I suppose my anxiety isn't exactly inexplicable, since my life is currently very stressful and there are LOTS of things that could be causing my anxiety. Still, it feels like this icky, sick, nervous, fluttery feeling came out of nowhere. The other night, I couldn't get to sleep because my mind was preoccupied by a million different things, and I ended up bursting into tears alone in the dark. Obviously, I didn't sleep very well, and was a tired cranky wreck the next day. Last night, I slept for about nine hours and woke up feeling much more refreshed, but still have that nagging sense that something bad is going to happen.
Trying to be rational about things. A couple things going on:
1) I have tons and tons of work - both school work and work work, and I'm having a hard time feeling on top of everything. I'm also grappling with that sense of wanting to volunteer for everything and throw myself in headfirst, but knowing that neither my physical nor mental health are anywhere near robust enough for that.
2) I saw a huge bug in my apartment the other night. Don't laugh. It's incredible how freaked out this made me. I'm embarrassed and baffled and disgusted by how much it scares me, and how much I'm still worrying about it. I am constantly catastrophizing about a roach infestation. Suddenly it feels like my apartment isn't a safe, clean place anymore. Then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong in an apartment, or a house, and how am I ever going to be a functional grown-up who is responsible for these things?
3) I have no money.
Doing my best to stay okay and hope this is just a random fluke period of insanity. My college roommate is coming to stay this weekend and at first I was stressed about having to host her, but now I'm glad she'll be here to keep me company.
Take care, everyone.
Are we twins, because this so sounds like my week/day. Not so much the bug, but I have DEFINITELY been there when something gross invades your space. You should read the post about when a lizard got into my room. The mountain of work is just getting bigger, but take a step back and look at what you've done so far. Are your grades well, is your work performance steady? Remember to be proud of those little things that add up to the big stuff. Take care hon.
ReplyDeleteyou are very sweet, thanks for making me feel tremendously better/less crazy. I hear ya on the mountains on work but yes, I tend to lose sight of the big picture. Hope you're doing well and have a less-intense week ahead.
Deleteps I just found your post about the lizard....good lord that sounds AWFUL AND TERRIFYING. Don't think I could have handled that.
DeleteThat nagging anxiety totally sucks. :( Grad school tends to be like that because there's never a moment where everything is done. There's always something more going on. I really feel for you. What I've found helps with that is making sure to take time for your, and remember that you don't have to be on every single committee or be involved in every single thing. I know that's hard when you enjoy these things and want to be involved, but time for yourself is just as, if not more, important! I really hope the workload decreases and that you have fun with your former roommie! And that you guys can slay the giant bugs together if there are any more!
ReplyDeleteYes! never a moment when I can just sit back with a big sigh of relief because there is always something else to be working on. I remember feeling like this in college too, but not so acutely and I was never so intimidated by the workload (whoa, autocorrect tried to make that "warlord" ....hmm, seems appropriate...)
DeleteAnyways, thanks and it's nice to hear that from someone who has made it through grad school and totally kicked butt :)