Friday, May 2, 2014
Hard Day
Having a hard day. I've been in some pain this week. I know we went through this last month, and I know there are a couple of logical reasons this shouldn't freak me out as much as it does. But I'm scared and frustrated and pleasedon'tletmestartcryinginStarbucksplease. I know I need to cut down on the exercise. I am trying so hard to do this right. Please just let me be okay until I get there.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Practicing What I Preach
I mentioned yesterday that I was having an uptick in pain. Predictably, this has yet again set off a cascade of panicky, devastating thoughts about omgit'sback. I can't really describe how awful and terrifying that is—as if the past six months have just been a nice dream and now we're back to the nightmare.
I just spent an hour in tears with Dr. P who pointed out that this level of catastrophizing is maybe not quite warranted for a couple reasons:
(1) I went through a similar experience almost exactly one month ago, suggesting that this is possibly the result of some cyclical hormonal fluctuation.
(2) I've been upping my exercise again after SWEARING to her and you guys and myself that I would wouldn't. And the pain seemed to pick up after two consecutive days of long bike rides.
Less than 24 hours ago, I was waxing poetic about how I choose health and all that, and I still do! But that's easier blogged than done. Oddly, these days the food piece is easier than the exercise piece. But I'm working on it.
I just spent an hour in tears with Dr. P who pointed out that this level of catastrophizing is maybe not quite warranted for a couple reasons:
(1) I went through a similar experience almost exactly one month ago, suggesting that this is possibly the result of some cyclical hormonal fluctuation.
(2) I've been upping my exercise again after SWEARING to her and you guys and myself that I would wouldn't. And the pain seemed to pick up after two consecutive days of long bike rides.
Less than 24 hours ago, I was waxing poetic about how I choose health and all that, and I still do! But that's easier blogged than done. Oddly, these days the food piece is easier than the exercise piece. But I'm working on it.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
The Weight Cure: Part Three
I wrote this post over a year ago and then this follow-up post last fall about how weight gain had done WONDERS for my crazy anorexic brain, and how maybe this whole not-being-a-skeleton thing wasn't so bad after all. Well, I figured it was time to take inventory again and see how things really stand for me, recovery-wise. Some of this may not be news to those of you who read regularly (WHICH I KNOW YOU ALL DO), but it still helps me to go over it so bear with me.
My body image is good. Not great, but good. Considering this is my highest lifetime weight, considering I weigh double-digits more now than I have for most of the past five years, having "good" body image is a small miracle. I don't LOVE my body, but I appreciate it and I respect it in ways I never have before.
The big obvious change since my last Weight Cure post is that the pelvic nerve pain, which they told me over and over again was chronic and incurable, has largely been alleviated (thank you, Dr. A and your magical fire cream). It's not completely gone, and I still have iffy days and weeks here and there, but the overall quality of life improvement has been dramatic. So, it's a lot easier to appreciate my body when it doesn't seem intent on making my life miserable. But what I've learned over the past several months is that my body doesn't want to hurt me; it wants to just BE. And by forcing it to run X miles every day on YYYY calories, or forcing it to wait Z hours between meals even when it's hungry, I am only making it harder on both of us.
The exercise piece is still a struggle. Remember my recent scare when the running started to get out of control? Well, as soon as I got a handle on THAT, I started biking too much. And had another uptick in pain. So I'm back on self-imposed exercise restriction this week, limiting myself in time and intensity, at least until my pain levels go back down to baseline. I told you guys I wouldn't get it perfectly the first time, and apparently not the second time either, but I am trying.
In terms of intake, I've bumped up my calories a tad over the past couple months. I am also working on redistributing them a bit better throughout the day, so that I eat more earlier on when I am actually hungry as opposed to saving up until the evening, when the thought of stuffing in enough food to meet my target is totally unappealing. This is still very much a work in progress. Variety is still so-so, which is as much a product of my complete and utter lack of interest/ability in the kitchen as it is residual ED-ness. That's not to say I am no longer rigid about food; I am. I still don't like restaurants. I still count my calories, and I still largely choose foods based on their caloric content. But the anxiety associated with all of the above is much reduced from six months or a year ago. I haven't weighed myself in over a month, and I don't miss it. Never thought I would be able to say that.
This has all been a gradual process - there was no Recovery switch flipping. It has been months of trying and messing up, and then trying a different way and messing up a different way. But each time, I've gotten back on my feet, dusted myself off, and found myself a little further ahead than I was before.
So here's the thing: I don't love my body, but I appreciate and respect it, and I am beginning to accept it. I never really understood what that meant before - to accept your body - but now I think I do. It means to have a baseline level of comfort with it; to know that if you treat it right, it will respond with health and energy. But that health and energy are not a given. That health is something to achieve and maintain, not something to ignore and throw away.
I am beginning to accept that I will never weigh double-digits again. I am beginning to accept that I cannot lose weight and be healthy. I am beginning to accept that the health consequences of losing weight are far more terrible and unbearable than facing the discomfort of weight gain. This used to be an impossible dilemma for me: that I could either be in pain, or be "fat." Now, this dilemma seems ridiculous. Now, I have accepted that I can be healthy or sick. And I choose health.
My body image is good. Not great, but good. Considering this is my highest lifetime weight, considering I weigh double-digits more now than I have for most of the past five years, having "good" body image is a small miracle. I don't LOVE my body, but I appreciate it and I respect it in ways I never have before.
The big obvious change since my last Weight Cure post is that the pelvic nerve pain, which they told me over and over again was chronic and incurable, has largely been alleviated (thank you, Dr. A and your magical fire cream). It's not completely gone, and I still have iffy days and weeks here and there, but the overall quality of life improvement has been dramatic. So, it's a lot easier to appreciate my body when it doesn't seem intent on making my life miserable. But what I've learned over the past several months is that my body doesn't want to hurt me; it wants to just BE. And by forcing it to run X miles every day on YYYY calories, or forcing it to wait Z hours between meals even when it's hungry, I am only making it harder on both of us.
The exercise piece is still a struggle. Remember my recent scare when the running started to get out of control? Well, as soon as I got a handle on THAT, I started biking too much. And had another uptick in pain. So I'm back on self-imposed exercise restriction this week, limiting myself in time and intensity, at least until my pain levels go back down to baseline. I told you guys I wouldn't get it perfectly the first time, and apparently not the second time either, but I am trying.
In terms of intake, I've bumped up my calories a tad over the past couple months. I am also working on redistributing them a bit better throughout the day, so that I eat more earlier on when I am actually hungry as opposed to saving up until the evening, when the thought of stuffing in enough food to meet my target is totally unappealing. This is still very much a work in progress. Variety is still so-so, which is as much a product of my complete and utter lack of interest/ability in the kitchen as it is residual ED-ness. That's not to say I am no longer rigid about food; I am. I still don't like restaurants. I still count my calories, and I still largely choose foods based on their caloric content. But the anxiety associated with all of the above is much reduced from six months or a year ago. I haven't weighed myself in over a month, and I don't miss it. Never thought I would be able to say that.
This has all been a gradual process - there was no Recovery switch flipping. It has been months of trying and messing up, and then trying a different way and messing up a different way. But each time, I've gotten back on my feet, dusted myself off, and found myself a little further ahead than I was before.
So here's the thing: I don't love my body, but I appreciate and respect it, and I am beginning to accept it. I never really understood what that meant before - to accept your body - but now I think I do. It means to have a baseline level of comfort with it; to know that if you treat it right, it will respond with health and energy. But that health and energy are not a given. That health is something to achieve and maintain, not something to ignore and throw away.
I am beginning to accept that I will never weigh double-digits again. I am beginning to accept that I cannot lose weight and be healthy. I am beginning to accept that the health consequences of losing weight are far more terrible and unbearable than facing the discomfort of weight gain. This used to be an impossible dilemma for me: that I could either be in pain, or be "fat." Now, this dilemma seems ridiculous. Now, I have accepted that I can be healthy or sick. And I choose health.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Skin tips?
Anyone else have the weird post-anorexia skin issues? My skin was essentially perfect for about 10 years until last spring/summer, when I was eating well, had gained weight and gotten my period back, and randomly started breaking out like a pre-teen. It was never AWFUL acne, but enough to make me super self-conscious. My skin cleared up a bunch in the winter, but now that it's getting warmer and more humid, it seems like my skin is getting angry again. I've always been prone to oily skin, but now it's SUPER oily (although also dry in some places, oddly enough) and I'm not sure what I can do to keep from breaking out again like last year. I assume it's just a question of hormones rebalancing after years of turmoil, but I would like them to hurry up and rebalance please! I'm 23, not 13!
This is such a dumb little thing, but a total self-esteem buster. Help!
This is such a dumb little thing, but a total self-esteem buster. Help!
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Easter Weekend
I had an absolutely lovely Easter weekend with my aunt, uncle, and cousins up in Big Northern City. (For those of who may recall, I made the same trip last year.) I drove up Saturday morning and got in around 1pm. My cousins (E—age 22 and G—age 19) and I went out for lunch and then came back home to decorate Easter eggs, make chocolate-covered strawberries, and hang around the house while my aunt cooked. Then E and I went out for sandwiches before seeing Transcendence at one of those ridiculous new theaters with recliner seats. I think the movie was good, but can't actually give you a valid review because it required a lot of thinking and I was dozing off after the early morning and long day. (The recliners didn't help.) But Johnny Depp always kills me.
On Sunday, I slept until 8:30 (ALERT THE MEDIA) which is like unheard of for me, as I'm usually up and bouncing around by 6 or 7. We got breakfast and coffee, then helped my aunt with some cooking and errands and such. My cousin and I went for a walk (meaning, I made her take me for a walk) because it was gorgeous and warm outside, and then we came back and ate our big main meal around 1pm. Afterwards we did an Easter egg hunt. Yes, that would be me, age 23; E, age 22; G, age 19; and G's friend, age 19 hunting for the eggs that my aunt and uncle hid. I learned last year that Aunt H and Uncle L take the whole Easter thing extremely seriously. YOLO, right?
E and I hit the road later that afternoon and got back to College City around 9. I dropped her off at her apartment, and then floored it the 15ish minutes to my place because by that point, I was SO sick of driving. But I had an amazing time, loved pretty much every minute of it, and reminded myself how incredible it is to have such welcoming, loving family within driving distance, especially when my own parents are so far away.
Regarding the food situation, which was insanely hard and stressful last year: I was way less stressed, and did way better. I still struggled a little with the drive on Saturday, and had made myself get up early to run beforehand. That may have been a stupid and ED-fueled decision, but say what you want. I have a really hard time sitting still for that long. So I got in my run, ate breakfast, and was on the road by 8am. By the time I got to my aunt and uncle's house between 1 and 2pm, I was starving and light-headed. I usually only let myself go 3 or 4 hours between breakfast and lunch, so it was a big gap. I made up for it a little with my lunch, and then made up more by eating a bigger dinner than usual, and even getting a giant cookie to go with it. Later that night I ate one of the snacks I'd brought, so my daily total was a tad low but not horrible. I expected Sunday to be harder with the lack of exercise and huge meal planned, but actually experienced very little anxiety or stress about it. The walk with my cousin before lunch helped a lot, and reminded me that exercise can be low-impact, light, and relaxing instead of an all-out sprint that leaves me drenched in sweat and gasping for air. Plus, I am convinced sunshine has magical mood-improving properties.
I didn't think about schoolwork once all weekend. Which was a little stressful when I got back Sunday night, but totally worth it. I had brought my laptop, but didn't even take it out of my backpack the whole time I was there. So freeing and relaxing. Hope everyone had an equally nice time and is getting back into the swing of things!
 |
| those eyes |
E and I hit the road later that afternoon and got back to College City around 9. I dropped her off at her apartment, and then floored it the 15ish minutes to my place because by that point, I was SO sick of driving. But I had an amazing time, loved pretty much every minute of it, and reminded myself how incredible it is to have such welcoming, loving family within driving distance, especially when my own parents are so far away.
Regarding the food situation, which was insanely hard and stressful last year: I was way less stressed, and did way better. I still struggled a little with the drive on Saturday, and had made myself get up early to run beforehand. That may have been a stupid and ED-fueled decision, but say what you want. I have a really hard time sitting still for that long. So I got in my run, ate breakfast, and was on the road by 8am. By the time I got to my aunt and uncle's house between 1 and 2pm, I was starving and light-headed. I usually only let myself go 3 or 4 hours between breakfast and lunch, so it was a big gap. I made up for it a little with my lunch, and then made up more by eating a bigger dinner than usual, and even getting a giant cookie to go with it. Later that night I ate one of the snacks I'd brought, so my daily total was a tad low but not horrible. I expected Sunday to be harder with the lack of exercise and huge meal planned, but actually experienced very little anxiety or stress about it. The walk with my cousin before lunch helped a lot, and reminded me that exercise can be low-impact, light, and relaxing instead of an all-out sprint that leaves me drenched in sweat and gasping for air. Plus, I am convinced sunshine has magical mood-improving properties.
 |
| source |
I didn't think about schoolwork once all weekend. Which was a little stressful when I got back Sunday night, but totally worth it. I had brought my laptop, but didn't even take it out of my backpack the whole time I was there. So freeing and relaxing. Hope everyone had an equally nice time and is getting back into the swing of things!
Friday, April 18, 2014
Pre-Easter Pondering on Anxiety Management
Happy Friday! I am currently procrastinating although I have a MILLION things to do. I'm getting up bright and early tomorrow morning to hop on the road and drive six hours to Big Northern City for a whirlwind Easter weekend with my aunt, uncle, and two cousins. By "whirlwind," I mean I'll be driving up Saturday morning, spending 24 hours with them, and driving back with my cousin in tow Sunday night (she also lives in College City, but got a ride up to her parents' house earlier this week). Obviously I do NOT have a weekend to spare in terms of schoolwork, but I'll bring my books and my computer and get some work done Saturday night and Sunday morning, hopefully. Otherwise I'm just going to take off my Anal Retentive hat and chill out and have a good time and worry about the schoolwork when I get back.
Does that sound unlike me? Well, shut up. I'm trying to be less of a freak! Ever since my psychiatrist Dr. L and I talked about tapering off my meds (which I am not planning to do this very second, but will be considering in the future), I've been thinking a lot about strategies to keep myself happy and centered and anxiety-free. My therapist Dr. P gave me a list of YouTube links to mindfulness exercises and really, I tried a couple, and I just can't do it. I know it works miracles for some people, and I know it's like supported by evidence and whatnot to reduce anxiety, but seriously. I just can't not chortle my way through those things. I'M SORRY. They just make me laugh. My old therapist Dr. R once made me do deep breathing exercises in his office and it was a disaster. An absolute DISASTER, I tell you.
Anyway. Alternatives: I think I committed to this once before and then promptly failed at it, but I've been trying to write in my journal semi-regularly about the things I'm thankful for—my friends, my parents, my apartment, whatever happens to strike me at that particular moment. I just think it puts me in a positive, grateful, grounded state of mind. I've also been making a real concerted effort to spend time with people who make me happy: a few of my closest friends in my grad program, a couple other close friends from undergrad still in College City, my cousin, my advisor, my tutoring students, etc. Life is too short to spend so much time alone, you know? And after isolating myself so much the last couple years, I finally feel myself coming out of my shell again and actually enjoying time out with people. And finally, I am limiting my exercise, listening to my body, and doing my best to treat myself more kindly. Living workout-to-workout, meal-to-meal...it's stressful and it's not healthy. It puts my brain in a weird place, and it makes everything else feel secondary.
Still not weighing myself, still feeling good about it. Still little-to-no pelvic pain, few-to-no eye problems, and still able to appreciate the miracle of good health.
Much love and Happy Easter to all.
Does that sound unlike me? Well, shut up. I'm trying to be less of a freak! Ever since my psychiatrist Dr. L and I talked about tapering off my meds (which I am not planning to do this very second, but will be considering in the future), I've been thinking a lot about strategies to keep myself happy and centered and anxiety-free. My therapist Dr. P gave me a list of YouTube links to mindfulness exercises and really, I tried a couple, and I just can't do it. I know it works miracles for some people, and I know it's like supported by evidence and whatnot to reduce anxiety, but seriously. I just can't not chortle my way through those things. I'M SORRY. They just make me laugh. My old therapist Dr. R once made me do deep breathing exercises in his office and it was a disaster. An absolute DISASTER, I tell you.
Anyway. Alternatives: I think I committed to this once before and then promptly failed at it, but I've been trying to write in my journal semi-regularly about the things I'm thankful for—my friends, my parents, my apartment, whatever happens to strike me at that particular moment. I just think it puts me in a positive, grateful, grounded state of mind. I've also been making a real concerted effort to spend time with people who make me happy: a few of my closest friends in my grad program, a couple other close friends from undergrad still in College City, my cousin, my advisor, my tutoring students, etc. Life is too short to spend so much time alone, you know? And after isolating myself so much the last couple years, I finally feel myself coming out of my shell again and actually enjoying time out with people. And finally, I am limiting my exercise, listening to my body, and doing my best to treat myself more kindly. Living workout-to-workout, meal-to-meal...it's stressful and it's not healthy. It puts my brain in a weird place, and it makes everything else feel secondary.
Still not weighing myself, still feeling good about it. Still little-to-no pelvic pain, few-to-no eye problems, and still able to appreciate the miracle of good health.
Much love and Happy Easter to all.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Related Reading
Well, this was timely. Not sure I agree with everything she says, but it's an interesting read:
The Antidepressant Generation.
Thoughts?
The Antidepressant Generation.
Thoughts?
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