Yesterday randomly was a terrible day. I think it started with therapy in the morning. Although my sessions with R have actually been going really well lately, this one didn't and I left feeling really dissatisfied and frustrated with myself. I'm not really sure what went badly, just that I wasn't feeling very talkative and did a lot of shrugging and "I-don't-knowing"-ing. At one point, R asked me if there was anything on my mind that I specifically wanted to talk about, and I couldn't think of a single thing. What kind of lame person can't even keep her therapist interested? It's strange because there's actually a ton of stuff on my mind all the time and I usually feel this intense need to get it off my chest, but for some reason yesterday I couldn't articulate anything to R.
So it just felt like a wasted session and that really put a damper on the rest of my day. My classes were boring, my food schedule was messed up (long story), and I was unprepared for the weather (which was unseasonably warm, so I'm not really complaining about that one). I just felt kind of off all day and randomly had to start fighting tears in my last class. Thankfully it's a big class and I was hidden in the back, so I got myself under control pretty quickly and didn't have to leave the room, but still. Yuck.
Everyone has crappy days sometimes, I know. I guess I'm just still really scared of getting depressed and not being able to pull myself out of it. I also got some bad news about a side effect of the medication I'm on, meaning I might not be able to take it anymore. That's still up in the air until I see my doctor again, but it's making me feel really uncertain and vulnerable again.
Even so, my mood is still a million times more stable than it was a few months ago, and I am unbelievably grateful for that. I'm doing better with the meal plan, for which apparently my body is grateful too. Hopefully yesterday was just a blip and things will continue to look up. My mom had a suggestion to get more out of my next appointment with R: she said to write down any ideas or questions I might think of during the week and bring them up at my next session, both to get more comfortable introducing topics and also to keep track of the stuff that was bothering me throughout the week. Has anyone else had trouble talking to a therapist and found strategies that helped?
Anyway, I'm already feeling a little better (blogging always does that for me!) so I'm going to peace out for now. Take care, everyone!
I've definitely had therapy sessions like that, and they definitely stink. I'm really sorry to hear that you had a rough day yesterday; hope your week gets better. I think having "blip" days is normal (not to diminish how hard/upsetting they are!) in recovery or not, and the important thing is to not let it derail any recovery patterns.
ReplyDeleteYour mom's idea about writing things down is a really good one. Occasionally I have e-mailed my therapist a list of bullet points the day before a session, to keep me from chickening out on bringing a topic up even if I have it written down with me.
Sorry to hear about a complication with the meds; hope that gets worked out for you. REALLY glad that you are feeling more stable overall, though, that's great. You have worked hella hard and deserve to finally start enjoying the rewards!
Hang in there chica, hoping you have a great evening/night.
Your mom sounds really supportive AND has a good idea. Whenever I was in a therapy rut (I had a few) I would just try to read a book that supported recovery and bring in some ideas, questions, or comments from my reading. I usually found a lot that I connected with. IMO (which is not at all professional--just based on my personal experience) if your rut continues, then you might want to try a different schedule for therapy. I'm also really sorry about the meds. That is not fun. :( I hope your day was better today. Can you believe it's FEBRUARY?!!
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