I tend to be cynical about New Year's resolutions because I never follow through, and usually forget about them by Valentine's Day. This year, though, I need something to focus on, to feel like I'm accomplishing something good for myself. So, here's to turning over a new leaf and starting 2012 off with some optimism!
There are a few things I want to do this year. Maybe they aren't "resolutions" in the traditional sense (exercise more! floss every night! lose weight!) but just general areas to work on. The big one is Health. If I were feeling especially brave and motivated, I would make resolutions to Eat X Calories Per Day, Gain X Pounds, and Get a Period. But as I'm currently a lil bit lacking in both bravery and motivation, my goal is just to Do Better. I want to make a concerted effort to eat a more balanced diet; it's not that I eat a horribly unbalanced or restrictive diet now, but my intake is definitely not what it should be and I know better.
Another major goal is to be more honest with my treatment team about my anxiety. I haven't ever been "dishonest," per se, but I'm not exactly the most forthcoming patient, especially when it comes to my private, obsessive fears. It's becoming more and more apparent to me (and to my mother, who is probably much more worried than she lets on) that my anxiety level is getting a little out of control, and that it is probably my main obstacle in committing myself fully to recovery. I haven't really talked about the Crazy Anxiety very much with R, mostly because I feel stupid about how freaked out I get, and I can't put into words why it happens. When we do talk about it, then, I downplay the problem because it's embarrassing and lame that I get so worked up about the dumbest things. I'm bad at taking the lead in our sessions, which means that R focuses on the issues he sees as most important (food, weight, eating habits), and I don't always get a chance to talk about other stuff (e.g. anxieties unrelated to food/weight). I'm not saying that this is his fault (it's completely my fault) or that food/weight/eating habits aren't important (they're extremely important), but I don't think that R realizes what a problem the anxiety is, simply because I haven't brought it up.
That was a sprawling ramble of a paragraph, but basically I'm trying to explain that my other New Year's resolution - or goal, or project, whatever you want to call it - is to drop the ironclad Shield of Stoicism with R, and address the anxiety issue. It has definitely gotten worse recently, which made this holiday season nightmarish at times. Although I'm unsure of what triggers my periodic freak-outs and I'm still ashamed of them, it's time for me to suck it up and admit that I Need Help.
What else? Again, if I were a braver person, I would make all kinds of resolutions. Be more spontaneous. Eat fear foods daily. Post my meal plan on the fridge for my roommate to see. Have a real conversation with my brother about the ED. Visit my aunt and uncle on a regular basis. Throw out my skinny clothes. But I'm still fearful about a lot of things (and I've gotten even wimpier in recent months), so I'm not going to pretend that I can do all of those things.
Right now, I want to focus on the things I can do, and should do. Maybe I'll be ready for more adventurous resolutions in February, or June, or October. Baby steps!
Happy 2012 everyone!
I feel like I could have written this post. My resolution is also "Do Better" but sometimes I'm afraid to write down actual goals with a plan because I am always afraid I wont do them or worse, not want to do them.
ReplyDeleteI guess all I can do is keep trying and make my own improvements and be happy with them even if my parents can't see them.
That should be good enough for me.
I think recognizing the anxiety as an issue that is both a problem in itself and something inhibiting ED progress is a big deal. I've dealt (and do deal) with this a lot, and I think the two are so intertwined sometimes that the anxiety just cannot be swept under the rug, but it often gets overlooked as just another ED symptom. I really hope that things go well with R and that you are able to get the anxiety under control, because I know how frustrating and oppressive it can be sometimes. You are an incredibly strong person, and you will come out on top with this. I think it's smart to aim for trends rather than specific goals when you're looking at a time span of an entire year. Have patience with yourself but keep moving forward, and happy new year!
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