It's been a pretty monumental week for me, for a couple reasons. 1) I submitted my thesis yesterday. Still have to defend in a couple weeks, but the bulk of the work—eighty-five pages of dis girl's unparalleled wisdom—is DONE. 2) I got into grad school! Big Name University sent me an offer Thursday night, which I opened in class and then proceed to spend the rest of the hour blatantly texting the news from the front row. Sorry Professor K! I think your class is really fun! Thanks for not yelling at me! Even so, the news definitely hasn't sunk in yet and I'm still in a bit of disbelief.
And how did I react to all these wonderful exciting things happening? Did I throw myself a party? Bake myself a cake? Paint the town red? Um, no. I called my mother in tears.
YOU GUYS. I don't know what the hell is up with me. I've just been down and lonely and kind of depressed. Not super bad, like not crying all the time or anything, just down. It's not even so much about the pain, although that definitely contributes. I'm feeling fat and blobby, and just so totally insecure about everything. Maybe it's hormones? I have my period, although I don't think it's ever had such an effect on my mood before.
Anyway, Mama Bear figured something was up when I called her yesterday to say "Hi Mama, guess what? I got into _______ University. Yay!" and then promptly burst into tears.
My mom helped me see that while I may be having a down period now, I've still made tons and tons of progress since last fall when things were the absolute worst they've ever been—physically and emotionally. And even though I may feel super unstable, I definitely have more tools and motivation at my disposal to get back on my feet. For example, I've kept up with my meal plan, got my butt to the gym today, and e-mailed my psychiatrist.
One main issue, like I wrote about earlier, is loneliness. My roommate was out of town Wednesday-Friday, and I spent a lot of time stuck in my head, ruminating about this, that, and the other. I tried really hard this past week to get out and be with people—I saw friends Monday and Thursday nights, and we have some major Post-Thesis Festivities planned for tonight. Then I'm getting lunch with friends on Monday and Tuesday of next week. But while all that stuff does eventually bolster my mood, I always get anxious beforehand. HI INTERNAL CONFLICT.
That all being said, I am still kind of Cloud 9 about the grad school news, and am really trying to bask in that success and keep all the other crap in perspective. And with the thesis done, I'm giving myself a break with schoolwork this weekend (except for that one pesky midterm) and am doing my best to get excited (not anxious) for the partying.
Happy Saturday everyone, hope the weekend is off to a fantastic start.
I'm so thrilled for you and proud of you for your major accomplishments! I know both have been a lot of hard work, and you did it! I'm really sorry it's been an emotional experience as well. At least in my own experience, that happens to me also. There's a huge release of so many emotions and it can just feel very overwhelming. I've bawled after passing each of my defenses and both rounds of prelims, so I definitely hear ya. I think you're absolutely right that you have a lot more tools and skills to handle the down periods--I'm really happy to hear that you've kept up with intake, weight-lifting, and your psych! That shows major growth, girl! Maybe Dr. P can help you work through some of the millions of emotions that seem to come with accomplishments/achieving goals.
ReplyDeleteThe loneliness is so hard! I hope that eases soon. It's good that you've been planning things with friends to try to break out of the loneliness. It can get so easy to just isolate when those feelings hit, so congrats for putting yourself out there! I hope that the partying is more fun than stressful and you can take a much-needed and deserved break from schoolwork with as little stress as possible. And I know it's not the same, but hit me up if/when the loneliness hits--I'm always around. Take care and happy celebrating!
PS. Just realized I wrote a book here--sorry!