Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Back to School

Classes start this week and I am really happy for the change. These few weeks of extra therapy have been valuable, but I'm so over having doctors' appointments be the focus of my days. It makes me feel sick and inadequate and completely unstimulated. I'm definitely ready to be a student again and not just a patient.

On the downside, my body image is HORRIBLE. My jeans are getting tight. I am positively mortified to be seen in public with this bod. Weight gain sucks. I don't remember feeling this yucky this fast the last time I gained weight, although I suppose it could just be that my starting point was higher this time around. Plus, I was objectively much "sicker" a year ago, so gaining weight seemed much more urgent and necessary. Now I feel like I'm going from fat to fatter. Not true, I know, but it's been hard to convince myself otherwise.

Thought I should mention this since I've written about it so much in the past...I did start taking something for anxiety. Since it's only been a couple days, I obviously can't tell if the meds will work yet. So far, the only noticeable side effect is extreme nausea. I feel so freaking sick all day long. I haven't actually puked, but the sight/smell/thought of food makes my stomach turn. It's a little better today, but Sunday and yesterday were BAD. My ED doc warned me this might happen at the beginning, so hopefully it will pass.

I'm still having major mixed feelings about the whole thing and have been second-guessing my decision nonstop, but I'm trying to remember that this doesn't have to be forever. If it doesn't work, I can stop or try something else. Maybe the start of a new semester isn't the best time to be dealing with this, but I trust R and my doctor and hopefully it will get worked out soon.

2 comments:

  1. I really hope that you get some relief from the anxiety meds. And remember, if it sucks and doesn't seem worth it (AFTER it has had time to take effect), then you don't have to continue it. Seems like the benefits of easing the anxiety are worth the experiment, though? Best of luck with that, hope it is a help.

    Bad body image sucks....I have found that about every 5 pounds, I feel awful, huge, gross, [insert pejorative self-talk here]. But a lot of times that is more of your brain's reaction to your body feeling different, and we automatically twist it into a negative. Give yourself a grace period, I've found that after about 2-4 weeks I really adjust and actually appreciate how much healthier I look/feel. It's getting through the rough patch that really sucks, and that makes a lot of people panic and try to lose it again...which never gets you out on the right side of the rough patch. Anyway that's just what my experience has been (read 'The Body has a Mind of Its Own' for really cool science about how the brain adjusts to changes in body size!). I am sorry that you are uncomfortable right now, but you are doing the right thing, don't let yourself doubt that.

    Good luck with the start of classes!
    <3

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