I guess it's do-or-die time. Or at least do-or-hurt-again time. I started having pain last Friday or so, which continued through the weekend. I called my mom an absolute wreck on Monday afternoon because the pain had persisted and I was so scared of going through that again. It brought me right back.
Things have eased up a bit since then. I'm still having some pain, but much less. And it's still nothing like it was before October when I started using my miracle fire cream. And what has changed?
I stopped running.
No, I'm not happy about it. Yes, I feel fat and gross and lazy. But yes, ultimately, if it keeps my periods coming and the pain at bay, it will be totally worth it.
On the phone the other day, in between me crying and hyperventilating, my mom said something I needed to hear: "Your body is still fragile." I didn't want to hear it, because I wanted to hear that I'm cured of the nerve pain, of the hormonal deficiencies, and of the anorexia. I wanted to hear that all the running has been good for me; that the muscles in my legs and abs and heart are powerful and strong. But the truth is, I am still fragile. I haven't let my body recover and just be; I am constantly fighting it, abusing it, forcing it to perform over and over again until it inevitably gives out on me.
My body can't handle running that much. Not now, maybe not ever. I've committed to taking a full week (maybe two) off, or at least until my pain levels get back to baseline. Then I'll think about incorporating it back, slowly, and definitely not back up to the mileage I was at before. For whoever's keeping track, you can revise my commitments accordingly.
It's going to suck. I love running and I hate not running. I love flying down those trails, hearing my sneakers hit the gravel and the wind whipping past my ears. I love that it gets my heart pumping like nothing else does. I love that my legs get wobbly and stiff afterwards. But I hate being in pain more. Actually, it's not even that I hate the pain; it's that I simply cannot take it again. I cannot be the person I want to be when I'm in that degree of pain. I won't go so far as to say that this wakeup call was a good thing, but I will say that it's hard for me to understand the need for moderation until something knocks me back down in my place.
Will keep you all posted. Take care.