Just left therapy with Dr. P and am now feeling, as usual, more mentally refreshed and capable than beforehand. Topics on the agenda today were:
1) Weird blood test results—my creatine phosphokinase (CPK) was hugely elevated, as in more than 10X the normal maximum. The doctor was a little bit baffled when he called with the results last night. He said he was going to "hit the books" and call me back with a plan. From my minimal Googling, it seems like "muscle tissue damage" seems to be the most common culprit of elevated CPK. No idea what that means, and I'm not going to panic.
2) Set point and my ongoing fears of Weight Gain. While my mindset is a hundred million times healthier and more rational than it used to be, I'm still freakishly rigid about eating and track my weight obsessively. I'm nowhere near overweight, but I have gained beyond what I expected. This is a lifetime high for me, and it's hard to say whether or not this is simply where my body wants to be, whether my metabolism is simply taking a long time to regulate itself, or whether there is something else going on. In the meantime, I'm having a hard time justifying my intake and limiting my exercise. Dr. P keeps asking about my thyroid; I have a family history of hypo-(I think?)-thyroidism, but my TSH has been tested twice in the last year and it's always normal. So, that's that.
3) My insecurities about discussing certain symptoms with doctors—namely, weight gain and anxiety/depression. I've filled out more medical history forms, questionnaires, and symptom checklists for doctors in the past year than I can count, and I am usually obsessive about including everything—every niggling symptom, every blood test result, every doctor I've seen, every medication I've taken—except weight gain and anxiety/depression. Why? I guess I just assume that doctors will see my history of anorexia and dismiss my complaints of unexplained weight gain as typical anorexic paranoia. And they may be right, but they may not. And as for the anxiety—yes, I have objectively suffered from anxiety. But when I'm trying to get a doctor to take me seriously, to run more tests, to refer me to other specialists...why in the world would I admit that I have a tendency towards irrational worrying?
Argh. Maybe I am crazy.
Books of the week:
—And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini—I really really really wanted and expected to love this book. His first two books were amazing and beautiful; probably some of the best novels I've ever read. So, I was disappointed in this one. There were soo many characters and plotlines, I couldn't keep them straight and never felt like I really got to know any of them, if that makes sense. As always, Hosseini's writing was eloquent and poetic, but the story wasn't compelling enough to keep me hooked.
—The Rainmaker by John Grisham—I've gone through Grisham phases in the past, and his books are usually good reads. This one was no literary masterpiece, but a perfectly good legal thriller. I know there's a movie version with Matt Damon, which I will start as soon as I finish this week's episode of "The Bachelorette". SHUT UP. #teamchris
It sounds like you've had a ton of stuff to process and deal with and adjust to, and it's understandable that you're still struggling with some of it...it sounds like you really don't trust your body yet (in terms of weight anxiety, what the set point will be, etc), and that will take a lot of time. But remember, a big part about your body stabilizing at a healthy set point is giving your body the care it needs to trust you, so to speak, and cutting calories and letting exercise get out of control again will just be counterproductive for that goal. Not that any of it is in any way simple or easy...hang in there! Really glad you like your new therapist better.
ReplyDeleteI'm fascinated by the CPK results (sorry, I like data), hope they figure out the reason for that!
I liked 'And the Mountains Echoed' but it was different enough from his previous books that I could see why some people didn't. I was OBSESSED with Grisham for a while (when I wanted to be a lawyer way back when), and have found that his earlier work (like The Rainmaker) was a lot better than his more recent stuff. I think my favorites ever were The Firm and The Client.