Saturday, December 1, 2012

Ophthalmology Magic and a Crisis of Compassion

Wow, December already? Sheesh, not sure where this year has gone. I spent yesterday driving in circles - appointment with R in the morning, and then an emergency appointment with my ophthalmologist in the afternoon. I don't want to jinx it, but New Eye Doctor may or may not be a miracle worker. At first, he was booked all day and I had to schedule with a different one, but then my regular doctor said that if I could wait until he got out of surgery, he would see me. So I had to wait over 90 minutes, but whatever - small price to pay. He worked some voodoo eyeball magic* and today, my eyes feel better than they have in MONTHS. Let's just hope that lasts beyond today!

School is starting to kick my butt a teensy bit. I always forget how much the last two weeks of the semester suck. I will be so happy when this stupid stats class is done - how do professors get away with assigning both a final exam and a final term paper? Since when is that a thing? Dude, pick one. Think of your poor TA who has to do all that grading, not to mention me.

I was a little ashamed of myself in therapy yesterday. Basically, I just put zero effort into engaging whatsoever and shrugged everything off and was generally a big fat baby. I was having trouble articulating stuff, since I feel like Dr. R has already heard it all before. Why harp on the obvious, right? Then I noticed the writing on his little whiteboard from the previous patient. It looked like they'd been mapping thoughts, and it went something like this:

car battery dead ---> starting to go to "dark place" ---> think about cutting ---> want to eat ---> but if eat, will have to purge

I suppose I should have been sympathetic. Whoever this patient was, it sounds like he/she was miserable. But all I could think was, really? Your car battery was dead? And that puts you in a "dark place?" REALLY??!!

I don't know when I turned into such a brat, but I couldn't (still can't, really) muster an ounce of sympathy for this mystery patient. Wish I were a kinder, more compassionate person, but I just can't. I'd give an arm and a leg to have a fucking car battery be my biggest concern.

Ugh, I really want to delete that last section. I feel like a horrible person. Don't hate me, guys, okay? I'm trying really hard to be better, to not turn into a completely ugly, terrible, bitter person.

In an attempt to get that ugliness out of my head, things that are going well:
- the aforementioned eye breakthrough
- thesis stuff - plugging along, making progress
- When my parents were here last weekend, I brought them to the food pantry where I started volunteering over the summer. School has kind of gotten in the way and I hadn't gone in several weeks, but then I was reminded of how amazing and fulfilling it is to do something for others, for a change.

* Not actually magic - he thinks that my problems may be nerve-related, so he had me put in "band-aid contacts" - basically just slightly bigger lenses that are supposed to protect the surface of the eye until the nerves have a chance to heal. The only thing that scares me is that these contacts are continuous wear - meaning, I leave them in for 1-2 weeks straight, even at night. This goes against EVERY instinct I have about wearing contact lenses - has anyone ever tried this?? I slept in them last night and felt totally fine - a little dry, but overall my eyes feel 1000 times better than they have in a long time.

1 comment:

  1. I really hope the new "band-aid" contacts help!

    Great that you were able to bring your parents to the food pantry. I'm sure it meant a lot to you and to them.

    Just so you know, I think you're an incredibly compassionate and sensitive person. I think that's some of why mental illness is difficult; to one person an event might be completely devastating but to another, it's minor. It's so complex. But I don't think you're bitter at all. I think you're sweet and supportive and very kind.

    Fingers crossed for the contacts and that the rest of the semester goes smoothly!