Sunday, September 15, 2013

Happier But Wanting More

Hi all—I've been having a pretty nice, almost relaxing weekend! I had a bunch of papers due between Wednesday and Friday, plus I turned in another big project to my advisor yesterday morning, so I had more of a chance to kick back compared to last weekend when I was totally snowed under with work. Yesterday I went running in a beautiful park near campus, then spent a few hours in the library. In the afternoon, my friend met me at my place and we then headed back over to the park with a blanket and snacks and books. We pretended to read but mostly just goofed off and soaked up the sun. Today, I went for another run before a phone date with my college roommate. I spent the afternoon working, then came home and took a nice long nap. So yeah, this life ain't so bad.

Given how tough the last couple years have been, I am—by many accounts—doing very well. After  many months of feeling extremely low and hopeless, I now cry very rarely and would not consider myself at all Depressed. In fact, lots of the time, I'm pretty happy.

But. Sometimes I feel like there's something missing. I don't know what it is. I partly feel like I can't fully engage and fully throw myself into enjoying life and embracing opportunities because who knows when things will take a turn for the worse again? The pain is better but still a pretty significant Quality of Life issue. The fatigue is somewhat better but I still feel like I could use an extra 4 hours of sleep per day. My mood is WAY better but sometimes I get lonely.

I've been reading this book about introverts and extroverts:


It is making me think a lot about how I live and socialize. I love being around people and I'm not shy, but I am hugely introverted. Socializing is exhausting for me. I have friends, although I'm definitely more of a few-close-friends than huge-crew type. I can't really tease out how much is truly my personality, how much is natural aging/maturity, and how much was altered by the anorexia, depression, anxiety, and medical problems, but I am very different now than I was in high school or even the early part of college. I am quieter, more withdrawn, less spontaneous and less willing to try new things. Not exactly conducive to meeting new people and starting new relationships, you know?

And this is dumb, but I've suddenly developed a fear of never finding That Someone—I haven't dated since breaking up with my ex almost two years ago, and it is suddenly hitting me how many of my new classmates came out of college with a boyfriend or girlfriend. The rational part of my head keeps trying to remind me that I'm only 22 and that most people haven't exactly settled down yet, but the other part of me feels like I missed my chance. It's hard to hear about my old roommate talk about her new boyfriend and going hiking with new grad school friends while I'm just happy to make it through the day on an even keel. I feel like I've lost so much of myself this past year, and have missed so many opportunities to connect with people.

Anyways, this post turned into kind of a downer, sorry. I really am doing okay, just thinking a lot and wanting to make the most of things.


  1. It sounds like a really lovely weekend! I'm glad you got to enjoy some sunshine and good company. This isn't a downer post at all. It seems to me like you're ready to move onto a new step in recovery, one that isn't about food/exercise/weight, but about really living your life exactly as you want to. I'm with you on the few-close-friends part, but if you're wanting to be more spontaneous and meet more people, are there some baby steps you can take? I'm guessing there are at least some grad. student social events that take place around campus. Could you challenge yourself to try one of them out and try to stay for X amount of time before leaving? I know it's really challenging when the pain and fatigue are still so present, so go easy on yourself. I think you deserve exactly the kind of life that you want, and then dream even bigger and better!

    Also, I want to acknowledge how amazingly far you've come thus far, so I have no doubt whatsoever that you can get to where you want to be and find that missing thing.

    As for the romantic stuff, I'm probably the worst person to say anything. But in my opinion, there's lots of time for you to find the right one, and plenty of people you have yet to meet in your lifetime. Hard to be patient, but it'll be worth it.

    Aaaaand I wrote a ton again...sorry!

  2. I'm the same way: not a bit shy, but powerfully introverted. I'll have to pick that book up!

    As for finding That One: I think most people who think they *have* found that person before their mid-20s later realize it was a mistake and that they've grown up/apart and have to go find another That One in their mid-20s anyway. Or maybe I'm just jaded. I didn't meet Match until I was just barely shy of 23, and I have plenty of friends who are in their late-20s/early-30s and are fine with not being permanently attached yet (I'd be fine with it if Match weren't around). I think the general trend in our society is to not tie yourself down until later than people generally did in the past. PLUS you are a huge catch and it's worth taking your time to find someone deserving of you!

  3. Huge as in hugely valuable, as in awesome. Did I just make an ED blog faux pas? :(

    1. .......did you just call me fat? HA just kidding, I gotcha. thanks for the perspective and good wishes.