Wondering About Weights

At least for now, I'm still seeing my therapist R twice a week. It seems like a lot, but it also seems to be helping. We cover a lot more ground with only a few days between sessions instead of a whole week. I still hate spending that much time in treatment, but I'm also wanting more and more to get better.

Anyway, this means that I saw R again yesterday morning after just seeing him last Friday. I really like starting off the week with him, it puts my mind in a good place. Plus, I got to tell him my exciting news, about which he was appropriately ecstatic. I think only people with ED experience can appreciate how monumental periods can be.

Although he was happy for me, I think R was also concerned about one thing: my weight. The last two times I had periods (April 2011 and August 2009), I was exactly the same weight - XXX. Since then, I've considered that weight to be some magic threshold above which my body works fine and below which it doesn't. It is now the absolute bottom of my goal range, which was negotiated down by yours truly based on the very logic that if I get my period at XXX, then it should be considered healthy "enough."

Anyway, I am currently Y pounds below XXX, with Y being a significant but not huge number. So although I am eating better and have gained a little weight over the past month, neither I nor R was expecting me to get a period anytime soon. R mentioned that he was concerned I might take it as a sign to quit gaining and settle for my current weight, which he believes is absolutely too low.

Mostly, I'm just thrilled to feel like a functional female again. My bones are happy. But I will also admit that part of me is secretly thrilled to be a functional female at a lower weight than I expected to be. Part of me is also secretly wondering, is this good enough? The lack of a period was the one persistent glaring reminder that my weight was suboptimal - now that's gone, and I anticipate it will get harder to stay motivated. The real test of course will be if I continue to get periods regularly, or if this one was just a random fluke.

At the same time, I feel awesome and healthy and almost normal. Even if my body seems to be doing better, my mind is definitely still rigid, compulsive, and anxious. I'm starting to believe that my brain might do better at a higher weight, and wondering how much better I could feel then. Plus, I don't want to discover that this month was an anomaly and my body is still as messed up as ever. So I'm sticking to the meal plan, hopefully putting on some more weight, and hopefully getting another period in February.