Sunday, July 14, 2013

Watching and Weighing

As mentioned earlier, I joined a gym and have been working out LIGHTLY for the past week or so. I have found that the recumbent bikes are relatively comfortable and don't seem to be making anything any worse, whereas running still makes my hips and back hurt a lot. So! Hopefully for the long haul, I will be able to get back into some sort of fitness routine.


As you may recall, I've grappled with the exercise issue a LOT in the past. I love love love working out because of how it makes me feel, and I have the best, most wholesome, non-ED intentions in the world about getting back into it. But of course, things are never that simple. I made a promise to myself last week that I wouldn't go to the gym two days in a row...of course, the first workout made me feel so amazing that I went again the next day. And on the third day. On the fourth day, I wasn't able to go because I didn't have time; as a result, I spent the entire day feeling lazy and fat and unaccomplished. I pondered cutting calories. I didn't, but I thought about it.

I've made it over a year with zero cardio, and then three days in I suddenly feel like I can't live without it. HI ANOREXIA, THANKS.

That being said, I was able to get myself over that little snag pretty quickly. I took two days off, then worked out two more days in a row. Dr. P and I discussed how three days a week would be a good self-imposed maximum for now, so I only exceeded it by one day. Not SO bad, right? Way better than the X hours X days a week I used to do, which is probably what got caused such a major medical mess in the first place.

Anyways, the best part is that I've been thinking about exercise in a whole new way. It really has no connection to weight loss or caloric burn at this point; I'm just so grateful to be MOVING again, mostly without pain, that my weight hasn't really entered the equation. It is quite freeing, actually, to be pedaling away and not worrying about how much farther, how much longer, how many more calories.... In fact, sometimes it seems like I'm the least weight-conscious person in the gym. See, the bikes are set up right in front near the entrance which is also where they keep—you guessed it—the scale. So as I'm sitting there huffing and puffing, I get to see everyone walk in, scan their membership card, and step on the scale.


It's bizarre, actually. Bizarre Thing #1: I would NEVER EVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS weigh myself in public. I weigh myself at home, in my underwear, first thing in the morning after I've peed and before I've had anything to eat or drink. Which brings me to Bizarre Thing #2: People weigh themselves in sneakers, sweatshirts, holding a water bottle, holding onto the nearby counter for balance, while talking on the name it, I've seen it. How are they not obsessed with precision? How are they comparing numbers from one day to the next, with so many variables? And finally, Bizarre Thing #3: The scale looks about 100 years old. No way that thing is calibrated correctly.

In conclusion, maybe I am still a little obsessed with weight. But at least not my own!

EDIT: To the person who e-mailed earlier today asking about medical stuff, your message randomly disappeared from my inbox...could you resend? Thanks, hope you see this!

1 comment:

  1. I've wondered the same thing about the gym, because back when I was still weighing myself I used almost: EXACTLY your method, first thing in the morning with no clothes, post-pee and pre-shower and -breakfast. At my gym the scale is in the locker room, which is a little more private than out on the floor but still not really--I get a lot of entertainment from watching all the women acting like they're not looking but still trying to see the number when another woman steps onto the thing. People are entertaining if nothing else, right?

    The exercise stuff is SO tough to kick, so I'm glad you're talking to your team about limits are are focused just on enjoying the activity rather than making it part of a numbers game. Go you! Be careful, but it sounds like you're self-aware enough to do this the right way.