Given how tough the last couple years have been, I am—by many accounts—doing very well. After many months of feeling extremely low and hopeless, I now cry very rarely and would not consider myself at all Depressed. In fact, lots of the time, I'm pretty happy.
But. Sometimes I feel like there's something missing. I don't know what it is. I partly feel like I can't fully engage and fully throw myself into enjoying life and embracing opportunities because who knows when things will take a turn for the worse again? The pain is better but still a pretty significant Quality of Life issue. The fatigue is somewhat better but I still feel like I could use an extra 4 hours of sleep per day. My mood is WAY better but sometimes I get lonely.
I've been reading this book about introverts and extroverts:
It is making me think a lot about how I live and socialize. I love being around people and I'm not shy, but I am hugely introverted. Socializing is exhausting for me. I have friends, although I'm definitely more of a few-close-friends than huge-crew type. I can't really tease out how much is truly my personality, how much is natural aging/maturity, and how much was altered by the anorexia, depression, anxiety, and medical problems, but I am very different now than I was in high school or even the early part of college. I am quieter, more withdrawn, less spontaneous and less willing to try new things. Not exactly conducive to meeting new people and starting new relationships, you know?
And this is dumb, but I've suddenly developed a fear of never finding That Someone—I haven't dated since breaking up with my ex almost two years ago, and it is suddenly hitting me how many of my new classmates came out of college with a boyfriend or girlfriend. The rational part of my head keeps trying to remind me that I'm only 22 and that most people haven't exactly settled down yet, but the other part of me feels like I missed my chance. It's hard to hear about my old roommate talk about her new boyfriend and going hiking with new grad school friends while I'm just happy to make it through the day on an even keel. I feel like I've lost so much of myself this past year, and have missed so many opportunities to connect with people.
Anyways, this post turned into kind of a downer, sorry. I really am doing okay, just thinking a lot and wanting to make the most of things.