggle. I fixate on similar things I think you do (things related to health), and I feel stuck in a panic-like doom that makes me not present and almost paralyzed. It's scary and physiologically very uncomfortable.... and I can't stop my brain from producing thoughts that feel so real. Thankfully, this isn't my every day anymore, but I remember phases of anxiety like this so well (and really not in the distant past at all), that I just really empathize with how deep and uncomfortable the anxiety struggle is. In fact, for me, I think that this level of anxiety has been worse than having an eating disorder. I remember feeling anxious to this degree and thinking "I wish my obsession was over weight and feeling fat because at least then I wouldn't be afraid of my own health." I also remember thinking "I wish I had depression instead." Of course my non-anxious mind knows that depression and eating disorders are equally horrible, but the fact that I had thoughts like that just shows how terrible and painful severe anxiety is. I'm gonna be a med pusher for a second: I REALLY REALLY notice a difference with Lexapro (and you take Celexa I think and Lexapro and Celexa are basically the same. The same types of people get prescribed them - all the anxious, obsessive people get Lexapro or Celexa as the SSRI of choice I've noticed). I was ambivialent for a while about meds, but after experiencing severe anxiety like you describe, I now plan to never go off Lexapro. Lexapro + some exercise in the outside air (even just a 30 min walk, nothing major) = life saver for my anxiety. Other things that have helped is actually yoga, which I have always hated. I have come to think of it not as exercise but as moving meditation. I move my body to my breathe (inhale = movement; exhale = movement) and what that does for me is it takes my attention off of my catastrophic thoughts or uncomfortable physiological sensations and it gives me another focus point. It helps me calm down. Another thing that has helped me is craniosacral therapy. I discovered it in a time of severe anxiety. I was willing to try anything. Although there's no research about how/why/if it works, it has worked for me. I also swear by EMDR for my anxiety... and I believe it played a big role in helping me cultivate the belief that I am healthy in body and in mind... which is now a grounding belief to stop the anxiety spin. Just some rambling thoughts!

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    1. Thank you. This helps so much. You are right that the anxiety is scary and so uncomfortable, and even when I know it's irrational, I can't stop myself from being afraid. It's mostly health-related catastrophizing right now—interpreting every tiny thing as a potential precursor of some horrible, chronic, incurable condition. This is probably somewhat of a relic from the nerve pain and eye problems I suffered with for two years - they both started off as what seemed like small and simple issues, then morphed into these huge horrible medical mysteries. So I'm a little traumatized from that. I keep trying to remember that those were the results of years of malnutrition and overexercise. I am in nearly perfect health right now, and there is no reason to believe any major scary diseases are lurking beneath the surface.

      Anyway, thanks for all your suggestions. I would love to learn more about some of the alternative things you tried for anxiety—do you mind if I send you an e-mail (I have your address from a couple years ago, as long as it hasn't changed)?

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    2. Yes! For sure e-mail me! We can talk anxiety more. I'm glad you have my e-mail address.

      Also, I relate to you on the trauma of health conditions leading to health-related anxiety obsessions. I had a terrible allergic reaction to a medication and, since then, my anxiety is very health-related as well.

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  2. I am really glad that you're being proactive about tackling this anxiety, because you're right, you deserve a lot better, especially with all the cool stuff going on in your life right now (congrats on the Boy! He's super lucky that you're interested in him). I definitely know what you mean about still feeling miserable even when, objectively, it seems like things are going great. It's a frustrating and kind of bleak feeling. I'm glad your old psychiatrist is so accessible and hope she is either able to adjust fees or recommend someone else that's good. Hang in there, you're a rock star and you're doing all of the right things.

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    1. Thanks C. Yeah, it is really kicking my butt and I'm tired of it. Still working on the psychiatrist issue, but luckily I have a wonderful therapist and a wonderful mama bear to lean on in the meantime.

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